How Important is it? VERY #powerless2powerful

Today was a rage day.

It's a nice change from sadness/grief. Those emotions can be very lethargy inducing.

When I first hit the doors of recovery, I was stone cold angry.

That dissipated in a couple of months, and I was able to take a more measured approach. Now I realize that what happened to me was a gift, because it separated me from the abusive people.

Now, as I journey through therapy and work on myself, I see that there are very justifiable times for my anger. In the past, there were times when I needed to speak up, but didn't. That was wrong.

How important is it? It is VERY important.

Abusive behavior is not acceptable. Those who stand by and watch are culpable as well. They are accessories to the abuse, especially if they enable the abuse.

I am angry these people didn't listen to me. I am angry more people than me were abused. I am angry that cowards wouldn't fight for me and left me to figure out how to protect myself. I did a great job for being so young. I did what I had to do to survive the war zone that was my youth.

I didn't turn out abusive. I became a protector, a nurturer and an alligator. I built up resentments to protect myself. Sarcasm became a way to fight back.

I don't need the resentments to protect myself any more. Sarcasm hurts me more than it does others. I put down the poison, and picked up the truth.

And the truth hurts before it heals. It hurts so bad, but I'm going to get through this one day at a time.

I've got healthy tools now, and a good support network.

I stopped going to church, for now. I even stopped praying the rosary, but thank God that came back today.

Going to church is something that will come back. Right now I need to stay away, I need to give myself time and I need to heal. I need to be gentle with myself.

I channeled my rage into usefulness by emailing an editor about a victim shaming/blaming headline. I studied for grad school. I meditated, ate, and walked more than my usual mile. I stayed in the present. I enjoyed the beautiful day and I thanked God that I no longer have to be around those abusive people.

Today I will choose to be grateful in the midst of anger.

Today I will choose to see that I have been loved all my life by my Higher Power.

Today I will be gentle with myself, and let myself heal.

Today I will fight for the rights of the innocent.

Today I will feel to heal.

Today I AM IMPORTANT.

Extreme Self Care - Powerless 2 Powerful

Once I realized that I was grieving, after a long session of meditation, I immediately moved into extreme self-care mode.

I realized I was feeling the same way I felt when those close to me had died.

It's a blank feeling for me. Like there is nothing there. The mind does.not.work. There is constant tension behind the eyes, and lack of appetite. This contains an element of depression, because the people aren't really dead. The relationship is dead.

Some days its only been as much as I can do to just say my Higher Power's name over and over again. When I speak HP's name in my mind, I'm invoking HP's presence and help, according to my tradition. HP lives the name, to speak it is to be with.

Extreme self care is increasing meditation. I did 40 minutes this morning and again when I came back from work. Because of that I was actually able to work on  my term paper.

I decided that I would only be able to do 5 hours at work (gratitude: P/T flexible job).  I stopped for conscious breaks every hour. I got up, I minute meditated, I watched the rain a bit. Instead of stewing about something I needed to do, but wasn't sure about, I made those jobs a priority and asked right away so I wouldn't waste any more time. I need people. I need help.

Fortunately I've got a great supervisor. Unfortunately the way that person treats me is better than I was treated growing up - so being with them brings the sting of what wasn't there and makes me aware of what I missed. Today I was able to turn from that sting and be grateful they are in my life.

I read in a book about emotionally absent parents that looking for what wasn't there was just as important as what was there. I found a lot of what wasn't there for me. Neglect is an accurate word.

I remember being so hungry at night I couldn't sleep. I remember gorging myself at holidays because the food actually tasted good, then feeling guilty at eating so much. Then feeling guilty because I liked it better than my family's "healthy" food. I still feel guilty eating until I am full. What about all those other children who don't have any?

Extreme self-are is doing what I can, and surrendering what I can't. I can't pray the rosary. I can meditate. I can't read long passages in the sacred text. I can repeat short verses to myself. "I AM with you always." I can't go to church, I can read the daily mass. I can't be happy. I can be sad.

I set myself in meditation to feel the grief. To feel the sadness, the anger, the betrayal. I will do it as often as it takes, for as long as it takes. When I choose how and where to let it flow over me, when I let myself know that there is a safe space for expressing my pain, it doesn't come out sideways at work or home.

Just for today I will remember that this is just part of the journey, a really hard part, and tomorrow will be different.

Just for today I will practice extreme self-care, and let go of everything else.

Just for today I will do the feeling so I can have the healing.

Just for today I will surrender what I can't, and do what I can.

Just for today I will let the love be the pain.

Grief Journey - Powerless 2 Powerful

I have felt absolutely bereft the past couple of days.

I have been and am grieving the loss of birth family.

With acceptance that a birth parent is a narcissist, comes the decision to distance, and the realization that everyone in that family now appears lost to me due to the poisonous toxic waste put out by the abuser.

I have been put in the role of the golden child, the mascot, the lost child and now the scapegoat.

It's funny how all these roles are run through in a toxic family.

That is their dysfunction. Now that I do not fit in or accept a role - the shunning aka scapegoat.

I went to a meeting tonight, filled with longing for answers and full of problems.

I received insight into what I needed to be doing instead. Reminders. We read from the ODAAT book, and the topic was problem solving. By the end of the meeting I had what I needed. My problems are still there, but they can wait.

Right now I need extreme self care and a strong connection to my Higher Power. I'm not even able to pray in the traditional sense that I am usually able to. There are no words, there is only pain. Pain is all I have to connect with to my Higher Power.

So I gave my Higher Power my pain. My grief. My longing. For 40 minutes.

I need something to show me my progress, so I'm doing my meditation with an app now. I can see what I have done, and also see that others are meditating as well. I don't feel alone.

I need people, but I need to feel that security as well that comes with no people. Social media's "with but not with" has become a huge source of self care right now.

I am completely powerless. Now I can become powerful.

Just for today.....just for today...I will be here, in my pain.

Just for today I will be powerless and become powerful.