Today I was able to help a friend.
I was tired out, emotionally spent and happy afterward, so I went to a meeting, and for the first time passed when it was time for me to comment.
I felt like I had just given her a spiritual transfusion of blood, and I needed a meeting for support while I recovered.
I was able to go to two meetings today despite being given work to do over the weekend, and having an application left to fill out for school.
I was able to do it by resting each moment as it came with my Higher Power.
The second meeting was ACA, and I had a spiritual experience there while listening to someone share a perspective about looking at the past. I'll share this because it's also in the Al-Anon literature. Looking in the past should be like looking in the rear view mirror, just occasional glances, while living in the now is like looking through the windshield.
I don't know what it was about his story, or how he shared it, but right there I just felt very strongly the presence of eternity, and how I would always be held by love. I let myself be loved right there, and I brought all my ACA friends with me.
After doing a couple hours of work from home, I wanted to keep the excitement going by attending the Al-Anon speaker at our AA anniversary meeting, but I decided not to. I recognized that I was 'going off' into drama and excitement, and that adding another meeting to the day would be overwhelming and exhausting.
So I chose to put on a silly movie, Get Smart, and washed the dishes and made a little something to eat while waiting for my husband to wake up and get dinner for us.
I watched through half of Get Smart, then I was done, and I was ready to do more work. I was able to accomplish much more than I would have ordinarily been able to do. It is such a gift to have so much head space freed up from anxiety and trauma.
It is such a gift to work hard, and see the fruit of meditation crop up during an entire day. To know the presence of God, and to just walk always seeing God. I don't feel him, but he is there. He is just a sure presence.
I mentioned my husband, well I had several choices during the day. I could have gotten upset when he was not up at the "proper time" to get us dinner when I thought he should. I didn't wake him up and I didn't say a thing.
I was able to stay away from anger and bitterness. I was able to not set myself up as god, and I was able to not set him up as god either. I just got a little snack and trusted he would be up whenever was good for him, then I say down and did more work.
I'm really quite amazed at the changes in me. I've been treating myself more gently, and have been able to treat others gently as well. I'm not faking it anymore to survive, it's a gentleness that flows out of me.
Today I will acknowledge that I am receiving the gifts of "doing the healing work."
Today I will be grateful for the ability to do that work.
Today I will enjoy being happy, joyous and free.
Saturday, September 29, 2018
Friday, September 28, 2018
Just For Today
Getting up in the morning can be hard, but I have a few tricks now that make it easier on me.
I wake up to a beautiful harp song in the morning, and I stay in bed until it is over.
I get up after its finished, do what I have to do, then head back to bed where I feel warm & cozy and have meditation time.
During the day I try to stay present. Here are some things I do when I get stressed out and begin to "go off" into my freeze response (pretty much my default), anxiety or any other emotion.
1. Put my hand over my heart.
2. Lightly stomp my feet on the floor.
3. Focus on a distant object, like a tree.
4. 60 second meditation, eyes shut, count backward from 60.
5. Take a quick walk - around the office, to get coffee, bathroom break or around the block.
6. Look up at the sky and just breathe.
7. Repeat something beautiful - poetry, music, sacred scriptures, or affirmations.
8. Read something.
9. Check in with Facebook - only works if you're following positive people!
10. Say out loud what I see (this is new!)
11. Follow the five senses. (this is new!)
12. Say the "right now" Serenity prayer.
13. Do the next tiny thing - one click on the computer, one paper, one word, one hand movement.
14. Stand up (I have a stand up desk).
15. Stare at the background picture on my computer screen (something beautiful).
16. Listen to my heart beat.
17. Hold my own hand.
18. Touch or hold a stuffed animal.
19. Water plants.
20. Put on hand lotion.
21. Make some tea & drink it.
22. Listen to music.
23. Listen to nature sounds.
24. Put on the headphones.
25. Stretch.
26. Do a few simple and gentle exercises.
27. Just FEEL whatever emotion is present for five seconds. Repeat if necessary. Do it for longer if necessary, always counting backwards.
For bedtime I have a gentle routine as well. Since having to deal with my trauma, fear of the dark came back to me.
Now I take it very easy. I leave two lights on, shower, read, and make sure I eat something before bed. I dress for bed in something I like, that is comfortable, colorful and feels good.
I leave one light on and do some reading, journaling or praying.
I have remote controlled candles, and I lay there with the candles and my stuffed bear until I either go to sleep (timer on the candles) or I'm ready to turn them off.
It feels strange being gentle with myself, when for so long I have been abrupt and impatient.
But that abruptness and impatience is a result of internalizing the family dysfunction.
To prevent you being hard on me, I will be so hard on myself I will be perfect, and I will never have to feel the pain of abandonment and rejection.
To fix you, I will be perfect. To fix me, you will treat me harshly. Because it's my fault you aren't perfect, and it's my fault I'm not perfect. Little children are given such harsh burdens, and in innocence they are carried.
Perfectionism is so painful. It feels wrong to be human, to make mistakes, to realize I am still and will continue to still learn how to be human. But being human is what I was made to do, it is God's will for me. It is okay to be human. I like it.
Just for today I will accept myself as human. I will accept it is okay to feel the feelings life evokes, to make mistakes and to keep getting up when I fall.
The only thing more terrifying than falling, is continuing to wallow in the mud and say "I can't get up, it's too hard! It's you're fault!" That's how this started in the first place.
It's hard getting up from the victim role, but it is so worth it.
Just for today, I will live through this day only, and not try to tackle all my problems at once.
