Expect a miracle - Conscious contact

I'll be staying in step 9 for a while longer.

I did some reading on forgiveness, what it is and what it isn't in my Al Anon books after I meditated for 40 minutes this morning.

I don't think I've had a spiritual awakening yet in regard to my parents. Maybe because I'm in the middle of remembering everything that happened to me, and coming to terms with it, instead of being in denial. Apparently I need to be here for a while.

I keep bouncing people on and off the list.

I do have four people that are on it, and are a "yes" right now, and I'm living amends with them.

The first person on the list is me.

Part of my living amends is not contacting people or saying thing to them that I don't mean. That means I am not in contact with my biological parents right now.

At the meetings today, I was thinking deeply on what is behind how they treated me.

I came to a somewhat final answer in ACA. My Higher Power invited me to imagine that they weren't abusing me, they were abusing my Higher Power. Then, since I was able to see that they were really abusing my Higher Power and not me, my Higher Power invited me to go deeper, and see that they were also abusing themselves.

I don't know what this means, but I feel better.

I also have seen from this past week, that what they say to me and what they do to me is not about me. It is about them - they are telling me something very important about how they see themselves, by how they treat me. By wounding me, they are showing me their wounds.

Maybe I can eventually find some compassion for them. I feel somewhat softer - but I still don't want to talk or deal with them. Just the softness is okay for now.

I am softer with myself, and able to acknowledge that what I want and say and do matters. It is not silly that I find joy in Pusheen the cat.

It is okay to have a comfortable fashion style that is understated, but with some sparkle. I don't have to stand out in a crowd. I can wear my Christmas shirt any day I want to, and it is okay. I can enjoy life.

After the meetings, I went back to my favorite thrift store. I felt like there was something there for me, and for my husband and sons. So I went shopping with my Higher Power. I found the most amazing things, and I didn't realize at the time what they meant, because I didn't remember (lack of sleep could have something to do with it.

1) I found a necklace with an angel on it that is exactly like the angel pin I remember my Grandma having. My aunt had picked it after my Grandma died, and I forgot she had it. I had a huge fight with my Mom about her giving it away to someone else. It turned out the angel pin my Mom picked was not the one I wanted. I felt like my Higher Power was telling me that everything would be all right with my Mom and I eventually. My grandma is still looking out for me, just like she did when I was a child.

2) I found a silvery gold tree made out of grapevine. Just last week I went to a super high end christmas store, and saw a beautiful silvery gold tree. It was almost two hundred dollars. I thought  it was so beautiful. This one cost me about $4.

3) At the same store they had so many beautiful crystal ornaments. I found one at the thrift store with a mother and child for less than a dollar.

4) At the same store they had candles with flickering flame that were also incredibly expensive. I found three for less than two dollars.

Those were just the things for me that were really miraculous. I followed my Higher Power's will, throughout the store, going right where I was directed, and found everything I was supposed to find.

My Mom and Dad are they origin, the vessels through which I came, but my true parent is my Higher power. He is Father, mother, sister, brother and community to me. When I walk with my Higher Power everything falls gently into place.

I don't know why my parents chose to behave the way they did to me. I am not a Higher Power, and I don't have all the information. Maybe they didn't know what they were doing.

I don't have to judge them to protect myself. I don't have to harbor negative feelings to protect myself. I don't have to control them to protect myself.

It is my Higher Power's job to keep me safe, loved and cared for, and my Higher Power was there for me. My Higher Power placed other people in my life to fill in the gaps.

Every time they hurt me, they were hurting my Higher Power. Every time I hurt others, I hurt my Higher Power. My Higher Power lives in and works through people, myself included.

I didn't expect a miracle, but one found me anyway. Several found me, based on that shopping trip!

Just for today, I will acknowledge the miracles in my life.

Just for today, I will expect a miracle, and search for it.

Just for today, I will let myself be loved.

Change as Love Change as Good - One Day at a Time

I love change. I can count on change. If I am willing and go with the flow of my Higher Power change becomes a source of strength.

If I can change, everything becomes possible to me.

Real change is gentle, seasonal and tender. It is not jerked or forced or harsh. Return to real change is a return to love, a return to renewal and a return to the True Self.

I love changing, becoming, being.

True self becomes dominant with real change.

I can't change the past or the future. But I can heal the past, and by doing so become healthier for the future in the present.

In this moment I can touch my entire span of life and transform everything to good. That is the power of my Higher Power, given to me. As my Higher Power is, so am I.

When I am in my Higher Power's will, everything will turn out for good.

When the anger, resentment, control and disease are felt and released, or healed, then gratitude naturally bubbles up and constant contentment becomes my companion. Everything becomes beautiful.

I told my Higher Power I was angry at him, he could have changed what happened to me when I was little. My Higher Power said yes, I could have, but if I had you would not have become who you are right now. I like who I am right now.

People around me made poor choices, but I chose to stay with my Higher Power and trust in love. Because I was able to believe in the absence of what should have been there, my parents' love, I was able to be a part of the stream of goodness.

My addictions I built became tools helping me to a better life, and for that I will always be profoundly grateful.

When I accept and love change, everything becomes possible with a Higher Power whose unchanging strength is seen in change, in the power of being able to draw good out of anything.

If I say with my Higher Power, I can draw good out of everything that could happen to me as well, just like I'm doing right now.

Just for today I will be grateful.

Just for today I will trust.

How Important is it? VERY #powerless2powerful

Today was a rage day.

It's a nice change from sadness/grief. Those emotions can be very lethargy inducing.

When I first hit the doors of recovery, I was stone cold angry.

That dissipated in a couple of months, and I was able to take a more measured approach. Now I realize that what happened to me was a gift, because it separated me from the abusive people.

