Happy, Joyous and Free

Today I was able to help a friend.

I was tired out, emotionally spent and happy afterward, so I went to a meeting, and for the first time passed when it was time for me to comment.

I felt like I had just given her a spiritual transfusion of blood, and I needed a meeting for support while I recovered.

I was able to go to two meetings today despite being given work to do over the weekend, and having an application left to fill out for school.

I was able to do it by resting each moment as it came with my Higher Power.

The second meeting was ACA, and I had a spiritual experience there while listening to someone share a perspective about looking at the past. I'll share this because it's also in the Al-Anon literature. Looking in the past should be like looking in the rear view mirror, just occasional glances, while living in the now is like looking through the windshield.

I don't know what it was about his story, or how he shared it, but right there I just felt very strongly the presence of eternity, and how I would always be held by love. I let myself be loved right there, and I brought all my ACA friends with me.

After doing a couple hours of work from home, I wanted to keep the excitement going by attending the Al-Anon speaker at our AA anniversary meeting, but I decided not to. I recognized that I was 'going off' into drama and excitement, and that adding another meeting to the day would be overwhelming and exhausting.

So I chose to put on a silly movie, Get Smart, and washed the dishes and made a little something to eat while waiting for my husband to wake up and get dinner for us.

I watched through half of Get Smart, then I was done, and I was ready to do more work. I was able to accomplish much more than I would have ordinarily been able to do. It is such a gift to have so much head space freed up from anxiety and trauma.

It is such a gift to work hard, and see the fruit of meditation crop up during an entire day. To know the presence of God, and to just walk always seeing God. I don't feel him, but he is there. He is just a sure presence.

I mentioned my husband, well I had several choices during the day. I could have gotten upset when he was not up at the "proper time" to get us dinner when I thought he should. I didn't wake him up and I didn't say a thing.

I was able to stay away from anger and bitterness. I was able to not set myself up as god, and I was able to not set him up as god either. I just got a little snack and trusted he would be up whenever was good for him, then I say down and did more work.

I'm really quite amazed at the changes in me. I've been treating myself more gently, and have been able to treat others gently as well. I'm not faking it anymore to survive, it's a gentleness that flows out of me.

Today I will acknowledge that I am receiving the gifts of "doing the healing work."

Today I will be grateful for the ability to do that work.

Today I will enjoy being happy, joyous and free.

One Day At A Time

I should have expected this. I did so well with parents and husband traveling. Now I'm puddling into relief with everything back to normal-ish

And experiencing that depressing dark aftermath of the parental visit. I feel like so much came up the Monday after.

My eldest shared that the social life is not enough. Although surrounded by people at school, the loss of a tight knit community is just now setting in.

This just devastated me, although I was able to stay calm at the time and offer some suggestions for 'one thing' changes. (Ask some x, ask someone y, try this etc.)

I was catapulted back to my own childhood, where I was always in a class filled with kids 2-3 years older than I. Was it an ego thing? Were they proud I was several grades ahead? I did not feel comfortable. I didn't have friends. The kids older than me were resentful of me being in their grade, and emotionally I was not ready to be with teens.

One episode in particular I remember I was at a party, and feeling uncomfortable as usual (looking back, who wouldn't have felt that way when all the kids were older?), I climbed a tree. Everyone started shooting at me with squirt guns. I laughed at first, because that was my stress response, but when they didn't stop I began to cry. A parent came out to check out the noise, and it stopped, and one boy did apologize on his own, without prompting, over and over. He probably had a crush on me.

Re-feeling all that was terrible. My mother was coming to get me. They called her to come early. I did not feel like she wanted to. I did not feel comforted. I curled up in a ball by myself on the back seat. I went to my room and read when I got home.

I had to go back to the class the next week and be around all of them as well. Such is life, even at public school.

My clothes were always different, because I was younger and stick thin. At one point my grandparents thought I was anorexic. What I ate was one of the few things I could control, and I did it with a vengeance. My sibling directly under me was also shockingly underweight. Health food was the be all end all. We looked disturbingly unhealthy for eating so healthy. I probably could have eaten cardboard if necessary.

I remembered being hungry at night. I didn't feel good, so I didn't eat as much Monday, so early Monday morning I woke up and cried for two hours, just feeling all that darkness, sadness and void. It petered out and I was able to go back to sleep. The rosary has been my lifeline when the crying and grieving is coming to the point of overwhelming/unhealthy, I'm able to direct myself back with the meditation and repetitive prayers.

The sorrowful mysteries took on new meaning for me. I wasn't able to pray them much, because the feelings were so sad, but now I'm stronger and those mysteries help when feeling the feelings.