Just for today, I will ask first, instead of trying to figure out what I need to do.
Just for today, I will be happy, joyous and free, dancing with my Higher Power.
Just for today, I will carry the light yoke and easy burden.
Just for today, I will let myself be loved.
I wake up to a beautiful harp song in the morning, and I stay in bed until it is over.
I get up after its finished, do what I have to do, then head back to bed where I feel warm & cozy and have meditation time.
During the day I try to stay present. Here are some things I do when I get stressed out and begin to "go off" into my freeze response (pretty much my default), anxiety or any other emotion.
1. Put my hand over my heart.
2. Lightly stomp my feet on the floor.
3. Focus on a distant object, like a tree.
4. 60 second meditation, eyes shut, count backward from 60.
5. Take a quick walk - around the office, to get coffee, bathroom break or around the block.
6. Look up at the sky and just breathe.
7. Repeat something beautiful - poetry, music, sacred scriptures, or affirmations.
8. Read something.
9. Check in with Facebook - only works if you're following positive people!
10. Say out loud what I see (this is new!)
11. Follow the five senses. (this is new!)
12. Say the "right now" Serenity prayer.
13. Do the next tiny thing - one click on the computer, one paper, one word, one hand movement.
14. Stand up (I have a stand up desk).
15. Stare at the background picture on my computer screen (something beautiful).
16. Listen to my heart beat.
17. Hold my own hand.
18. Touch or hold a stuffed animal.
19. Water plants.
20. Put on hand lotion.
21. Make some tea & drink it.
22. Listen to music.
23. Listen to nature sounds.
24. Put on the headphones.
25. Stretch.
26. Do a few simple and gentle exercises.
27. Just FEEL whatever emotion is present for five seconds. Repeat if necessary. Do it for longer if necessary, always counting backwards.
For bedtime I have a gentle routine as well. Since having to deal with my trauma, fear of the dark came back to me.
Now I take it very easy. I leave two lights on, shower, read, and make sure I eat something before bed. I dress for bed in something I like, that is comfortable, colorful and feels good.
I leave one light on and do some reading, journaling or praying.
I have remote controlled candles, and I lay there with the candles and my stuffed bear until I either go to sleep (timer on the candles) or I'm ready to turn them off.
It feels strange being gentle with myself, when for so long I have been abrupt and impatient.
But that abruptness and impatience is a result of internalizing the family dysfunction.
To prevent you being hard on me, I will be so hard on myself I will be perfect, and I will never have to feel the pain of abandonment and rejection.
To fix you, I will be perfect. To fix me, you will treat me harshly. Because it's my fault you aren't perfect, and it's my fault I'm not perfect. Little children are given such harsh burdens, and in innocence they are carried.
Perfectionism is so painful. It feels wrong to be human, to make mistakes, to realize I am still and will continue to still learn how to be human. But being human is what I was made to do, it is God's will for me. It is okay to be human. I like it.
Just for today I will accept myself as human. I will accept it is okay to feel the feelings life evokes, to make mistakes and to keep getting up when I fall.
The only thing more terrifying than falling, is continuing to wallow in the mud and say "I can't get up, it's too hard! It's you're fault!" That's how this started in the first place.
It's hard getting up from the victim role, but it is so worth it.
Just for today, I will live through this day only, and not try to tackle all my problems at once.
Just for today, I will ask first, instead of trying to figure out what I need to do.
Just for today, I will be happy, joyous and free, dancing with my Higher Power.
Just for today, I will carry the light yoke and easy burden.
Just for today, I will let myself be loved.
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
One Day At A Time
I should have expected this. I did so well with parents and husband traveling. Now I'm puddling into relief with everything back to normal-ish
And experiencing that depressing dark aftermath of the parental visit. I feel like so much came up the Monday after.
My eldest shared that the social life is not enough. Although surrounded by people at school, the loss of a tight knit community is just now setting in.
This just devastated me, although I was able to stay calm at the time and offer some suggestions for 'one thing' changes. (Ask some x, ask someone y, try this etc.)
I was catapulted back to my own childhood, where I was always in a class filled with kids 2-3 years older than I. Was it an ego thing? Were they proud I was several grades ahead? I did not feel comfortable. I didn't have friends. The kids older than me were resentful of me being in their grade, and emotionally I was not ready to be with teens.
One episode in particular I remember I was at a party, and feeling uncomfortable as usual (looking back, who wouldn't have felt that way when all the kids were older?), I climbed a tree. Everyone started shooting at me with squirt guns. I laughed at first, because that was my stress response, but when they didn't stop I began to cry. A parent came out to check out the noise, and it stopped, and one boy did apologize on his own, without prompting, over and over. He probably had a crush on me.
Re-feeling all that was terrible. My mother was coming to get me. They called her to come early. I did not feel like she wanted to. I did not feel comforted. I curled up in a ball by myself on the back seat. I went to my room and read when I got home.
I had to go back to the class the next week and be around all of them as well. Such is life, even at public school.
My clothes were always different, because I was younger and stick thin. At one point my grandparents thought I was anorexic. What I ate was one of the few things I could control, and I did it with a vengeance. My sibling directly under me was also shockingly underweight. Health food was the be all end all. We looked disturbingly unhealthy for eating so healthy. I probably could have eaten cardboard if necessary.