Now, as I journey through therapy and work on myself, I see that there are very justifiable times for my anger. In the past, there were times when I needed to speak up, but didn't. That was wrong.

How important is it? It is VERY important.

Abusive behavior is not acceptable. Those who stand by and watch are culpable as well. They are accessories to the abuse, especially if they enable the abuse.

I am angry these people didn't listen to me. I am angry more people than me were abused. I am angry that cowards wouldn't fight for me and left me to figure out how to protect myself. I did a great job for being so young. I did what I had to do to survive the war zone that was my youth.

I didn't turn out abusive. I became a protector, a nurturer and an alligator. I built up resentments to protect myself. Sarcasm became a way to fight back.

I don't need the resentments to protect myself any more. Sarcasm hurts me more than it does others. I put down the poison, and picked up the truth.

And the truth hurts before it heals. It hurts so bad, but I'm going to get through this one day at a time.

I've got healthy tools now, and a good support network.

I stopped going to church, for now. I even stopped praying the rosary, but thank God that came back today.

Going to church is something that will come back. Right now I need to stay away, I need to give myself time and I need to heal. I need to be gentle with myself.

I channeled my rage into usefulness by emailing an editor about a victim shaming/blaming headline. I studied for grad school. I meditated, ate, and walked more than my usual mile. I stayed in the present. I enjoyed the beautiful day and I thanked God that I no longer have to be around those abusive people.

Today I will choose to be grateful in the midst of anger.

Today I will choose to see that I have been loved all my life by my Higher Power.

Today I will be gentle with myself, and let myself heal.

Today I will fight for the rights of the innocent.

Today I will feel to heal.

Today I AM IMPORTANT.

Extreme Self Care - Powerless 2 Powerful

Once I realized that I was grieving, after a long session of meditation, I immediately moved into extreme self-care mode.

I realized I was feeling the same way I felt when those close to me had died.

It's a blank feeling for me. Like there is nothing there. The mind does.not.work. There is constant tension behind the eyes, and lack of appetite. This contains an element of depression, because the people aren't really dead. The relationship is dead.

Some days its only been as much as I can do to just say my Higher Power's name over and over again. When I speak HP's name in my mind, I'm invoking HP's presence and help, according to my tradition. HP lives the name, to speak it is to be with.

Extreme self care is increasing meditation. I did 40 minutes this morning and again when I came back from work. Because of that I was actually able to work on  my term paper.

I decided that I would only be able to do 5 hours at work (gratitude: P/T flexible job).  I stopped for conscious breaks every hour. I got up, I minute meditated, I watched the rain a bit. Instead of stewing about something I needed to do, but wasn't sure about, I made those jobs a priority and asked right away so I wouldn't waste any more time. I need people. I need help.

Fortunately I've got a great supervisor. Unfortunately the way that person treats me is better than I was treated growing up - so being with them brings the sting of what wasn't there and makes me aware of what I missed. Today I was able to turn from that sting and be grateful they are in my life.

I read in a book about emotionally absent parents that looking for what wasn't there was just as important as what was there. I found a lot of what wasn't there for me. Neglect is an accurate word.

I remember being so hungry at night I couldn't sleep. I remember gorging myself at holidays because the food actually tasted good, then feeling guilty at eating so much. Then feeling guilty because I liked it better than my family's "healthy" food. I still feel guilty eating until I am full. What about all those other children who don't have any?

Extreme self-are is doing what I can, and surrendering what I can't. I can't pray the rosary. I can meditate. I can't read long passages in the sacred text. I can repeat short verses to myself. "I AM with you always." I can't go to church, I can read the daily mass. I can't be happy. I can be sad.

I set myself in meditation to feel the grief. To feel the sadness, the anger, the betrayal. I will do it as often as it takes, for as long as it takes. When I choose how and where to let it flow over me, when I let myself know that there is a safe space for expressing my pain, it doesn't come out sideways at work or home.

Just for today I will remember that this is just part of the journey, a really hard part, and tomorrow will be different.

Just for today I will practice extreme self-care, and let go of everything else.

Just for today I will do the feeling so I can have the healing.

Just for today I will surrender what I can't, and do what I can.

Just for today I will let the love be the pain.

Grief Journey - Powerless 2 Powerful

I have felt absolutely bereft the past couple of days.

I have been and am grieving the loss of birth family.

With acceptance that a birth parent is a narcissist, comes the decision to distance, and the realization that everyone in that family now appears lost to me due to the poisonous toxic waste put out by the abuser.

I have been put in the role of the golden child, the mascot, the lost child and now the scapegoat.

It's funny how all these roles are run through in a toxic family.

That is their dysfunction. Now that I do not fit in or accept a role - the shunning aka scapegoat.

I went to a meeting tonight, filled with longing for answers and full of problems.

I received insight into what I needed to be doing instead. Reminders. We read from the ODAAT book, and the topic was problem solving. By the end of the meeting I had what I needed. My problems are still there, but they can wait.

Right now I need extreme self care and a strong connection to my Higher Power. I'm not even able to pray in the traditional sense that I am usually able to. There are no words, there is only pain. Pain is all I have to connect with to my Higher Power.

So I gave my Higher Power my pain. My grief. My longing. For 40 minutes.

I need something to show me my progress, so I'm doing my meditation with an app now. I can see what I have done, and also see that others are meditating as well. I don't feel alone.

I need people, but I need to feel that security as well that comes with no people. Social media's "with but not with" has become a huge source of self care right now.

I am completely powerless. Now I can become powerful.

Just for today.....just for today...I will be here, in my pain.

Just for today I will be powerless and become powerful.

