How Important is it? VERY #powerless2powerful

Today was a rage day.

It's a nice change from sadness/grief. Those emotions can be very lethargy inducing.

When I first hit the doors of recovery, I was stone cold angry.

That dissipated in a couple of months, and I was able to take a more measured approach. Now I realize that what happened to me was a gift, because it separated me from the abusive people.

Now, as I journey through therapy and work on myself, I see that there are very justifiable times for my anger. In the past, there were times when I needed to speak up, but didn't. That was wrong.

How important is it? It is VERY important.

Abusive behavior is not acceptable. Those who stand by and watch are culpable as well. They are accessories to the abuse, especially if they enable the abuse.

I am angry these people didn't listen to me. I am angry more people than me were abused. I am angry that cowards wouldn't fight for me and left me to figure out how to protect myself. I did a great job for being so young. I did what I had to do to survive the war zone that was my youth.

I didn't turn out abusive. I became a protector, a nurturer and an alligator. I built up resentments to protect myself. Sarcasm became a way to fight back.

I don't need the resentments to protect myself any more. Sarcasm hurts me more than it does others. I put down the poison, and picked up the truth.

And the truth hurts before it heals. It hurts so bad, but I'm going to get through this one day at a time.

I've got healthy tools now, and a good support network.

I stopped going to church, for now. I even stopped praying the rosary, but thank God that came back today.

Going to church is something that will come back. Right now I need to stay away, I need to give myself time and I need to heal. I need to be gentle with myself.

I channeled my rage into usefulness by emailing an editor about a victim shaming/blaming headline. I studied for grad school. I meditated, ate, and walked more than my usual mile. I stayed in the present. I enjoyed the beautiful day and I thanked God that I no longer have to be around those abusive people.

Today I will choose to be grateful in the midst of anger.

Today I will choose to see that I have been loved all my life by my Higher Power.

Today I will be gentle with myself, and let myself heal.

Today I will fight for the rights of the innocent.

Today I will feel to heal.

Today I AM IMPORTANT.

Grief Journey - Powerless 2 Powerful

I have felt absolutely bereft the past couple of days.

I have been and am grieving the loss of birth family.

With acceptance that a birth parent is a narcissist, comes the decision to distance, and the realization that everyone in that family now appears lost to me due to the poisonous toxic waste put out by the abuser.

I have been put in the role of the golden child, the mascot, the lost child and now the scapegoat.

It's funny how all these roles are run through in a toxic family.

That is their dysfunction. Now that I do not fit in or accept a role - the shunning aka scapegoat.

I went to a meeting tonight, filled with longing for answers and full of problems.

I received insight into what I needed to be doing instead. Reminders. We read from the ODAAT book, and the topic was problem solving. By the end of the meeting I had what I needed. My problems are still there, but they can wait.

Right now I need extreme self care and a strong connection to my Higher Power. I'm not even able to pray in the traditional sense that I am usually able to. There are no words, there is only pain. Pain is all I have to connect with to my Higher Power.

So I gave my Higher Power my pain. My grief. My longing. For 40 minutes.

I need something to show me my progress, so I'm doing my meditation with an app now. I can see what I have done, and also see that others are meditating as well. I don't feel alone.

I need people, but I need to feel that security as well that comes with no people. Social media's "with but not with" has become a huge source of self care right now.

I am completely powerless. Now I can become powerful.

Just for today.....just for today...I will be here, in my pain.

Just for today I will be powerless and become powerful.

Just For Today

Getting up in the morning can be hard, but I have a few tricks now that make it easier on me.

I wake up to a beautiful harp song in the morning, and I stay in bed until it is over.

I get up after its finished, do what I have to do, then head back to bed where I feel warm & cozy and have meditation time.

During the day I try to stay present. Here are some things I do when I get stressed out and begin to "go off" into my freeze response (pretty much my default), anxiety or any other emotion.

1. Put my hand over my heart.
2. Lightly stomp my feet on the floor.
3. Focus on a distant object, like a tree.
4. 60 second meditation, eyes shut, count backward from 60.
5. Take a quick walk - around the office, to get coffee, bathroom break or around the block.
6. Look up at the sky and just breathe.
7. Repeat something beautiful - poetry, music, sacred scriptures, or affirmations.
8. Read something.
9. Check in with Facebook - only works if you're following positive people!
10. Say out loud what I see (this is new!)
11. Follow the five senses. (this is new!)
12. Say the "right now" Serenity prayer.
13. Do the next tiny thing - one click on the computer, one paper, one word, one hand movement.
14. Stand up (I have a stand up desk).
15. Stare at the background picture on my computer screen (something beautiful).
16. Listen to my heart beat.
17. Hold my own hand.
18. Touch or hold a stuffed animal.
19. Water plants.
20. Put on hand lotion.
21. Make some tea & drink it.
22. Listen to music.
23. Listen to nature sounds.
24. Put on the headphones.
25. Stretch.
26. Do a few simple and gentle exercises.
27. Just FEEL whatever emotion is present for five seconds. Repeat if necessary. Do it for longer if necessary, always counting backwards.

For bedtime I have a gentle routine as well. Since having to deal with my trauma, fear of the dark came back to me.

