I was just reading my twitter feed when I saw a tweet that talked about the Narcissistic void.
In Catholicism the new take on the 'sin' of Adam and Eve is not that they became dirty, evil and deprave. It was that something that was there before, was lost, and that was the real, intimate and internal contact with God within. Or, as it is called 'original grace.' The dirt came gradually after that as a natural impact from something beautiful missing.
That sounds kind of like the narcissistic void.
I feel extraordinarily lucky to have been able to find my Higher Power by not losing Him, so to speak. He has been there for me all my life. Bad things happened to me, but I was given the gift of retaining the faith in my Higher Power.
Was that faith accurate at all times? Hell no. Probably still isn't. But I was able to talk to Him as a friend, a confidant. For a long time He was all I had.
When I entered 12 step, I was able to take a good look at what attributes my Higher Power held, and I was able to see that I had put on Him some of the negative qualities of my parents. I was saddened by this, but really, it is quite normal. Instead of dwelling with the sad, I moved on to grateful for the awareness.
The sad comes and goes, but that is my normal, and a different topic.
Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you - St. Augustine.
I think that space within me always hoped to find a God of my understanding, kind of hoping he wasn't like my parents. And He wasn't.
By having that relationship with my Higher Power, my heart is stilled and that 'hole' feels less empty. Slowly I'm able to let him in to the broken places, by feeling all the feelings I am sent. By accepting myself as I am in each moment, I find God.
After all, its not about the narcissist. It's about me and my recovery.
Acceptance is the key to all my problems.
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