I remembered being hungry at night. I didn't feel good, so I didn't eat as much Monday, so early Monday morning I woke up and cried for two hours, just feeling all that darkness, sadness and void. It petered out and I was able to go back to sleep. The rosary has been my lifeline when the crying and grieving is coming to the point of overwhelming/unhealthy, I'm able to direct myself back with the meditation and repetitive prayers.
The sorrowful mysteries took on new meaning for me. I wasn't able to pray them much, because the feelings were so sad, but now I'm stronger and those mysteries help when feeling the feelings.
I remembered the feeling of waking up at night, being depressed, not being able to go back to sleep I was so hungry when I was little. I remember laying in bed at night, being hungry. I have a snack every night before bed now. I got up and got a snack.
It was difficult going to work on Tuesday, but I just set my kids a text asking them to please fix their own breakfast because I needed to sleep in. I slept in, had some quick toast in the car, and carried on. When I walked the dog that morning, I was saying to myself "just one step at a time."
The neighbor lady noticed me dragging, and asked. I shared what happened, about the crying jag and just feeling crappy, and we chatted a bit. I felt better after that - before I wouldn't have shared, just lied.
That dark depression. I remember not wanting to live. I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted to not exist. I lived in books and make believe. I wasn't allowed fantasy, and what I read was strictly controlled by the thought police, but I had my favorites and they saved me.
I got through my childhood one day at a time. And now that I'm an adult, I can comfort that poor little child who was so brave, who didn't have anyone to help.
Today I will tell myself I am loved and accepted, so my inner child can come out and feel all those feelings, because feelings pass and its okay to feel.
Today I will do the healing work, one day at a time, knowing that my life has purpose and meaning, and that this is important work.
One day at a time I will come to realize just how important my life really is, and that I am worth it.
And experiencing that depressing dark aftermath of the parental visit. I feel like so much came up the Monday after.
My eldest shared that the social life is not enough. Although surrounded by people at school, the loss of a tight knit community is just now setting in.
This just devastated me, although I was able to stay calm at the time and offer some suggestions for 'one thing' changes. (Ask some x, ask someone y, try this etc.)
I was catapulted back to my own childhood, where I was always in a class filled with kids 2-3 years older than I. Was it an ego thing? Were they proud I was several grades ahead? I did not feel comfortable. I didn't have friends. The kids older than me were resentful of me being in their grade, and emotionally I was not ready to be with teens.
One episode in particular I remember I was at a party, and feeling uncomfortable as usual (looking back, who wouldn't have felt that way when all the kids were older?), I climbed a tree. Everyone started shooting at me with squirt guns. I laughed at first, because that was my stress response, but when they didn't stop I began to cry. A parent came out to check out the noise, and it stopped, and one boy did apologize on his own, without prompting, over and over. He probably had a crush on me.
Re-feeling all that was terrible. My mother was coming to get me. They called her to come early. I did not feel like she wanted to. I did not feel comforted. I curled up in a ball by myself on the back seat. I went to my room and read when I got home.
I had to go back to the class the next week and be around all of them as well. Such is life, even at public school.
My clothes were always different, because I was younger and stick thin. At one point my grandparents thought I was anorexic. What I ate was one of the few things I could control, and I did it with a vengeance. My sibling directly under me was also shockingly underweight. Health food was the be all end all. We looked disturbingly unhealthy for eating so healthy. I probably could have eaten cardboard if necessary.
I remembered being hungry at night. I didn't feel good, so I didn't eat as much Monday, so early Monday morning I woke up and cried for two hours, just feeling all that darkness, sadness and void. It petered out and I was able to go back to sleep. The rosary has been my lifeline when the crying and grieving is coming to the point of overwhelming/unhealthy, I'm able to direct myself back with the meditation and repetitive prayers.
The sorrowful mysteries took on new meaning for me. I wasn't able to pray them much, because the feelings were so sad, but now I'm stronger and those mysteries help when feeling the feelings.
I remembered the feeling of waking up at night, being depressed, not being able to go back to sleep I was so hungry when I was little. I remember laying in bed at night, being hungry. I have a snack every night before bed now. I got up and got a snack.
It was difficult going to work on Tuesday, but I just set my kids a text asking them to please fix their own breakfast because I needed to sleep in. I slept in, had some quick toast in the car, and carried on. When I walked the dog that morning, I was saying to myself "just one step at a time."
The neighbor lady noticed me dragging, and asked. I shared what happened, about the crying jag and just feeling crappy, and we chatted a bit. I felt better after that - before I wouldn't have shared, just lied.
That dark depression. I remember not wanting to live. I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted to not exist. I lived in books and make believe. I wasn't allowed fantasy, and what I read was strictly controlled by the thought police, but I had my favorites and they saved me.
I got through my childhood one day at a time. And now that I'm an adult, I can comfort that poor little child who was so brave, who didn't have anyone to help.
Today I will tell myself I am loved and accepted, so my inner child can come out and feel all those feelings, because feelings pass and its okay to feel.
Today I will do the healing work, one day at a time, knowing that my life has purpose and meaning, and that this is important work.
One day at a time I will come to realize just how important my life really is, and that I am worth it.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
It's not about me
My parents visited to be at my child's school event.
The build up to the visit had an under current of anxiety for one week ahead, beginning with an awareness of impending anxiety 2 weeks in advance, which was an improvement from the stark terror it had been for the previous visits since therapy.
The stark terror was an improvement from the denial/disocciative state in which I worked myself up for a month in advance and fell into a depressive state afterwards for several weeks, depending on length of stay etc. etc.
Since being able to name the disease and the cause of the emotions, and after work through so many of the emotions, repressed into the mists of mind-time, the visit as it was happening did not have the same effect as it has in the past.