The loss of Sacred Text and the finding of spirituality

One of the saddest things that happened to me as a result of abuse was losing the ability to find comfort in the sacred text of my faith.

This was a direct result of the 'accusing voices' or 'critical parent' script, that told me what to believe about what I was reading once I physically got away from the abusive family and church I was a part of.

I was always able to find joy in the Psalms, however.

I have only just recently been able to return to other portions of the Word. The Gospel of John has always been a deep comfort, along with his other books. They are so mystical, so only-easily grasped by the heart and spirit, that I don't know if I ever heard a sermon on them. 

The Song of Songs was another - oh, to be loved that way, and to love! I have returned to this book over and over through the years, re-reading it over and over before key moments in my spiritual journey.

Before I became Catholic, it was all I read. Before I entered Mt. Carmel and before my first and second promise. I imagine if I am called to continue in Carmel the rest of my life, I shall return again to this masterwork of the Spirit.

With the freedom of the Spirit, I have been able to read and appreciate other spiritual traditions without fear of being hexed by the bogeyman.

I'm currently reading The Four Agreements, and I've found that its common sense take on life not only echoes but reinforces my own tradition, and give me muscular practice in spiritual change.

I find the sayings / teachings of Rumi inspiring as well.

Right now for formation I'm reading the Spiritual Canticle of St. John of the Cross. I feel like I am looking into his soul. It is his personal Song of Songs. Sometimes I almost feel carried away, out of myself. I can't read it through without entering a spiritual state.

Poetry has always spoken to me, has been there for me, and has given me a voice to express the inexpressible in my own life.

My day has been tiring. My sleep was broken multiple times, by outside forces, but I was able to surrender my sleep to my Higher Power, even surrender the inability to return to sleep, and took it as an opportunity for communion.

I'm getting better at moment by moment communion.

I subscribe to the emails of Richard Rohr, and his meditation today (by someone else) about the God particle was profoundly moving.

St. John preaches the "NADA" or the way of nothing. My ego, my will, my control, my addiction as they slowly drop off me or reveal to me my weakness, expose my nakedness, my personal expression of image and likeness, to the divine impulse.

I slowly become, I slowly return to the garden of delight, of intimate universal communion.

But I run from God, he frightens me, a creature, by his realness, and so he comes to me in the darkness, hidden living inside a body, my body and I give love to him by loving the self and together we walk hand in hand, moment by moment.

The way of nothing is the way to everything. Because without God everything is nothing, but with him, nothing is everything.

Just for today I will try to improve my conscious contact with God.

Just for today I will seek love with love.

Pure program, St. Teresa

I already told you elsewhere that sometimes the devil gives us great desires so that we will avoid setting ourselves to the task at hand, serving our Lord in possible things, and instead be content with having desired the impossible. Apart from the fact that by prayer you will be helping greatly, you need not be desiring to benefit the whole world but must concentrate on those who are in your company, and thus your deed will be greater since you are more obliged toward them.

- St. Teresa of Avila

Anger and Acceptance

I determined yesterday, after walking around all day in a fog of anger and not being able to name the feeling until later, that the next time I felt like that, I would make a phone call.

I also determined to make a phone call every day I don't go to a meeting.

I can think of a few reasons why phone calls are torturous.

1. Phone as means of control - we didn't have access, so they could control us.
2. Parents yelling at each other over long distance phone bills.
3. No phone calls as a money issue.
4. Getting 'glares' when the phone was used.
5. Strange clicking noises while talking on the phone (someone listening? grrr.)
6. Constant negative feedback about using the phone.
7. Paranoia instilled about who was listening to phone calls.

But I did pick up that hundred pound phone tonight. I made one call, and didn't pick up.

So I sent my cat out to steal things (I discovered KleptoCats two days ago while searching for Pusheen stickers for my phone). I started to count backyard with the timer, and that was really soothing. Who knew? Video games for healing.

By the time I had counted all the way back, and my digital cat had brought me something cool - a unicorn - I was ready to make the second phone call.

I told them that I was angry and that I thought it was about acceptance. I just don't want to accept what happened to me, what is. I got the best advice: ask God what his will was for me right now. That way the focus is not on what I don't have, but on what I do have. Which take some supernatural power, let me tell you.

So I did it, and was able to get up from the digital vortex and just do the next thing. Which led me back to the digital vortex to write about it

It felt good. And I love that silly game.

Just for today I will ask what God's will is for me, then do the next thing that is his will for me.

Just for today I will make a phone call.

Just for today I will remind myself I am grown up and I can make phone calls whenever I want to.

Just for today I will remember I have a phone list, know lots of people on it, and can make that call.

Just for today I will remember that what I did in my own self will wasn't working, and I will give the next step in the program for me a try and keeping trying.

Just for today I will remember that behavior changes thinking. If I want to change inside, I need to move outside as well.

Just for today I will remember my Higher Power loves me, and he has all the power I need, I just have to ask!

Self Care while in Anger

1. Watching the Great British Baking Show.
2. Followed then nudge from my Higher Power about which church to go to.
3. Went to church late, and left early.
4. Happy to have found a church whose physical environment I feel comfortable in.
5. Held my inner child's hand in the church's foyer, instead of making myself go in and sit down.
6. Enjoyed a peaceful drive home beside a waterway.
7. 30 + minutes of silent meditation.
8. Sunbathing. :-)
9. Went to a meeting.
10. Learned how my energy can invite bullying.
11. Learned which tone of my voice can't be heard, sounds weak and invites bullying.
12. Moved one step closer to recording my own voice so I can hear what I sound like.
13. Read Courage to Change & Hope for Today.
14. Told my family I was angry so they wouldn't think it was them.
15. Made myself good, healthy food.
16. Had desserts after every meal.
17. Proofed my letters of recommendation for school.
18. Check my online class for additional assignments.
19. Cleaned most of my refrigerator.
20. Filled up my car tank with gas.
21. Went walking three times.
22. Watched a Pilates video and practiced the breathing.