Now I take it very easy. I leave two lights on, shower, read, and make sure I eat something before bed. I dress for bed in something I like, that is comfortable, colorful and feels good.

I leave one light on and do some reading, journaling or praying.

I have remote controlled candles, and I lay there with the candles and my stuffed bear until I either go to sleep (timer on the candles) or I'm ready to turn them off.

It feels strange being gentle with myself, when for so long I have been abrupt and impatient.

But that abruptness and impatience is a result of internalizing the family dysfunction.

To prevent you being hard on me, I will be so hard on myself I will be perfect, and I will never have to feel the pain of abandonment and rejection.

To fix you, I will be perfect. To fix me, you will treat me harshly. Because it's my fault you aren't perfect, and it's my fault I'm not perfect. Little children are given such harsh burdens, and in innocence they are carried.

Perfectionism is so painful. It feels wrong to be human, to make mistakes, to realize I am still and will continue to still learn how to be human. But being human is what I was made to do, it is God's will for me. It is okay to be human. I like it.

Just for today I will accept myself as human. I will accept it is okay to feel the feelings life evokes, to make mistakes and to keep getting up when I fall.

The only thing more terrifying than falling, is continuing to wallow in the mud and say "I can't get up, it's too hard! It's you're fault!" That's how this started in the first place.

It's hard getting up from the victim role, but it is so worth it.

Just for today, I will live through this day only, and not try to tackle all my problems at once.

Just for today, I will ask first, instead of trying to figure out what I need to do.

Just for today, I will be happy, joyous and free, dancing with my Higher Power.

Just for today, I will carry the light yoke and easy burden.

Just for today, I will let myself be loved.

One Day At A Time

I should have expected this. I did so well with parents and husband traveling. Now I'm puddling into relief with everything back to normal-ish

And experiencing that depressing dark aftermath of the parental visit. I feel like so much came up the Monday after.

My eldest shared that the social life is not enough. Although surrounded by people at school, the loss of a tight knit community is just now setting in.

This just devastated me, although I was able to stay calm at the time and offer some suggestions for 'one thing' changes. (Ask some x, ask someone y, try this etc.)

I was catapulted back to my own childhood, where I was always in a class filled with kids 2-3 years older than I. Was it an ego thing? Were they proud I was several grades ahead? I did not feel comfortable. I didn't have friends. The kids older than me were resentful of me being in their grade, and emotionally I was not ready to be with teens.

One episode in particular I remember I was at a party, and feeling uncomfortable as usual (looking back, who wouldn't have felt that way when all the kids were older?), I climbed a tree. Everyone started shooting at me with squirt guns. I laughed at first, because that was my stress response, but when they didn't stop I began to cry. A parent came out to check out the noise, and it stopped, and one boy did apologize on his own, without prompting, over and over. He probably had a crush on me.

Re-feeling all that was terrible. My mother was coming to get me. They called her to come early. I did not feel like she wanted to. I did not feel comforted. I curled up in a ball by myself on the back seat. I went to my room and read when I got home.

I had to go back to the class the next week and be around all of them as well. Such is life, even at public school.

My clothes were always different, because I was younger and stick thin. At one point my grandparents thought I was anorexic. What I ate was one of the few things I could control, and I did it with a vengeance. My sibling directly under me was also shockingly underweight. Health food was the be all end all. We looked disturbingly unhealthy for eating so healthy. I probably could have eaten cardboard if necessary.

I remembered being hungry at night. I didn't feel good, so I didn't eat as much Monday, so early Monday morning I woke up and cried for two hours, just feeling all that darkness, sadness and void. It petered out and I was able to go back to sleep. The rosary has been my lifeline when the crying and grieving is coming to the point of overwhelming/unhealthy, I'm able to direct myself back with the meditation and repetitive prayers.

The sorrowful mysteries took on new meaning for me. I wasn't able to pray them much, because the feelings were so sad, but now I'm stronger and those mysteries help when feeling the feelings.

I remembered the feeling of waking up at night, being depressed, not being able to go back to sleep I was so hungry when I was little. I remember laying in bed at night, being hungry. I have a snack every night before bed now. I got up and got a snack.

It was difficult going to work on Tuesday, but I just set my kids a text asking them to please fix their own breakfast because I needed to sleep in. I slept in, had some quick toast in the car, and carried on. When I walked the dog that morning, I was saying to myself "just one step at a time."

The neighbor lady noticed me dragging, and asked. I shared what happened, about the crying jag and just feeling crappy, and we chatted a bit. I felt better after that - before I wouldn't have shared, just lied.

That dark depression. I remember not wanting to live. I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted to not exist. I lived in books and make believe. I wasn't allowed fantasy, and what I read was strictly controlled by the thought police, but I had my favorites and they saved me.

I got through my childhood one day at a time. And now that I'm an adult, I can comfort that poor little child who was so brave, who didn't have anyone to help.

Today I will tell myself I am loved and accepted, so my inner child can come out and feel all those feelings, because feelings pass and its okay to feel.

Today I will do the healing work, one day at a time, knowing that my life has purpose and meaning, and that this is important work.

One day at a time I will come to realize just how important my life really is, and that I am worth it.