I am in awe at the power of healing old wounds. It is truly phenomenal.
My catch phrase for the day was "where's your feet?" Several times before their arrival I caught myself floating off, but gently brought myself back to the present with some affirmations.
I am an adult. I am no longer a child. I am in control. I will do what is best for me. I am in my own house. I can leave at any time if I am uncomfortable. My Higher Power is with me and will guide me. My Higher Power has always been with me and will always be with me. It's not about me. It's them.
I even rode with them in their car to lunch and around town. I have not have been able to do that before. I was a little surprised myself, but each time I put my hand over my heart and asked myself, how are you doing? What do you want to do? Each time the answer I received was "I'm okay with doing this."
As we sat there eating lunch, some things were said and topics elaborated on that would have in the past made me feel like I had to fix something. I reminded myself that it was not about me. I was able to listen without judgment, and feel my own feelings, but let them pass.
Their method of communication is let's ignore who is right in front of us and talk about who is not here. Or, let's make this a conversation all about us. It hurts. That's their problem and it is an awesomely terrible problem. I have to be very careful to not be their therapist. That's not my job. It is not up to me to fix them, if they need help they can get it. I only have to take care of myself.
It still hurts to feel my child feel rejected, to feel like they don't care BUT it's not about me. And I don't have to fix anything for my child either. My children are intelligent, and can see what is going on, and draw their own conclusions. I don't have to foist my interpretation of what is going on onto them. God, it is so freeing! We can talk about it if necessary.
I was ready for them to go by dinner time. I could feel my boundaries getting a little stepped on and weakening with hunger. My empath sensitivities were tired of dealing with the projections and were weakening with contact. I just didn't want to do it any more, and that was okay!
God, it was good to see them go. All I could think as I saw them off for the final time that night was relief that 1) I don't have to be around them all that much and 2) I'm an adult. I'm an adult! I have a job! I no longer have to rely upon them to live!
What a gift to be able to be moving to interdependence (as opposed to dependence/independence) and to be able to create my own reality of health. This is the gift of recovery, of self- awareness, of the first three steps.
Did I mention that I felt like myself the whole time? I did not slip into the mask even once. Miracles happen.
My boundaries remained intact. I am a little sad to think that my parents require the same boundaries as the people at work. I have accepted it, but it still hurts a little.
But you know what? It doesn't hurt as much as it did when I tried to fit them into my expectations of how parents should be. That hurt so much more. So. much. more.
I've completed my 8th step, and you know what I finally was able to put on it about my parents for amends? That I never accepted them as they truly are. I kept trying to fit them into who I wanted them to be.
I feel like I made amends by beginning to create a new relationship with them based on acceptance, and healthy boundaries. 9th step, whoa.
I feel like I am beginning amends to myself for all the times I felt like I had to force myself to be around people or do things that terrified me. This is an ongoing 9th step.
I lived a long time repressing every emotion. Thank God my childhood emotional outlet was positive, and helped me escape the trauma instead of re-traumatize myself. I can't believe I was able to live so long in denial. Wow, it was so exhausting.
I am the heroine in my own story.
What they do or say - it's not about me.
God grant me the serenity to always be myself, and to accept my parents as they are, and not as I think they should be.
God grant me the serenity to accept myself as I am, and to not push myself to do things when I am terrified or frightened, but to give myself time and space for healing.
God, grant me the serenity to accept that the time of forcing myself is over. That I can now live in the ease and flow of the Spirit of Peace.
God, grant me the serenity, to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me - ACA serenity prayer
The build up to the visit had an under current of anxiety for one week ahead, beginning with an awareness of impending anxiety 2 weeks in advance, which was an improvement from the stark terror it had been for the previous visits since therapy.
The stark terror was an improvement from the denial/disocciative state in which I worked myself up for a month in advance and fell into a depressive state afterwards for several weeks, depending on length of stay etc. etc.
Since being able to name the disease and the cause of the emotions, and after work through so many of the emotions, repressed into the mists of mind-time, the visit as it was happening did not have the same effect as it has in the past.
I am in awe at the power of healing old wounds. It is truly phenomenal.
My catch phrase for the day was "where's your feet?" Several times before their arrival I caught myself floating off, but gently brought myself back to the present with some affirmations.
I am an adult. I am no longer a child. I am in control. I will do what is best for me. I am in my own house. I can leave at any time if I am uncomfortable. My Higher Power is with me and will guide me. My Higher Power has always been with me and will always be with me. It's not about me. It's them.
I even rode with them in their car to lunch and around town. I have not have been able to do that before. I was a little surprised myself, but each time I put my hand over my heart and asked myself, how are you doing? What do you want to do? Each time the answer I received was "I'm okay with doing this."
As we sat there eating lunch, some things were said and topics elaborated on that would have in the past made me feel like I had to fix something. I reminded myself that it was not about me. I was able to listen without judgment, and feel my own feelings, but let them pass.
Their method of communication is let's ignore who is right in front of us and talk about who is not here. Or, let's make this a conversation all about us. It hurts. That's their problem and it is an awesomely terrible problem. I have to be very careful to not be their therapist. That's not my job. It is not up to me to fix them, if they need help they can get it. I only have to take care of myself.
I was ready for them to go by dinner time. I could feel my boundaries getting a little stepped on and weakening with hunger. My empath sensitivities were tired of dealing with the projections and were weakening with contact. I just didn't want to do it any more, and that was okay!
