The loss of Sacred Text and the finding of spirituality

One of the saddest things that happened to me as a result of abuse was losing the ability to find comfort in the sacred text of my faith.

This was a direct result of the 'accusing voices' or 'critical parent' script, that told me what to believe about what I was reading once I physically got away from the abusive family and church I was a part of.

I was always able to find joy in the Psalms, however.

I have only just recently been able to return to other portions of the Word. The Gospel of John has always been a deep comfort, along with his other books. They are so mystical, so only-easily grasped by the heart and spirit, that I don't know if I ever heard a sermon on them. 

The Song of Songs was another - oh, to be loved that way, and to love! I have returned to this book over and over through the years, re-reading it over and over before key moments in my spiritual journey.

Before I became Catholic, it was all I read. Before I entered Mt. Carmel and before my first and second promise. I imagine if I am called to continue in Carmel the rest of my life, I shall return again to this masterwork of the Spirit.

With the freedom of the Spirit, I have been able to read and appreciate other spiritual traditions without fear of being hexed by the bogeyman.

I'm currently reading The Four Agreements, and I've found that its common sense take on life not only echoes but reinforces my own tradition, and give me muscular practice in spiritual change.

I find the sayings / teachings of Rumi inspiring as well.

Right now for formation I'm reading the Spiritual Canticle of St. John of the Cross. I feel like I am looking into his soul. It is his personal Song of Songs. Sometimes I almost feel carried away, out of myself. I can't read it through without entering a spiritual state.

Poetry has always spoken to me, has been there for me, and has given me a voice to express the inexpressible in my own life.

My day has been tiring. My sleep was broken multiple times, by outside forces, but I was able to surrender my sleep to my Higher Power, even surrender the inability to return to sleep, and took it as an opportunity for communion.

I'm getting better at moment by moment communion.

I subscribe to the emails of Richard Rohr, and his meditation today (by someone else) about the God particle was profoundly moving.

St. John preaches the "NADA" or the way of nothing. My ego, my will, my control, my addiction as they slowly drop off me or reveal to me my weakness, expose my nakedness, my personal expression of image and likeness, to the divine impulse.

I slowly become, I slowly return to the garden of delight, of intimate universal communion.

But I run from God, he frightens me, a creature, by his realness, and so he comes to me in the darkness, hidden living inside a body, my body and I give love to him by loving the self and together we walk hand in hand, moment by moment.

The way of nothing is the way to everything. Because without God everything is nothing, but with him, nothing is everything.

Just for today I will try to improve my conscious contact with God.

Just for today I will seek love with love.

Happy, Joyous and Free

Today I was able to help a friend.

I was tired out, emotionally spent and happy afterward, so I went to a meeting, and for the first time passed when it was time for me to comment.

I felt like I had just given her a spiritual transfusion of blood, and I needed a meeting for support while I recovered.

I was able to go to two meetings today despite being given work to do over the weekend, and having an application left to fill out for school.

I was able to do it by resting each moment as it came with my Higher Power.

The second meeting was ACA, and I had a spiritual experience there while listening to someone share a perspective about looking at the past. I'll share this because it's also in the Al-Anon literature. Looking in the past should be like looking in the rear view mirror, just occasional glances, while living in the now is like looking through the windshield.

I don't know what it was about his story, or how he shared it, but right there I just felt very strongly the presence of eternity, and how I would always be held by love. I let myself be loved right there, and I brought all my ACA friends with me.

After doing a couple hours of work from home, I wanted to keep the excitement going by attending the Al-Anon speaker at our AA anniversary meeting, but I decided not to. I recognized that I was 'going off' into drama and excitement, and that adding another meeting to the day would be overwhelming and exhausting.

So I chose to put on a silly movie, Get Smart, and washed the dishes and made a little something to eat while waiting for my husband to wake up and get dinner for us.

I watched through half of Get Smart, then I was done, and I was ready to do more work. I was able to accomplish much more than I would have ordinarily been able to do. It is such a gift to have so much head space freed up from anxiety and trauma.

It is such a gift to work hard, and see the fruit of meditation crop up during an entire day. To know the presence of God, and to just walk always seeing God. I don't feel him, but he is there. He is just a sure presence.

I mentioned my husband, well I had several choices during the day. I could have gotten upset when he was not up at the "proper time" to get us dinner when I thought he should. I didn't wake him up and I didn't say a thing.

