Grief Journey - Powerless 2 Powerful

I have felt absolutely bereft the past couple of days.

I have been and am grieving the loss of birth family.

With acceptance that a birth parent is a narcissist, comes the decision to distance, and the realization that everyone in that family now appears lost to me due to the poisonous toxic waste put out by the abuser.

I have been put in the role of the golden child, the mascot, the lost child and now the scapegoat.

It's funny how all these roles are run through in a toxic family.

That is their dysfunction. Now that I do not fit in or accept a role - the shunning aka scapegoat.

I went to a meeting tonight, filled with longing for answers and full of problems.

I received insight into what I needed to be doing instead. Reminders. We read from the ODAAT book, and the topic was problem solving. By the end of the meeting I had what I needed. My problems are still there, but they can wait.

Right now I need extreme self care and a strong connection to my Higher Power. I'm not even able to pray in the traditional sense that I am usually able to. There are no words, there is only pain. Pain is all I have to connect with to my Higher Power.

So I gave my Higher Power my pain. My grief. My longing. For 40 minutes.

I need something to show me my progress, so I'm doing my meditation with an app now. I can see what I have done, and also see that others are meditating as well. I don't feel alone.

I need people, but I need to feel that security as well that comes with no people. Social media's "with but not with" has become a huge source of self care right now.

I am completely powerless. Now I can become powerful.

Just for today.....just for today...I will be here, in my pain.

Just for today I will be powerless and become powerful.

Self Care while in Anger

1. Watching the Great British Baking Show.
2. Followed then nudge from my Higher Power about which church to go to.
3. Went to church late, and left early.
4. Happy to have found a church whose physical environment I feel comfortable in.
5. Held my inner child's hand in the church's foyer, instead of making myself go in and sit down.
6. Enjoyed a peaceful drive home beside a waterway.
7. 30 + minutes of silent meditation.
8. Sunbathing. :-)
9. Went to a meeting.
10. Learned how my energy can invite bullying.
11. Learned which tone of my voice can't be heard, sounds weak and invites bullying.
12. Moved one step closer to recording my own voice so I can hear what I sound like.
13. Read Courage to Change & Hope for Today.
14. Told my family I was angry so they wouldn't think it was them.
15. Made myself good, healthy food.
16. Had desserts after every meal.
17. Proofed my letters of recommendation for school.
18. Check my online class for additional assignments.
19. Cleaned most of my refrigerator.
20. Filled up my car tank with gas.
21. Went walking three times.
22. Watched a Pilates video and practiced the breathing.

Self care, self care, self care
Just for today I will remember that self-care reflects acceptance of god's love for me.

Let Time Take Time

I am shaking with anger right now. Just shaking with it. Feeling the years that have been stolen, STOLEN, by the abuse.

What really makes me mad is that it comes out in tears, which makes me even angrier.

Tears, at least, were acceptable responses growing up. Not feeling well was also another response.

In ACA I learned the phrase, "Let time take time."

It just takes time, I will feel the feelings and heal, but right now it is really hard!

Self-care triumphs today:

1. Put on make up
2. Picked up around my back yard
3. Logged some additional time at work
4. Put up my curtains early
5. Edited my application
6. Got my boss' approval for a recommendation I wrote (for me)
7. Checked my college inbox (no updates)
8. Read today's Courage to Change
9. Read today's Strengthening my Recovery
10. Made a meal without internal drama
11. Positive positive internal dialogue
12. Watched the clouds go by and listed to Ella Fitzgerald for 15 minutes
13. Morning Prayer

Today I will let time take time, and just do the next thing.
Today I will remember that self care reflects acceptance of God's love for me.

Monthly Meeting

This month's meeting offered me some new insight.

I realized why I was having such a hard time within the larger group social and business meeting.

I was trained to meet other people's emotional needs and ignore my own from a very young age. I also had to learn to monitor other people's emotions in order to survive.

I already worked through the emotions of how the building itself (design, layout, smell) reminds me of places from my youth.

However I didn't understand until to day that with being in large group the constant barrage of other people's emotions is overwhelming to me.

I've only recently begun to be able to "stay inside myself" during one on one interaction and let other people take care of their own emotional needs. I've only recently been able to identify people pleasing behavior (words) as it is happening as well.

Having that many people around me means I will need to go apart and sink myself inside before interacting in a significant way. The large group business meeting immediately follows the social, so that is 2 hours. I can handle one, but two gets trying. During the social, I can leave as needed.

Today I took time after mass to say my usual post-mass prayers in the quiet chapel instead of running off immediately to my duties as treasurer gathering up people's money.

This action made a world of difference. I was able to listen to myself, and really monitor what I was feeling and whether or not I actually needed to comment. Many times my desire to comment was simply a desire to control or fix. I remained still and continued to listen, externally and internally

I am still having difficulty in the social, but hopefully that will come with time and practice. Mostly I feel awkward and not sure what to ask or say. This usually only happens around people I actually care about. With others I can just fake it since I don't care anyway.

Now that I'm used to not wearing the mask, when I start to put it on, I feel uncomfortable.

I think I'll stick with awkward and unsure of myself, but still trying.

Just for today I will take my time with what I say. I will stop to see what I think, listen to myself and remember that easy does it.

Just for today I will celebrate how far I've come, trusting that with the help of my Higher Power, I will be able to continue in growth.

Just for today I realize that I am here for a purpose - to be myself fully and completely. With the help of my Higher Power, I can live authentically.

Detaching with Love

I went to a meeting today. My insight was that I've learned to detach from other people's emotional reactions, and to stay inside myself. I was worried about going, but I knew I needed to go, so I went anyway.

When I am thrown back to the past, which often happens in and after meetings, it is difficult to stay inside, and some reactions are still similar to the past - but I know they are happening, and they are not as extreme. This is part of the gift of awareness.

I also know how to get myself back inside myself instead of continuing to run around wounded, wondering why I'm reacting. Self-care is huge.

I can identify my emotions. I don't always like my emotions, but I'm becoming more accepting of them. When I can accept the emotion, and fully feel it, without trying to escape it, push it away or deny it, the emotion passes and I am able to say goodbye.

Goodbye to that lost dream. Or just the dream of a dream. Acceptance is the key.

When I accept what is, then it is like I wake up, and am able to see what I have. I am able to enjoy what I have. I am able to be grateful.

By feeling my feelings my headspace is freed to to focus on my stuff, the good stuff. And there is a lot of good stuff!

Going to meetings is good because it helps stir up things that would otherwise remained unresolved. It also helps me practice what I've learned.

I read the book "The New Codependency" by Melody Beattie, and I have to say I really enjoyed the chapter about how some people need meetings their entire lives, some just need them during crisis, and some go for a time and then leave.

I have to be responsible for my own well being, not handing it over to meetings or anyone else. I can take into consideration what therapists say, what other people say, and what people important to me say, but at the end of the day I am responsible for me.

Do I love me? It is difficult when the healthy ego is destroyed to develop self love but I'm doing it.

I'm letting myself be loved. By myself. By my Higher Power and by others.

When I don't have loving feelings, when I'm all tossed up inside, or have gone outside myself, I can still behave in a loving way to myself or others. I can practice the principles before personalities on me.

Today I will let myself be loved, just as I am, without judgment, without rancour and with respect, tenderness and kindness. I trust that with time I will be able to love as I am loved, and see others as I begin to see myself, with clarity, honesty and compassion.

The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love. First, friendship with myself  and my higher power by accepting my higher power's friendship, second, love for myself and my higher power by accepting my higher power's love for me.

Just for today I will let myself be loved.