Self care, self care, self care
Just for today I will remember that self-care reflects acceptance of god's love for me.

Angry. Angry. Angry...

It's a low grade, what I used to call sick.

Because anger wasn't allowed, but sad was allowed. But then sad wasn't allowed, so all that was left was sick.

And so I feel sick, then sad and then finally after a meeting I realized it is anger, my old friend.

Yes.

Something is wrong.

I was abused. And I am angry.

I am angry at the people who abused me. They are jerks and worse.

I am angry at the people who were silent. I was the innocent sacrifice which allowed them to remain in denial.

I am angry, right now, at people in my life who remind me of those people.

I hope they rot in hell. And I will pray for you, so I won't be poisoned with resentment and live a hell on earth. So I can move from hoping they rot in hell, to hoping they find recovery.

I am angry I can't go to church without feeling anxious, terrified and wanting to leave. All those feelings I couldn't feel as a child, having to survive in an abusive religious environment, I am angry.

I am angry that there are bullies, jerks and evil in the world that delight and enjoy destroying beauty and innocence, simply because they can.

No, you don't get a pass if you were abused. So was I, and I didn't abuse others. I became a protector. What did you become? A monster.

I hate all of you and I no longer have to be around you. But I will still pray for you, so my hatred will not consume me and make me a monster as well.

Unfortunately, there will always be people like you. People who delight in destruction. People who take it out on those who are enjoying themselves and life. People who decide to destroy what is beautiful, just because they get a kick out of it.

Would you prefer security to love? Would you sacrifice your own child to save yourself? To protect your viewpoint of the world? What does it say about you if you do that?

What the fuck is wrong with us?

Just for today I will feel all my feelings, and allow them to pass.

Just for today I will observe myself with compassion, and let myself grow at my own pace.

Just for today I will be angry, and I will let it pass.

Let Time Take Time

I am shaking with anger right now. Just shaking with it. Feeling the years that have been stolen, STOLEN, by the abuse.

What really makes me mad is that it comes out in tears, which makes me even angrier.

Tears, at least, were acceptable responses growing up. Not feeling well was also another response.

In ACA I learned the phrase, "Let time take time."

It just takes time, I will feel the feelings and heal, but right now it is really hard!

Self-care triumphs today:

1. Put on make up
2. Picked up around my back yard
3. Logged some additional time at work
4. Put up my curtains early
5. Edited my application
6. Got my boss' approval for a recommendation I wrote (for me)
7. Checked my college inbox (no updates)
8. Read today's Courage to Change
9. Read today's Strengthening my Recovery
10. Made a meal without internal drama
11. Positive positive internal dialogue
12. Watched the clouds go by and listed to Ella Fitzgerald for 15 minutes
13. Morning Prayer

Today I will let time take time, and just do the next thing.
Today I will remember that self care reflects acceptance of God's love for me.

Happy, Joyous and Free

Today I was able to help a friend.

I was tired out, emotionally spent and happy afterward, so I went to a meeting, and for the first time passed when it was time for me to comment.

I felt like I had just given her a spiritual transfusion of blood, and I needed a meeting for support while I recovered.

I was able to go to two meetings today despite being given work to do over the weekend, and having an application left to fill out for school.

I was able to do it by resting each moment as it came with my Higher Power.

The second meeting was ACA, and I had a spiritual experience there while listening to someone share a perspective about looking at the past. I'll share this because it's also in the Al-Anon literature. Looking in the past should be like looking in the rear view mirror, just occasional glances, while living in the now is like looking through the windshield.

I don't know what it was about his story, or how he shared it, but right there I just felt very strongly the presence of eternity, and how I would always be held by love. I let myself be loved right there, and I brought all my ACA friends with me.

After doing a couple hours of work from home, I wanted to keep the excitement going by attending the Al-Anon speaker at our AA anniversary meeting, but I decided not to. I recognized that I was 'going off' into drama and excitement, and that adding another meeting to the day would be overwhelming and exhausting.

So I chose to put on a silly movie, Get Smart, and washed the dishes and made a little something to eat while waiting for my husband to wake up and get dinner for us.

I watched through half of Get Smart, then I was done, and I was ready to do more work. I was able to accomplish much more than I would have ordinarily been able to do. It is such a gift to have so much head space freed up from anxiety and trauma.

It is such a gift to work hard, and see the fruit of meditation crop up during an entire day. To know the presence of God, and to just walk always seeing God. I don't feel him, but he is there. He is just a sure presence.

I mentioned my husband, well I had several choices during the day. I could have gotten upset when he was not up at the "proper time" to get us dinner when I thought he should. I didn't wake him up and I didn't say a thing.

I was able to stay away from anger and bitterness. I was able to not set myself up as god, and I was able to not set him up as god either. I just got a little snack and trusted he would be up whenever was good for him, then I say down and did more work.

I'm really quite amazed at the changes in me. I've been treating myself more gently, and have been able to treat others gently as well. I'm not faking it anymore to survive, it's a gentleness that flows out of me.

Today I will acknowledge that I am receiving the gifts of "doing the healing work."

Today I will be grateful for the ability to do that work.

Today I will enjoy being happy, joyous and free.

Just For Today

Getting up in the morning can be hard, but I have a few tricks now that make it easier on me.

I wake up to a beautiful harp song in the morning, and I stay in bed until it is over.

I get up after its finished, do what I have to do, then head back to bed where I feel warm & cozy and have meditation time.