I remembered the feeling of waking up at night, being depressed, not being able to go back to sleep I was so hungry when I was little. I remember laying in bed at night, being hungry. I have a snack every night before bed now. I got up and got a snack.

It was difficult going to work on Tuesday, but I just set my kids a text asking them to please fix their own breakfast because I needed to sleep in. I slept in, had some quick toast in the car, and carried on. When I walked the dog that morning, I was saying to myself "just one step at a time."

The neighbor lady noticed me dragging, and asked. I shared what happened, about the crying jag and just feeling crappy, and we chatted a bit. I felt better after that - before I wouldn't have shared, just lied.

That dark depression. I remember not wanting to live. I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted to not exist. I lived in books and make believe. I wasn't allowed fantasy, and what I read was strictly controlled by the thought police, but I had my favorites and they saved me.

I got through my childhood one day at a time. And now that I'm an adult, I can comfort that poor little child who was so brave, who didn't have anyone to help.

Today I will tell myself I am loved and accepted, so my inner child can come out and feel all those feelings, because feelings pass and its okay to feel.

Today I will do the healing work, one day at a time, knowing that my life has purpose and meaning, and that this is important work.

One day at a time I will come to realize just how important my life really is, and that I am worth it.

Dancing to Ella and Louis with the rain

This is one of those perfect moments after a a one minute at a time day.

Dancing in my cleaned up living room to Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald, to the sound of steady rain outside.

I can dance in it because I can see the floor. It now looks like my bedroom. Only beautiful, inspiring things. No paper clutter, no random junk, no trash and no spouse. I would prefer to have the spouse back, but he is just traveling.

Its filled with our rock collection, artfully displayed (still in progress), pictures the kids drew at various periods, my paintings, and some other artwork.

I took down a lot of the religious pieces. They were somber colors, tired and old looking, because they are old. I love the ancient, time traveled pieces, but now is now. I will pop them in my closet and smile. Maybe eventually they will be recycled for someone else to love.

Right now, I will just dance - I hope you are in a place where you can dance, with yourself, to whatever music strikes your fancy. Some nights are just dancing nights.

Just for tonight, I will dance. 

It doesn't matter what tomorrow holds, yesterday is gone, now is the time to love, live, laugh, dream and DANCE!

"For all that has been, thanks, for all that will be YES." - Dag Hammarskjold.

Detaching with Love

I went to a meeting today. My insight was that I've learned to detach from other people's emotional reactions, and to stay inside myself. I was worried about going, but I knew I needed to go, so I went anyway.

When I am thrown back to the past, which often happens in and after meetings, it is difficult to stay inside, and some reactions are still similar to the past - but I know they are happening, and they are not as extreme. This is part of the gift of awareness.

I also know how to get myself back inside myself instead of continuing to run around wounded, wondering why I'm reacting. Self-care is huge.

I can identify my emotions. I don't always like my emotions, but I'm becoming more accepting of them. When I can accept the emotion, and fully feel it, without trying to escape it, push it away or deny it, the emotion passes and I am able to say goodbye.

Goodbye to that lost dream. Or just the dream of a dream. Acceptance is the key.

When I accept what is, then it is like I wake up, and am able to see what I have. I am able to enjoy what I have. I am able to be grateful.

By feeling my feelings my headspace is freed to to focus on my stuff, the good stuff. And there is a lot of good stuff!

Going to meetings is good because it helps stir up things that would otherwise remained unresolved. It also helps me practice what I've learned.

I read the book "The New Codependency" by Melody Beattie, and I have to say I really enjoyed the chapter about how some people need meetings their entire lives, some just need them during crisis, and some go for a time and then leave.

I have to be responsible for my own well being, not handing it over to meetings or anyone else. I can take into consideration what therapists say, what other people say, and what people important to me say, but at the end of the day I am responsible for me.

Do I love me? It is difficult when the healthy ego is destroyed to develop self love but I'm doing it.

I'm letting myself be loved. By myself. By my Higher Power and by others.

When I don't have loving feelings, when I'm all tossed up inside, or have gone outside myself, I can still behave in a loving way to myself or others. I can practice the principles before personalities on me.

Today I will let myself be loved, just as I am, without judgment, without rancour and with respect, tenderness and kindness. I trust that with time I will be able to love as I am loved, and see others as I begin to see myself, with clarity, honesty and compassion.

The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love. First, friendship with myself  and my higher power by accepting my higher power's friendship, second, love for myself and my higher power by accepting my higher power's love for me.

Just for today I will let myself be loved.