One Day At A Time

I should have expected this. I did so well with parents and husband traveling. Now I'm puddling into relief with everything back to normal-ish

And experiencing that depressing dark aftermath of the parental visit. I feel like so much came up the Monday after.

My eldest shared that the social life is not enough. Although surrounded by people at school, the loss of a tight knit community is just now setting in.

This just devastated me, although I was able to stay calm at the time and offer some suggestions for 'one thing' changes. (Ask some x, ask someone y, try this etc.)

I was catapulted back to my own childhood, where I was always in a class filled with kids 2-3 years older than I. Was it an ego thing? Were they proud I was several grades ahead? I did not feel comfortable. I didn't have friends. The kids older than me were resentful of me being in their grade, and emotionally I was not ready to be with teens.

One episode in particular I remember I was at a party, and feeling uncomfortable as usual (looking back, who wouldn't have felt that way when all the kids were older?), I climbed a tree. Everyone started shooting at me with squirt guns. I laughed at first, because that was my stress response, but when they didn't stop I began to cry. A parent came out to check out the noise, and it stopped, and one boy did apologize on his own, without prompting, over and over. He probably had a crush on me.

Re-feeling all that was terrible. My mother was coming to get me. They called her to come early. I did not feel like she wanted to. I did not feel comforted. I curled up in a ball by myself on the back seat. I went to my room and read when I got home.

I had to go back to the class the next week and be around all of them as well. Such is life, even at public school.

My clothes were always different, because I was younger and stick thin. At one point my grandparents thought I was anorexic. What I ate was one of the few things I could control, and I did it with a vengeance. My sibling directly under me was also shockingly underweight. Health food was the be all end all. We looked disturbingly unhealthy for eating so healthy. I probably could have eaten cardboard if necessary.

I remembered being hungry at night. I didn't feel good, so I didn't eat as much Monday, so early Monday morning I woke up and cried for two hours, just feeling all that darkness, sadness and void. It petered out and I was able to go back to sleep. The rosary has been my lifeline when the crying and grieving is coming to the point of overwhelming/unhealthy, I'm able to direct myself back with the meditation and repetitive prayers.

The sorrowful mysteries took on new meaning for me. I wasn't able to pray them much, because the feelings were so sad, but now I'm stronger and those mysteries help when feeling the feelings.

I remembered the feeling of waking up at night, being depressed, not being able to go back to sleep I was so hungry when I was little. I remember laying in bed at night, being hungry. I have a snack every night before bed now. I got up and got a snack.

It was difficult going to work on Tuesday, but I just set my kids a text asking them to please fix their own breakfast because I needed to sleep in. I slept in, had some quick toast in the car, and carried on. When I walked the dog that morning, I was saying to myself "just one step at a time."

The neighbor lady noticed me dragging, and asked. I shared what happened, about the crying jag and just feeling crappy, and we chatted a bit. I felt better after that - before I wouldn't have shared, just lied.

That dark depression. I remember not wanting to live. I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted to not exist. I lived in books and make believe. I wasn't allowed fantasy, and what I read was strictly controlled by the thought police, but I had my favorites and they saved me.

I got through my childhood one day at a time. And now that I'm an adult, I can comfort that poor little child who was so brave, who didn't have anyone to help.

Today I will tell myself I am loved and accepted, so my inner child can come out and feel all those feelings, because feelings pass and its okay to feel.

Today I will do the healing work, one day at a time, knowing that my life has purpose and meaning, and that this is important work.

One day at a time I will come to realize just how important my life really is, and that I am worth it.

The Narcissistic Void and God

I was just reading my twitter feed when I saw a tweet that talked about the Narcissistic void.

In Catholicism the new take on the 'sin' of Adam and Eve is not that they became dirty, evil and deprave. It was that something that was there before, was lost, and that was the real, intimate and internal contact with God within. Or, as it is called 'original grace.' The dirt came gradually after that as a natural impact from something beautiful missing.

That sounds kind of like the narcissistic void.

I feel extraordinarily lucky to have been able to find my Higher Power by not losing Him, so to speak. He has been there for me all my life. Bad things happened to me, but I was given the gift of retaining the faith in my Higher Power.

Was that faith accurate at all times? Hell no. Probably still isn't. But I was able to talk to Him as a friend, a confidant. For a long time He was all I had.

When I entered 12 step, I was able to take a good look at what attributes my Higher Power held, and I was able to see that I had put on Him some of the negative qualities of my parents. I was saddened by this, but really, it is quite normal. Instead of dwelling with the sad, I moved on to grateful for the awareness.

The sad comes and goes, but that is my normal, and a different topic.

Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you - St. Augustine.

I think that space within me always hoped to find a God of my understanding, kind of hoping he wasn't like my parents. And He wasn't.

By having that relationship with my Higher Power, my heart is stilled and that 'hole' feels less empty. Slowly I'm able to let him in to the broken places, by feeling all the feelings I am sent. By accepting myself as I am in each moment, I find God.

After all, its not about the narcissist. It's about me and my recovery.

Acceptance is the key to all my problems.