During the day I try to stay present. Here are some things I do when I get stressed out and begin to "go off" into my freeze response (pretty much my default), anxiety or any other emotion.

1. Put my hand over my heart.
2. Lightly stomp my feet on the floor.
3. Focus on a distant object, like a tree.
4. 60 second meditation, eyes shut, count backward from 60.
5. Take a quick walk - around the office, to get coffee, bathroom break or around the block.
6. Look up at the sky and just breathe.
7. Repeat something beautiful - poetry, music, sacred scriptures, or affirmations.
8. Read something.
9. Check in with Facebook - only works if you're following positive people!
10. Say out loud what I see (this is new!)
11. Follow the five senses. (this is new!)
12. Say the "right now" Serenity prayer.
13. Do the next tiny thing - one click on the computer, one paper, one word, one hand movement.
14. Stand up (I have a stand up desk).
15. Stare at the background picture on my computer screen (something beautiful).
16. Listen to my heart beat.
17. Hold my own hand.
18. Touch or hold a stuffed animal.
19. Water plants.
20. Put on hand lotion.
21. Make some tea & drink it.
22. Listen to music.
23. Listen to nature sounds.
24. Put on the headphones.
25. Stretch.
26. Do a few simple and gentle exercises.
27. Just FEEL whatever emotion is present for five seconds. Repeat if necessary. Do it for longer if necessary, always counting backwards.

For bedtime I have a gentle routine as well. Since having to deal with my trauma, fear of the dark came back to me.

Now I take it very easy. I leave two lights on, shower, read, and make sure I eat something before bed. I dress for bed in something I like, that is comfortable, colorful and feels good.

I leave one light on and do some reading, journaling or praying.

I have remote controlled candles, and I lay there with the candles and my stuffed bear until I either go to sleep (timer on the candles) or I'm ready to turn them off.

It feels strange being gentle with myself, when for so long I have been abrupt and impatient.

But that abruptness and impatience is a result of internalizing the family dysfunction.

To prevent you being hard on me, I will be so hard on myself I will be perfect, and I will never have to feel the pain of abandonment and rejection.

To fix you, I will be perfect. To fix me, you will treat me harshly. Because it's my fault you aren't perfect, and it's my fault I'm not perfect. Little children are given such harsh burdens, and in innocence they are carried.

Perfectionism is so painful. It feels wrong to be human, to make mistakes, to realize I am still and will continue to still learn how to be human. But being human is what I was made to do, it is God's will for me. It is okay to be human. I like it.

Just for today I will accept myself as human. I will accept it is okay to feel the feelings life evokes, to make mistakes and to keep getting up when I fall.

The only thing more terrifying than falling, is continuing to wallow in the mud and say "I can't get up, it's too hard! It's you're fault!" That's how this started in the first place.

It's hard getting up from the victim role, but it is so worth it.

Just for today, I will live through this day only, and not try to tackle all my problems at once.

Just for today, I will ask first, instead of trying to figure out what I need to do.

Just for today, I will be happy, joyous and free, dancing with my Higher Power.

Just for today, I will carry the light yoke and easy burden.

Just for today, I will let myself be loved.

One Day At A Time

I should have expected this. I did so well with parents and husband traveling. Now I'm puddling into relief with everything back to normal-ish

And experiencing that depressing dark aftermath of the parental visit. I feel like so much came up the Monday after.

My eldest shared that the social life is not enough. Although surrounded by people at school, the loss of a tight knit community is just now setting in.

This just devastated me, although I was able to stay calm at the time and offer some suggestions for 'one thing' changes. (Ask some x, ask someone y, try this etc.)

I was catapulted back to my own childhood, where I was always in a class filled with kids 2-3 years older than I. Was it an ego thing? Were they proud I was several grades ahead? I did not feel comfortable. I didn't have friends. The kids older than me were resentful of me being in their grade, and emotionally I was not ready to be with teens.

One episode in particular I remember I was at a party, and feeling uncomfortable as usual (looking back, who wouldn't have felt that way when all the kids were older?), I climbed a tree. Everyone started shooting at me with squirt guns. I laughed at first, because that was my stress response, but when they didn't stop I began to cry. A parent came out to check out the noise, and it stopped, and one boy did apologize on his own, without prompting, over and over. He probably had a crush on me.

Re-feeling all that was terrible. My mother was coming to get me. They called her to come early. I did not feel like she wanted to. I did not feel comforted. I curled up in a ball by myself on the back seat. I went to my room and read when I got home.

I had to go back to the class the next week and be around all of them as well. Such is life, even at public school.

My clothes were always different, because I was younger and stick thin. At one point my grandparents thought I was anorexic. What I ate was one of the few things I could control, and I did it with a vengeance. My sibling directly under me was also shockingly underweight. Health food was the be all end all. We looked disturbingly unhealthy for eating so healthy. I probably could have eaten cardboard if necessary.

I remembered being hungry at night. I didn't feel good, so I didn't eat as much Monday, so early Monday morning I woke up and cried for two hours, just feeling all that darkness, sadness and void. It petered out and I was able to go back to sleep. The rosary has been my lifeline when the crying and grieving is coming to the point of overwhelming/unhealthy, I'm able to direct myself back with the meditation and repetitive prayers.

The sorrowful mysteries took on new meaning for me. I wasn't able to pray them much, because the feelings were so sad, but now I'm stronger and those mysteries help when feeling the feelings.

I remembered the feeling of waking up at night, being depressed, not being able to go back to sleep I was so hungry when I was little. I remember laying in bed at night, being hungry. I have a snack every night before bed now. I got up and got a snack.

