Angry. Angry. Angry...

It's a low grade, what I used to call sick.

Because anger wasn't allowed, but sad was allowed. But then sad wasn't allowed, so all that was left was sick.

And so I feel sick, then sad and then finally after a meeting I realized it is anger, my old friend.

Yes.

Something is wrong.

I was abused. And I am angry.

I am angry at the people who abused me. They are jerks and worse.

I am angry at the people who were silent. I was the innocent sacrifice which allowed them to remain in denial.

I am angry, right now, at people in my life who remind me of those people.

I hope they rot in hell. And I will pray for you, so I won't be poisoned with resentment and live a hell on earth. So I can move from hoping they rot in hell, to hoping they find recovery.

I am angry I can't go to church without feeling anxious, terrified and wanting to leave. All those feelings I couldn't feel as a child, having to survive in an abusive religious environment, I am angry.

I am angry that there are bullies, jerks and evil in the world that delight and enjoy destroying beauty and innocence, simply because they can.

No, you don't get a pass if you were abused. So was I, and I didn't abuse others. I became a protector. What did you become? A monster.

I hate all of you and I no longer have to be around you. But I will still pray for you, so my hatred will not consume me and make me a monster as well.

Unfortunately, there will always be people like you. People who delight in destruction. People who take it out on those who are enjoying themselves and life. People who decide to destroy what is beautiful, just because they get a kick out of it.

Would you prefer security to love? Would you sacrifice your own child to save yourself? To protect your viewpoint of the world? What does it say about you if you do that?

What the fuck is wrong with us?

Just for today I will feel all my feelings, and allow them to pass.

Just for today I will observe myself with compassion, and let myself grow at my own pace.

Just for today I will be angry, and I will let it pass.

One Day At A Time

I should have expected this. I did so well with parents and husband traveling. Now I'm puddling into relief with everything back to normal-ish

And experiencing that depressing dark aftermath of the parental visit. I feel like so much came up the Monday after.

My eldest shared that the social life is not enough. Although surrounded by people at school, the loss of a tight knit community is just now setting in.

This just devastated me, although I was able to stay calm at the time and offer some suggestions for 'one thing' changes. (Ask some x, ask someone y, try this etc.)

I was catapulted back to my own childhood, where I was always in a class filled with kids 2-3 years older than I. Was it an ego thing? Were they proud I was several grades ahead? I did not feel comfortable. I didn't have friends. The kids older than me were resentful of me being in their grade, and emotionally I was not ready to be with teens.

One episode in particular I remember I was at a party, and feeling uncomfortable as usual (looking back, who wouldn't have felt that way when all the kids were older?), I climbed a tree. Everyone started shooting at me with squirt guns. I laughed at first, because that was my stress response, but when they didn't stop I began to cry. A parent came out to check out the noise, and it stopped, and one boy did apologize on his own, without prompting, over and over. He probably had a crush on me.

Re-feeling all that was terrible. My mother was coming to get me. They called her to come early. I did not feel like she wanted to. I did not feel comforted. I curled up in a ball by myself on the back seat. I went to my room and read when I got home.

I had to go back to the class the next week and be around all of them as well. Such is life, even at public school.

My clothes were always different, because I was younger and stick thin. At one point my grandparents thought I was anorexic. What I ate was one of the few things I could control, and I did it with a vengeance. My sibling directly under me was also shockingly underweight. Health food was the be all end all. We looked disturbingly unhealthy for eating so healthy. I probably could have eaten cardboard if necessary.

I remembered being hungry at night. I didn't feel good, so I didn't eat as much Monday, so early Monday morning I woke up and cried for two hours, just feeling all that darkness, sadness and void. It petered out and I was able to go back to sleep. The rosary has been my lifeline when the crying and grieving is coming to the point of overwhelming/unhealthy, I'm able to direct myself back with the meditation and repetitive prayers.

The sorrowful mysteries took on new meaning for me. I wasn't able to pray them much, because the feelings were so sad, but now I'm stronger and those mysteries help when feeling the feelings.

I remembered the feeling of waking up at night, being depressed, not being able to go back to sleep I was so hungry when I was little. I remember laying in bed at night, being hungry. I have a snack every night before bed now. I got up and got a snack.

It was difficult going to work on Tuesday, but I just set my kids a text asking them to please fix their own breakfast because I needed to sleep in. I slept in, had some quick toast in the car, and carried on. When I walked the dog that morning, I was saying to myself "just one step at a time."

The neighbor lady noticed me dragging, and asked. I shared what happened, about the crying jag and just feeling crappy, and we chatted a bit. I felt better after that - before I wouldn't have shared, just lied.

That dark depression. I remember not wanting to live. I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted to not exist. I lived in books and make believe. I wasn't allowed fantasy, and what I read was strictly controlled by the thought police, but I had my favorites and they saved me.

I got through my childhood one day at a time. And now that I'm an adult, I can comfort that poor little child who was so brave, who didn't have anyone to help.

Today I will tell myself I am loved and accepted, so my inner child can come out and feel all those feelings, because feelings pass and its okay to feel.

Today I will do the healing work, one day at a time, knowing that my life has purpose and meaning, and that this is important work.

One day at a time I will come to realize just how important my life really is, and that I am worth it.

Detaching with Love

I went to a meeting today. My insight was that I've learned to detach from other people's emotional reactions, and to stay inside myself. I was worried about going, but I knew I needed to go, so I went anyway.

When I am thrown back to the past, which often happens in and after meetings, it is difficult to stay inside, and some reactions are still similar to the past - but I know they are happening, and they are not as extreme. This is part of the gift of awareness.

I also know how to get myself back inside myself instead of continuing to run around wounded, wondering why I'm reacting. Self-care is huge.

I can identify my emotions. I don't always like my emotions, but I'm becoming more accepting of them. When I can accept the emotion, and fully feel it, without trying to escape it, push it away or deny it, the emotion passes and I am able to say goodbye.

Goodbye to that lost dream. Or just the dream of a dream. Acceptance is the key.

When I accept what is, then it is like I wake up, and am able to see what I have. I am able to enjoy what I have. I am able to be grateful.

By feeling my feelings my headspace is freed to to focus on my stuff, the good stuff. And there is a lot of good stuff!

Going to meetings is good because it helps stir up things that would otherwise remained unresolved. It also helps me practice what I've learned.

I read the book "The New Codependency" by Melody Beattie, and I have to say I really enjoyed the chapter about how some people need meetings their entire lives, some just need them during crisis, and some go for a time and then leave.

I have to be responsible for my own well being, not handing it over to meetings or anyone else. I can take into consideration what therapists say, what other people say, and what people important to me say, but at the end of the day I am responsible for me.

Do I love me? It is difficult when the healthy ego is destroyed to develop self love but I'm doing it.

I'm letting myself be loved. By myself. By my Higher Power and by others.

When I don't have loving feelings, when I'm all tossed up inside, or have gone outside myself, I can still behave in a loving way to myself or others. I can practice the principles before personalities on me.

Today I will let myself be loved, just as I am, without judgment, without rancour and with respect, tenderness and kindness. I trust that with time I will be able to love as I am loved, and see others as I begin to see myself, with clarity, honesty and compassion.

The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love. First, friendship with myself  and my higher power by accepting my higher power's friendship, second, love for myself and my higher power by accepting my higher power's love for me.

Just for today I will let myself be loved.