God, it was good to see them go. All I could think as I saw them off for the final time that night was relief that 1) I don't have to be around them all that much and 2) I'm an adult. I'm an adult! I have a job! I no longer have to rely upon them to live!
What a gift to be able to be moving to interdependence (as opposed to dependence/independence) and to be able to create my own reality of health. This is the gift of recovery, of self- awareness, of the first three steps.
Did I mention that I felt like myself the whole time? I did not slip into the mask even once. Miracles happen.
My boundaries remained intact. I am a little sad to think that my parents require the same boundaries as the people at work. I have accepted it, but it still hurts a little.
But you know what? It doesn't hurt as much as it did when I tried to fit them into my expectations of how parents should be. That hurt so much more. So. much. more.
I've completed my 8th step, and you know what I finally was able to put on it about my parents for amends? That I never accepted them as they truly are. I kept trying to fit them into who I wanted them to be.
I feel like I made amends by beginning to create a new relationship with them based on acceptance, and healthy boundaries. 9th step, whoa.
I feel like I am beginning amends to myself for all the times I felt like I had to force myself to be around people or do things that terrified me. This is an ongoing 9th step.
I lived a long time repressing every emotion. Thank God my childhood emotional outlet was positive, and helped me escape the trauma instead of re-traumatize myself. I can't believe I was able to live so long in denial. Wow, it was so exhausting.
I am the heroine in my own story.
What they do or say - it's not about me.
God grant me the serenity to always be myself, and to accept my parents as they are, and not as I think they should be.
God grant me the serenity to accept myself as I am, and to not push myself to do things when I am terrified or frightened, but to give myself time and space for healing.
God, grant me the serenity to accept that the time of forcing myself is over. That I can now live in the ease and flow of the Spirit of Peace.
God, grant me the serenity, to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me - ACA serenity prayer
Friday, September 21, 2018
Dancing to Ella and Louis with the rain
This is one of those perfect moments after a a one minute at a time day.
Dancing in my cleaned up living room to Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald, to the sound of steady rain outside.
I can dance in it because I can see the floor. It now looks like my bedroom. Only beautiful, inspiring things. No paper clutter, no random junk, no trash and no spouse. I would prefer to have the spouse back, but he is just traveling.
Its filled with our rock collection, artfully displayed (still in progress), pictures the kids drew at various periods, my paintings, and some other artwork.
I took down a lot of the religious pieces. They were somber colors, tired and old looking, because they are old. I love the ancient, time traveled pieces, but now is now. I will pop them in my closet and smile. Maybe eventually they will be recycled for someone else to love.
Right now, I will just dance - I hope you are in a place where you can dance, with yourself, to whatever music strikes your fancy. Some nights are just dancing nights.
Just for tonight, I will dance.
It doesn't matter what tomorrow holds, yesterday is gone, now is the time to love, live, laugh, dream and DANCE!
"For all that has been, thanks, for all that will be YES." - Dag Hammarskjold.
Dancing in my cleaned up living room to Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald, to the sound of steady rain outside.
I can dance in it because I can see the floor. It now looks like my bedroom. Only beautiful, inspiring things. No paper clutter, no random junk, no trash and no spouse. I would prefer to have the spouse back, but he is just traveling.
Its filled with our rock collection, artfully displayed (still in progress), pictures the kids drew at various periods, my paintings, and some other artwork.
I took down a lot of the religious pieces. They were somber colors, tired and old looking, because they are old. I love the ancient, time traveled pieces, but now is now. I will pop them in my closet and smile. Maybe eventually they will be recycled for someone else to love.
Right now, I will just dance - I hope you are in a place where you can dance, with yourself, to whatever music strikes your fancy. Some nights are just dancing nights.
Just for tonight, I will dance.
It doesn't matter what tomorrow holds, yesterday is gone, now is the time to love, live, laugh, dream and DANCE!
"For all that has been, thanks, for all that will be YES." - Dag Hammarskjold.
Thursday, September 20, 2018
The Narcissistic Void and God
I was just reading my twitter feed when I saw a tweet that talked about the Narcissistic void.
In Catholicism the new take on the 'sin' of Adam and Eve is not that they became dirty, evil and deprave. It was that something that was there before, was lost, and that was the real, intimate and internal contact with God within. Or, as it is called 'original grace.' The dirt came gradually after that as a natural impact from something beautiful missing.
That sounds kind of like the narcissistic void.
I feel extraordinarily lucky to have been able to find my Higher Power by not losing Him, so to speak. He has been there for me all my life. Bad things happened to me, but I was given the gift of retaining the faith in my Higher Power.
Was that faith accurate at all times? Hell no. Probably still isn't. But I was able to talk to Him as a friend, a confidant. For a long time He was all I had.
When I entered 12 step, I was able to take a good look at what attributes my Higher Power held, and I was able to see that I had put on Him some of the negative qualities of my parents. I was saddened by this, but really, it is quite normal. Instead of dwelling with the sad, I moved on to grateful for the awareness.
The sad comes and goes, but that is my normal, and a different topic.
Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you - St. Augustine.
I think that space within me always hoped to find a God of my understanding, kind of hoping he wasn't like my parents. And He wasn't.
By having that relationship with my Higher Power, my heart is stilled and that 'hole' feels less empty. Slowly I'm able to let him in to the broken places, by feeling all the feelings I am sent. By accepting myself as I am in each moment, I find God.
After all, its not about the narcissist. It's about me and my recovery.
Acceptance is the key to all my problems.