It was difficult going to work on Tuesday, but I just set my kids a text asking them to please fix their own breakfast because I needed to sleep in. I slept in, had some quick toast in the car, and carried on. When I walked the dog that morning, I was saying to myself "just one step at a time."

The neighbor lady noticed me dragging, and asked. I shared what happened, about the crying jag and just feeling crappy, and we chatted a bit. I felt better after that - before I wouldn't have shared, just lied.

That dark depression. I remember not wanting to live. I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted to not exist. I lived in books and make believe. I wasn't allowed fantasy, and what I read was strictly controlled by the thought police, but I had my favorites and they saved me.

I got through my childhood one day at a time. And now that I'm an adult, I can comfort that poor little child who was so brave, who didn't have anyone to help.

Today I will tell myself I am loved and accepted, so my inner child can come out and feel all those feelings, because feelings pass and its okay to feel.

Today I will do the healing work, one day at a time, knowing that my life has purpose and meaning, and that this is important work.

One day at a time I will come to realize just how important my life really is, and that I am worth it.

It's not about me

My parents visited to be at my child's school event.

The build up to the visit had an under current of anxiety for one week ahead, beginning with an awareness of impending anxiety 2 weeks in advance, which was an improvement from the stark terror it had been for the previous visits since therapy.

The stark terror was an improvement from the denial/disocciative state in which I worked myself up for a month in advance and fell into a depressive state afterwards for several weeks, depending on length of stay etc. etc.

Since being able to name the disease and the cause of the emotions, and after work through so many of the emotions, repressed into the mists of mind-time, the visit as it was happening did not have the same effect as it has in the past.

I am in awe at the power of healing old wounds. It is truly phenomenal.

My catch phrase for the day was "where's your feet?" Several times before their arrival I caught myself floating off, but gently brought myself back to the present with some affirmations.

I am an adult. I am no longer a child. I am in control. I will do what is best for me. I am in my own house. I can leave at any time if I am uncomfortable. My Higher Power is with me and will guide me. My Higher Power has always been with me and will always be with me. It's not about me. It's them.

I even rode with them in their car to lunch and around town. I have not have been able to do that before. I was a little surprised myself, but each time I put my hand over my heart and asked myself, how are you doing? What do you want to do? Each time the answer I received was "I'm okay with doing this."

As we sat there eating lunch, some things were said and topics elaborated on that would have in the past made me feel like I had to fix something. I reminded myself that it was not about me. I was able to listen without judgment, and feel my own feelings, but let them pass.

Their method of communication is let's ignore who is right in front of us and talk about who is not here. Or, let's make this a conversation all about us. It hurts. That's their problem and it is an awesomely terrible problem. I have to be very careful to not be their therapist. That's not my job. It is not up to me to fix them, if they need help they can get it. I only have to take care of myself.

It still hurts to feel my child feel rejected, to feel like they don't care BUT it's not about me. And I don't have to fix anything for my child either.  My children are intelligent, and can see what is going on, and draw their own conclusions. I don't have to foist my interpretation of what is going on onto them. God, it is so freeing! We can talk about it if necessary.

I was ready for them to go by dinner time. I could feel my boundaries getting a little stepped on and weakening with hunger. My empath sensitivities were tired of dealing with the projections and were weakening with contact. I just didn't want to do it any more, and that was okay!

God, it was good to see them go. All I could think as I saw them off for the final time that night was relief that 1) I don't have to be around them all that much and 2) I'm an adult. I'm an adult! I have a job! I no longer have to rely upon them to live!

What a gift to be able to be moving to interdependence (as opposed to dependence/independence) and to be able to create my own reality of health. This is the gift of recovery, of self- awareness, of the first three steps.

Did I mention that I felt like myself the whole time? I did not slip into the mask even once. Miracles happen.

My boundaries remained intact. I am a little sad to think that my parents require the same boundaries as the people at work. I have accepted it, but it still hurts a little.

But you know what? It doesn't hurt as much as it did when I tried to fit them into my expectations of how parents should be. That hurt so much more. So. much. more.

I've completed my 8th step, and you know what I finally was able to put on it about my parents for amends? That I never accepted them as they truly are. I kept trying to fit them into who I wanted them to be.

I feel like I made amends by beginning to create a new relationship with them based on acceptance, and healthy boundaries. 9th step, whoa.

I feel like I am beginning amends to myself for all the times I felt like I had to force myself to be around people or do things that terrified me. This is an ongoing 9th step.

I lived a long time repressing every emotion. Thank God my childhood emotional outlet was positive, and helped me escape the trauma instead of re-traumatize myself. I can't believe I was able to live so long in denial. Wow, it was so exhausting.

I am the heroine in my own story.

What they do or say - it's not about me.

God grant me the serenity to always be myself, and to accept my parents as they are, and not as I think they should be.

God grant me the serenity to accept myself as I am, and to not push myself to do things when I am terrified or frightened, but to give myself time and space for healing.

God, grant me the serenity to accept that the time of forcing myself is over. That I can now live in the ease and flow of the Spirit of Peace.

God, grant me the serenity, to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me - ACA serenity prayer

Dancing to Ella and Louis with the rain

This is one of those perfect moments after a a one minute at a time day.

Dancing in my cleaned up living room to Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald, to the sound of steady rain outside.

I can dance in it because I can see the floor. It now looks like my bedroom. Only beautiful, inspiring things. No paper clutter, no random junk, no trash and no spouse. I would prefer to have the spouse back, but he is just traveling.

Its filled with our rock collection, artfully displayed (still in progress), pictures the kids drew at various periods, my paintings, and some other artwork.

I took down a lot of the religious pieces. They were somber colors, tired and old looking, because they are old. I love the ancient, time traveled pieces, but now is now. I will pop them in my closet and smile. Maybe eventually they will be recycled for someone else to love.

