Today was a rage day.
It's a nice change from sadness/grief. Those emotions can be very lethargy inducing.
When I first hit the doors of recovery, I was stone cold angry.
That dissipated in a couple of months, and I was able to take a more measured approach. Now I realize that what happened to me was a gift, because it separated me from the abusive people.
Now, as I journey through therapy and work on myself, I see that there are very justifiable times for my anger. In the past, there were times when I needed to speak up, but didn't. That was wrong.
How important is it? It is VERY important.
Abusive behavior is not acceptable. Those who stand by and watch are culpable as well. They are accessories to the abuse, especially if they enable the abuse.
I am angry these people didn't listen to me. I am angry more people than me were abused. I am angry that cowards wouldn't fight for me and left me to figure out how to protect myself. I did a great job for being so young. I did what I had to do to survive the war zone that was my youth.
I didn't turn out abusive. I became a protector, a nurturer and an alligator. I built up resentments to protect myself. Sarcasm became a way to fight back.
I don't need the resentments to protect myself any more. Sarcasm hurts me more than it does others. I put down the poison, and picked up the truth.
And the truth hurts before it heals. It hurts so bad, but I'm going to get through this one day at a time.
I've got healthy tools now, and a good support network.
I stopped going to church, for now. I even stopped praying the rosary, but thank God that came back today.
Going to church is something that will come back. Right now I need to stay away, I need to give myself time and I need to heal. I need to be gentle with myself.
I channeled my rage into usefulness by emailing an editor about a victim shaming/blaming headline. I studied for grad school. I meditated, ate, and walked more than my usual mile. I stayed in the present. I enjoyed the beautiful day and I thanked God that I no longer have to be around those abusive people.
Today I will choose to be grateful in the midst of anger.
Today I will choose to see that I have been loved all my life by my Higher Power.
Today I will be gentle with myself, and let myself heal.
Today I will fight for the rights of the innocent.
Today I will feel to heal.
Today I AM IMPORTANT.
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