I was able to stay away from anger and bitterness. I was able to not set myself up as god, and I was able to not set him up as god either. I just got a little snack and trusted he would be up whenever was good for him, then I say down and did more work.

I'm really quite amazed at the changes in me. I've been treating myself more gently, and have been able to treat others gently as well. I'm not faking it anymore to survive, it's a gentleness that flows out of me.

Today I will acknowledge that I am receiving the gifts of "doing the healing work."

Today I will be grateful for the ability to do that work.

Today I will enjoy being happy, joyous and free.

Fly away to detachment

It never fails that when my spouse travels, there is drama.

Since being in recovery, I now expect drama, of some sort, to come up.

The two days before the travel everything went very well. He drove off, everything was fine, he got to the airport, and all hell broke loose.

The dog had gnawed on his passport about a year and a half ago, and he has traveled with it several times, domestically and internationally.

This time, the clerk wouldn't let him through.

His phone butt dialed me multiple times, each time I picked it up, or rang him back before I got wise to the fact the phone was calling, not him, I heard key snips of the conversation.

He sent me a text message, then as I was driving to a meeting, I got the phone call. The fix me, heal me, make everything better call. He was hysterical, in a manly way, which means he was dictatorial.

I told him I was driving, but as soon as I got to the meeting I would try to find someone to take over (maybe), and then help him.

I made it there and gave him a call. He wanted me to check his email, email his travel person etc. etc. I looked up the person's phone number and sent it to him.

He rushed to the local passport office to try and get a new passport. He got a temporary passport, called his travel agent, who told him it would be a $2000 fee to change the flight, then headed back to the airport.

At the counter, the man checking him in told him that everything happens for a reason.

His original plane still hadn't taken off.

Through all of this I stayed calm. My default was calm. It passed through my head to blame him for not getting a non-chewed passport, but why?

I didn't feed into his anxiety at all. It was amazing.

I felt like oil on water, completely unruffled.

Today I will celebrate the recovery victory, and I will congratulate myself for being able to stay calm.

Today I will be grateful to my Higher Power for recovery, and for being able to carry out His will by keeping the focus on me during a stressful situation.

Today I will be glad I let myself be loved by detaching from someone else's emotions.

Detaching with Love

I went to a meeting today. My insight was that I've learned to detach from other people's emotional reactions, and to stay inside myself. I was worried about going, but I knew I needed to go, so I went anyway.

When I am thrown back to the past, which often happens in and after meetings, it is difficult to stay inside, and some reactions are still similar to the past - but I know they are happening, and they are not as extreme. This is part of the gift of awareness.

I also know how to get myself back inside myself instead of continuing to run around wounded, wondering why I'm reacting. Self-care is huge.

I can identify my emotions. I don't always like my emotions, but I'm becoming more accepting of them. When I can accept the emotion, and fully feel it, without trying to escape it, push it away or deny it, the emotion passes and I am able to say goodbye.

Goodbye to that lost dream. Or just the dream of a dream. Acceptance is the key.

When I accept what is, then it is like I wake up, and am able to see what I have. I am able to enjoy what I have. I am able to be grateful.

By feeling my feelings my headspace is freed to to focus on my stuff, the good stuff. And there is a lot of good stuff!

Going to meetings is good because it helps stir up things that would otherwise remained unresolved. It also helps me practice what I've learned.

I read the book "The New Codependency" by Melody Beattie, and I have to say I really enjoyed the chapter about how some people need meetings their entire lives, some just need them during crisis, and some go for a time and then leave.

I have to be responsible for my own well being, not handing it over to meetings or anyone else. I can take into consideration what therapists say, what other people say, and what people important to me say, but at the end of the day I am responsible for me.

Do I love me? It is difficult when the healthy ego is destroyed to develop self love but I'm doing it.

I'm letting myself be loved. By myself. By my Higher Power and by others.

When I don't have loving feelings, when I'm all tossed up inside, or have gone outside myself, I can still behave in a loving way to myself or others. I can practice the principles before personalities on me.

Today I will let myself be loved, just as I am, without judgment, without rancour and with respect, tenderness and kindness. I trust that with time I will be able to love as I am loved, and see others as I begin to see myself, with clarity, honesty and compassion.

The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love. First, friendship with myself  and my higher power by accepting my higher power's friendship, second, love for myself and my higher power by accepting my higher power's love for me.

Just for today I will let myself be loved.