Right now, I will just dance - I hope you are in a place where you can dance, with yourself, to whatever music strikes your fancy. Some nights are just dancing nights.

Just for tonight, I will dance. 

It doesn't matter what tomorrow holds, yesterday is gone, now is the time to love, live, laugh, dream and DANCE!

"For all that has been, thanks, for all that will be YES." - Dag Hammarskjold.

The Narcissistic Void and God

I was just reading my twitter feed when I saw a tweet that talked about the Narcissistic void.

In Catholicism the new take on the 'sin' of Adam and Eve is not that they became dirty, evil and deprave. It was that something that was there before, was lost, and that was the real, intimate and internal contact with God within. Or, as it is called 'original grace.' The dirt came gradually after that as a natural impact from something beautiful missing.

That sounds kind of like the narcissistic void.

I feel extraordinarily lucky to have been able to find my Higher Power by not losing Him, so to speak. He has been there for me all my life. Bad things happened to me, but I was given the gift of retaining the faith in my Higher Power.

Was that faith accurate at all times? Hell no. Probably still isn't. But I was able to talk to Him as a friend, a confidant. For a long time He was all I had.

When I entered 12 step, I was able to take a good look at what attributes my Higher Power held, and I was able to see that I had put on Him some of the negative qualities of my parents. I was saddened by this, but really, it is quite normal. Instead of dwelling with the sad, I moved on to grateful for the awareness.

The sad comes and goes, but that is my normal, and a different topic.

Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you - St. Augustine.

I think that space within me always hoped to find a God of my understanding, kind of hoping he wasn't like my parents. And He wasn't.

By having that relationship with my Higher Power, my heart is stilled and that 'hole' feels less empty. Slowly I'm able to let him in to the broken places, by feeling all the feelings I am sent. By accepting myself as I am in each moment, I find God.

After all, its not about the narcissist. It's about me and my recovery.

Acceptance is the key to all my problems.

Live and let live

I am grateful today for a flexible work schedule.

I'm exhausted because I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned.

One of my kids had an appointment, and on impulse I asked to make an appointment.

I haven't gone in a year, and I have two cavities that need to be taken care of. Their next opening was at one this afternoon. Hooray?

Now, you wouldn't be able to tell by how I interact with them when I feel comfortable, but I am terrified of the dentist due to how one treated me in my past. Now I only go to female dentists or non-white male dentists. I know myself, and now I just work with what I have and go with it instead of trying to power through my feelings.

Just about everyone has a problem of some sort with the dentist. It's normal. I mean, really, who wants to go to the dentist?

For the first time, after that teeth cleaning, I actually wanted to go back and get my fillings. And it was because I had listened to myself and what I needed. I will ask for nitrous at the tooth filling appointment. I've heard it works great.

Just for today I will 'live and let live' by listening to myself and what I need instead of forcing solutions on myself. I will live, and I will let myself live.

Exhausted - Take it Easy

Today I put my hand over my heart, and the feeling I got back was exhausted.

I laid in bed 30 extra minutes.

After I was able to get moving, I did feel more energetic and was able to make it into work. I actually did well until I got back home, where I did 30 minutes of meditation which got me back to exhausted and collapsed again. I'm so used to running on fumes, rushing, rushing.

I'm finishing up 90210. It is not a blast from the past because it is the second one.

I do remember when the original came out. That was one of the shows that was off limits. Having only one TV in the house helped.

Even if I did have time, I probably wouldn't have watched it. I ran for years. Like I told the counselor, I was addicted to success. It was my way out. My idea of perfection was my way out.

I've let perfect go. I'm letting my idea of success go.

I was lucky, and I'm still lucky. I feel grateful.

Today I will take it easy. I've been running for a long time. It's hard to learn how to walk again, but I am doing it, one day at a time. I am grateful for the gift of recovery, friendship and fellowship.

Fly away to detachment

It never fails that when my spouse travels, there is drama.

Since being in recovery, I now expect drama, of some sort, to come up.

The two days before the travel everything went very well. He drove off, everything was fine, he got to the airport, and all hell broke loose.

The dog had gnawed on his passport about a year and a half ago, and he has traveled with it several times, domestically and internationally.

This time, the clerk wouldn't let him through.

His phone butt dialed me multiple times, each time I picked it up, or rang him back before I got wise to the fact the phone was calling, not him, I heard key snips of the conversation.

He sent me a text message, then as I was driving to a meeting, I got the phone call. The fix me, heal me, make everything better call. He was hysterical, in a manly way, which means he was dictatorial.

I told him I was driving, but as soon as I got to the meeting I would try to find someone to take over (maybe), and then help him.

I made it there and gave him a call. He wanted me to check his email, email his travel person etc. etc. I looked up the person's phone number and sent it to him.

He rushed to the local passport office to try and get a new passport. He got a temporary passport, called his travel agent, who told him it would be a $2000 fee to change the flight, then headed back to the airport.

At the counter, the man checking him in told him that everything happens for a reason.

His original plane still hadn't taken off.

Through all of this I stayed calm. My default was calm. It passed through my head to blame him for not getting a non-chewed passport, but why?

I didn't feed into his anxiety at all. It was amazing.

I felt like oil on water, completely unruffled.

Today I will celebrate the recovery victory, and I will congratulate myself for being able to stay calm.

Today I will be grateful to my Higher Power for recovery, and for being able to carry out His will by keeping the focus on me during a stressful situation.

Today I will be glad I let myself be loved by detaching from someone else's emotions.

Monthly Meeting

This month's meeting offered me some new insight.

I realized why I was having such a hard time within the larger group social and business meeting.