In Catholicism the new take on the 'sin' of Adam and Eve is not that they became dirty, evil and deprave. It was that something that was there before, was lost, and that was the real, intimate and internal contact with God within. Or, as it is called 'original grace.' The dirt came gradually after that as a natural impact from something beautiful missing.
That sounds kind of like the narcissistic void.
I feel extraordinarily lucky to have been able to find my Higher Power by not losing Him, so to speak. He has been there for me all my life. Bad things happened to me, but I was given the gift of retaining the faith in my Higher Power.
Was that faith accurate at all times? Hell no. Probably still isn't. But I was able to talk to Him as a friend, a confidant. For a long time He was all I had.
When I entered 12 step, I was able to take a good look at what attributes my Higher Power held, and I was able to see that I had put on Him some of the negative qualities of my parents. I was saddened by this, but really, it is quite normal. Instead of dwelling with the sad, I moved on to grateful for the awareness.
The sad comes and goes, but that is my normal, and a different topic.
Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you - St. Augustine.
I think that space within me always hoped to find a God of my understanding, kind of hoping he wasn't like my parents. And He wasn't.
By having that relationship with my Higher Power, my heart is stilled and that 'hole' feels less empty. Slowly I'm able to let him in to the broken places, by feeling all the feelings I am sent. By accepting myself as I am in each moment, I find God.
After all, its not about the narcissist. It's about me and my recovery.
Acceptance is the key to all my problems.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Live and let live
I am grateful today for a flexible work schedule.
I'm exhausted because I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned.
One of my kids had an appointment, and on impulse I asked to make an appointment.
I haven't gone in a year, and I have two cavities that need to be taken care of. Their next opening was at one this afternoon. Hooray?
Now, you wouldn't be able to tell by how I interact with them when I feel comfortable, but I am terrified of the dentist due to how one treated me in my past. Now I only go to female dentists or non-white male dentists. I know myself, and now I just work with what I have and go with it instead of trying to power through my feelings.
Just about everyone has a problem of some sort with the dentist. It's normal. I mean, really, who wants to go to the dentist?
For the first time, after that teeth cleaning, I actually wanted to go back and get my fillings. And it was because I had listened to myself and what I needed. I will ask for nitrous at the tooth filling appointment. I've heard it works great.
Just for today I will 'live and let live' by listening to myself and what I need instead of forcing solutions on myself. I will live, and I will let myself live.
I'm exhausted because I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned.
One of my kids had an appointment, and on impulse I asked to make an appointment.
I haven't gone in a year, and I have two cavities that need to be taken care of. Their next opening was at one this afternoon. Hooray?
Now, you wouldn't be able to tell by how I interact with them when I feel comfortable, but I am terrified of the dentist due to how one treated me in my past. Now I only go to female dentists or non-white male dentists. I know myself, and now I just work with what I have and go with it instead of trying to power through my feelings.
Just about everyone has a problem of some sort with the dentist. It's normal. I mean, really, who wants to go to the dentist?
For the first time, after that teeth cleaning, I actually wanted to go back and get my fillings. And it was because I had listened to myself and what I needed. I will ask for nitrous at the tooth filling appointment. I've heard it works great.
Just for today I will 'live and let live' by listening to myself and what I need instead of forcing solutions on myself. I will live, and I will let myself live.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Exhausted - Take it Easy
Today I put my hand over my heart, and the feeling I got back was exhausted.
I laid in bed 30 extra minutes.
After I was able to get moving, I did feel more energetic and was able to make it into work. I actually did well until I got back home, where I did 30 minutes of meditation which got me back to exhausted and collapsed again. I'm so used to running on fumes, rushing, rushing.
I'm finishing up 90210. It is not a blast from the past because it is the second one.
I do remember when the original came out. That was one of the shows that was off limits. Having only one TV in the house helped.
Even if I did have time, I probably wouldn't have watched it. I ran for years. Like I told the counselor, I was addicted to success. It was my way out. My idea of perfection was my way out.
I've let perfect go. I'm letting my idea of success go.
I was lucky, and I'm still lucky. I feel grateful.
Today I will take it easy. I've been running for a long time. It's hard to learn how to walk again, but I am doing it, one day at a time. I am grateful for the gift of recovery, friendship and fellowship.
I laid in bed 30 extra minutes.
After I was able to get moving, I did feel more energetic and was able to make it into work. I actually did well until I got back home, where I did 30 minutes of meditation which got me back to exhausted and collapsed again. I'm so used to running on fumes, rushing, rushing.
I'm finishing up 90210. It is not a blast from the past because it is the second one.
I do remember when the original came out. That was one of the shows that was off limits. Having only one TV in the house helped.
Even if I did have time, I probably wouldn't have watched it. I ran for years. Like I told the counselor, I was addicted to success. It was my way out. My idea of perfection was my way out.
I've let perfect go. I'm letting my idea of success go.
I was lucky, and I'm still lucky. I feel grateful.
Today I will take it easy. I've been running for a long time. It's hard to learn how to walk again, but I am doing it, one day at a time. I am grateful for the gift of recovery, friendship and fellowship.
Monday, September 17, 2018
Fly away to detachment
It never fails that when my spouse travels, there is drama.
Since being in recovery, I now expect drama, of some sort, to come up.
The two days before the travel everything went very well. He drove off, everything was fine, he got to the airport, and all hell broke loose.
The dog had gnawed on his passport about a year and a half ago, and he has traveled with it several times, domestically and internationally.
This time, the clerk wouldn't let him through.
His phone butt dialed me multiple times, each time I picked it up, or rang him back before I got wise to the fact the phone was calling, not him, I heard key snips of the conversation.
He sent me a text message, then as I was driving to a meeting, I got the phone call. The fix me, heal me, make everything better call. He was hysterical, in a manly way, which means he was dictatorial.
I told him I was driving, but as soon as I got to the meeting I would try to find someone to take over (maybe), and then help him.
I made it there and gave him a call. He wanted me to check his email, email his travel person etc. etc. I looked up the person's phone number and sent it to him.
He rushed to the local passport office to try and get a new passport. He got a temporary passport, called his travel agent, who told him it would be a $2000 fee to change the flight, then headed back to the airport.
At the counter, the man checking him in told him that everything happens for a reason.
His original plane still hadn't taken off.
Through all of this I stayed calm. My default was calm. It passed through my head to blame him for not getting a non-chewed passport, but why?
I didn't feed into his anxiety at all. It was amazing.
I felt like oil on water, completely unruffled.
Today I will celebrate the recovery victory, and I will congratulate myself for being able to stay calm.
Today I will be grateful to my Higher Power for recovery, and for being able to carry out His will by keeping the focus on me during a stressful situation.
Today I will be glad I let myself be loved by detaching from someone else's emotions.
Since being in recovery, I now expect drama, of some sort, to come up.
The two days before the travel everything went very well. He drove off, everything was fine, he got to the airport, and all hell broke loose.
The dog had gnawed on his passport about a year and a half ago, and he has traveled with it several times, domestically and internationally.
This time, the clerk wouldn't let him through.
His phone butt dialed me multiple times, each time I picked it up, or rang him back before I got wise to the fact the phone was calling, not him, I heard key snips of the conversation.
He sent me a text message, then as I was driving to a meeting, I got the phone call. The fix me, heal me, make everything better call. He was hysterical, in a manly way, which means he was dictatorial.
I told him I was driving, but as soon as I got to the meeting I would try to find someone to take over (maybe), and then help him.
I made it there and gave him a call. He wanted me to check his email, email his travel person etc. etc. I looked up the person's phone number and sent it to him.
He rushed to the local passport office to try and get a new passport. He got a temporary passport, called his travel agent, who told him it would be a $2000 fee to change the flight, then headed back to the airport.
At the counter, the man checking him in told him that everything happens for a reason.
His original plane still hadn't taken off.
Through all of this I stayed calm. My default was calm. It passed through my head to blame him for not getting a non-chewed passport, but why?
I didn't feed into his anxiety at all. It was amazing.
I felt like oil on water, completely unruffled.
Today I will celebrate the recovery victory, and I will congratulate myself for being able to stay calm.
Today I will be grateful to my Higher Power for recovery, and for being able to carry out His will by keeping the focus on me during a stressful situation.
Today I will be glad I let myself be loved by detaching from someone else's emotions.
Sunday, September 16, 2018
Monthly Meeting
This month's meeting offered me some new insight.
I realized why I was having such a hard time within the larger group social and business meeting.
I was trained to meet other people's emotional needs and ignore my own from a very young age. I also had to learn to monitor other people's emotions in order to survive.
I already worked through the emotions of how the building itself (design, layout, smell) reminds me of places from my youth.
However I didn't understand until to day that with being in large group the constant barrage of other people's emotions is overwhelming to me.
I've only recently begun to be able to "stay inside myself" during one on one interaction and let other people take care of their own emotional needs. I've only recently been able to identify people pleasing behavior (words) as it is happening as well.
Having that many people around me means I will need to go apart and sink myself inside before interacting in a significant way. The large group business meeting immediately follows the social, so that is 2 hours. I can handle one, but two gets trying. During the social, I can leave as needed.
Today I took time after mass to say my usual post-mass prayers in the quiet chapel instead of running off immediately to my duties as treasurer gathering up people's money.
This action made a world of difference. I was able to listen to myself, and really monitor what I was feeling and whether or not I actually needed to comment. Many times my desire to comment was simply a desire to control or fix. I remained still and continued to listen, externally and internally
I am still having difficulty in the social, but hopefully that will come with time and practice. Mostly I feel awkward and not sure what to ask or say. This usually only happens around people I actually care about. With others I can just fake it since I don't care anyway.
Now that I'm used to not wearing the mask, when I start to put it on, I feel uncomfortable.
I think I'll stick with awkward and unsure of myself, but still trying.
Just for today I will take my time with what I say. I will stop to see what I think, listen to myself and remember that easy does it.
Just for today I will celebrate how far I've come, trusting that with the help of my Higher Power, I will be able to continue in growth.
Just for today I realize that I am here for a purpose - to be myself fully and completely. With the help of my Higher Power, I can live authentically.
I realized why I was having such a hard time within the larger group social and business meeting.
I was trained to meet other people's emotional needs and ignore my own from a very young age. I also had to learn to monitor other people's emotions in order to survive.
I already worked through the emotions of how the building itself (design, layout, smell) reminds me of places from my youth.
However I didn't understand until to day that with being in large group the constant barrage of other people's emotions is overwhelming to me.
I've only recently begun to be able to "stay inside myself" during one on one interaction and let other people take care of their own emotional needs. I've only recently been able to identify people pleasing behavior (words) as it is happening as well.
Having that many people around me means I will need to go apart and sink myself inside before interacting in a significant way. The large group business meeting immediately follows the social, so that is 2 hours. I can handle one, but two gets trying. During the social, I can leave as needed.