I was trained to meet other people's emotional needs and ignore my own from a very young age. I also had to learn to monitor other people's emotions in order to survive.

I already worked through the emotions of how the building itself (design, layout, smell) reminds me of places from my youth.

However I didn't understand until to day that with being in large group the constant barrage of other people's emotions is overwhelming to me.

I've only recently begun to be able to "stay inside myself" during one on one interaction and let other people take care of their own emotional needs. I've only recently been able to identify people pleasing behavior (words) as it is happening as well.

Having that many people around me means I will need to go apart and sink myself inside before interacting in a significant way. The large group business meeting immediately follows the social, so that is 2 hours. I can handle one, but two gets trying. During the social, I can leave as needed.

Today I took time after mass to say my usual post-mass prayers in the quiet chapel instead of running off immediately to my duties as treasurer gathering up people's money.

This action made a world of difference. I was able to listen to myself, and really monitor what I was feeling and whether or not I actually needed to comment. Many times my desire to comment was simply a desire to control or fix. I remained still and continued to listen, externally and internally

I am still having difficulty in the social, but hopefully that will come with time and practice. Mostly I feel awkward and not sure what to ask or say. This usually only happens around people I actually care about. With others I can just fake it since I don't care anyway.

Now that I'm used to not wearing the mask, when I start to put it on, I feel uncomfortable.

I think I'll stick with awkward and unsure of myself, but still trying.

Just for today I will take my time with what I say. I will stop to see what I think, listen to myself and remember that easy does it.

Just for today I will celebrate how far I've come, trusting that with the help of my Higher Power, I will be able to continue in growth.

Just for today I realize that I am here for a purpose - to be myself fully and completely. With the help of my Higher Power, I can live authentically.

Detaching with Love

I went to a meeting today. My insight was that I've learned to detach from other people's emotional reactions, and to stay inside myself. I was worried about going, but I knew I needed to go, so I went anyway.

When I am thrown back to the past, which often happens in and after meetings, it is difficult to stay inside, and some reactions are still similar to the past - but I know they are happening, and they are not as extreme. This is part of the gift of awareness.

I also know how to get myself back inside myself instead of continuing to run around wounded, wondering why I'm reacting. Self-care is huge.

I can identify my emotions. I don't always like my emotions, but I'm becoming more accepting of them. When I can accept the emotion, and fully feel it, without trying to escape it, push it away or deny it, the emotion passes and I am able to say goodbye.

Goodbye to that lost dream. Or just the dream of a dream. Acceptance is the key.

When I accept what is, then it is like I wake up, and am able to see what I have. I am able to enjoy what I have. I am able to be grateful.

By feeling my feelings my headspace is freed to to focus on my stuff, the good stuff. And there is a lot of good stuff!

Going to meetings is good because it helps stir up things that would otherwise remained unresolved. It also helps me practice what I've learned.

I read the book "The New Codependency" by Melody Beattie, and I have to say I really enjoyed the chapter about how some people need meetings their entire lives, some just need them during crisis, and some go for a time and then leave.

I have to be responsible for my own well being, not handing it over to meetings or anyone else. I can take into consideration what therapists say, what other people say, and what people important to me say, but at the end of the day I am responsible for me.

Do I love me? It is difficult when the healthy ego is destroyed to develop self love but I'm doing it.

I'm letting myself be loved. By myself. By my Higher Power and by others.

When I don't have loving feelings, when I'm all tossed up inside, or have gone outside myself, I can still behave in a loving way to myself or others. I can practice the principles before personalities on me.

Today I will let myself be loved, just as I am, without judgment, without rancour and with respect, tenderness and kindness. I trust that with time I will be able to love as I am loved, and see others as I begin to see myself, with clarity, honesty and compassion.

The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love. First, friendship with myself  and my higher power by accepting my higher power's friendship, second, love for myself and my higher power by accepting my higher power's love for me.

Just for today I will let myself be loved. 

Step 1 - Admitted I am powerless over blog content

Step 1 - Admitted I am powerless over blog content, that my blogging had become unmanageable.

After typing Step 1, I realized that, actually, I do know what this blog will be about.

Granted, I don't know what form or story it will take each day, but I do know this is about my journey through the 12 steps and how this interacts within my life as a child of God in the 3rd order or lay Carmelite vocation of the Catholic church.

Step 1 is very powerful. The second I say, "I don't know," I admit to the possibility that someone else does, or that the answer exists outside myself. I don't have to know, right now. 

When I am okay with not knowing, then I am ready to know.

My blogging is unmanageable, because of control. I I I need to control control control everything.

I don't know which direction this blog will take, other than the above mentioned. I don't know if anyone will read it. I have no control over the fact that my mind starts to obsess about all the things I need to know if I am going to start blogging again. I have to plan for all the bad things that could happen. I have to plan for all the good things that could happen. What if. What if. What if.

No. I do not have to know. I only have to trust that, right now, I need to make this blog. IF someday I need to move it, I can. IF someday, I need to delete it, I can.

When I am okay with not knowing, then I no longer have to control. I can rest in the fact that I only have to do, right now, what I need to do next. That is all that is expected, to do the next right thing.

The unmanageable shrinks down into its right size until I am able to see only the next thing, because I never really saw the big picture anyway. The mirror of my mind had distorted everything, like one of those curved mirrors at the funhouse.

When I am okay with not knowing, then I am ready to know.

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our life had become unmanageable.

I pray that we will find the serenity we seek, and that we will see that what we seek has always been inside us, waiting for us to return to ourselves to find rest.

We are loved with an everlasting love, and surrounding us are the everlasting arms.

No-people, No-place, No-thing, can separate us from the love of God.

Let yourself be loved.