Today I took time after mass to say my usual post-mass prayers in the quiet chapel instead of running off immediately to my duties as treasurer gathering up people's money.
This action made a world of difference. I was able to listen to myself, and really monitor what I was feeling and whether or not I actually needed to comment. Many times my desire to comment was simply a desire to control or fix. I remained still and continued to listen, externally and internally
I am still having difficulty in the social, but hopefully that will come with time and practice. Mostly I feel awkward and not sure what to ask or say. This usually only happens around people I actually care about. With others I can just fake it since I don't care anyway.
Now that I'm used to not wearing the mask, when I start to put it on, I feel uncomfortable.
I think I'll stick with awkward and unsure of myself, but still trying.
Just for today I will take my time with what I say. I will stop to see what I think, listen to myself and remember that easy does it.
Just for today I will celebrate how far I've come, trusting that with the help of my Higher Power, I will be able to continue in growth.
Just for today I realize that I am here for a purpose - to be myself fully and completely. With the help of my Higher Power, I can live authentically.
Saturday, September 15, 2018
Detaching with Love
I went to a meeting today. My insight was that I've learned to detach from other people's emotional reactions, and to stay inside myself. I was worried about going, but I knew I needed to go, so I went anyway.
When I am thrown back to the past, which often happens in and after meetings, it is difficult to stay inside, and some reactions are still similar to the past - but I know they are happening, and they are not as extreme. This is part of the gift of awareness.
I also know how to get myself back inside myself instead of continuing to run around wounded, wondering why I'm reacting. Self-care is huge.
I can identify my emotions. I don't always like my emotions, but I'm becoming more accepting of them. When I can accept the emotion, and fully feel it, without trying to escape it, push it away or deny it, the emotion passes and I am able to say goodbye.
Goodbye to that lost dream. Or just the dream of a dream. Acceptance is the key.
When I accept what is, then it is like I wake up, and am able to see what I have. I am able to enjoy what I have. I am able to be grateful.
By feeling my feelings my headspace is freed to to focus on my stuff, the good stuff. And there is a lot of good stuff!
Going to meetings is good because it helps stir up things that would otherwise remained unresolved. It also helps me practice what I've learned.
I read the book "The New Codependency" by Melody Beattie, and I have to say I really enjoyed the chapter about how some people need meetings their entire lives, some just need them during crisis, and some go for a time and then leave.
I have to be responsible for my own well being, not handing it over to meetings or anyone else. I can take into consideration what therapists say, what other people say, and what people important to me say, but at the end of the day I am responsible for me.
Do I love me? It is difficult when the healthy ego is destroyed to develop self love but I'm doing it.
I'm letting myself be loved. By myself. By my Higher Power and by others.
When I don't have loving feelings, when I'm all tossed up inside, or have gone outside myself, I can still behave in a loving way to myself or others. I can practice the principles before personalities on me.
Today I will let myself be loved, just as I am, without judgment, without rancour and with respect, tenderness and kindness. I trust that with time I will be able to love as I am loved, and see others as I begin to see myself, with clarity, honesty and compassion.
The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love. First, friendship with myself and my higher power by accepting my higher power's friendship, second, love for myself and my higher power by accepting my higher power's love for me.
Just for today I will let myself be loved.
When I am thrown back to the past, which often happens in and after meetings, it is difficult to stay inside, and some reactions are still similar to the past - but I know they are happening, and they are not as extreme. This is part of the gift of awareness.
I also know how to get myself back inside myself instead of continuing to run around wounded, wondering why I'm reacting. Self-care is huge.
I can identify my emotions. I don't always like my emotions, but I'm becoming more accepting of them. When I can accept the emotion, and fully feel it, without trying to escape it, push it away or deny it, the emotion passes and I am able to say goodbye.
Goodbye to that lost dream. Or just the dream of a dream. Acceptance is the key.
When I accept what is, then it is like I wake up, and am able to see what I have. I am able to enjoy what I have. I am able to be grateful.
By feeling my feelings my headspace is freed to to focus on my stuff, the good stuff. And there is a lot of good stuff!
Going to meetings is good because it helps stir up things that would otherwise remained unresolved. It also helps me practice what I've learned.
I read the book "The New Codependency" by Melody Beattie, and I have to say I really enjoyed the chapter about how some people need meetings their entire lives, some just need them during crisis, and some go for a time and then leave.
I have to be responsible for my own well being, not handing it over to meetings or anyone else. I can take into consideration what therapists say, what other people say, and what people important to me say, but at the end of the day I am responsible for me.
Do I love me? It is difficult when the healthy ego is destroyed to develop self love but I'm doing it.
I'm letting myself be loved. By myself. By my Higher Power and by others.
When I don't have loving feelings, when I'm all tossed up inside, or have gone outside myself, I can still behave in a loving way to myself or others. I can practice the principles before personalities on me.
Today I will let myself be loved, just as I am, without judgment, without rancour and with respect, tenderness and kindness. I trust that with time I will be able to love as I am loved, and see others as I begin to see myself, with clarity, honesty and compassion.
The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love. First, friendship with myself and my higher power by accepting my higher power's friendship, second, love for myself and my higher power by accepting my higher power's love for me.
Just for today I will let myself be loved.
Thursday, September 13, 2018
Step 1 - Admitted I am powerless over blog content
Step 1 - Admitted I am powerless over blog content, that my blogging had become unmanageable.
After typing Step 1, I realized that, actually, I do know what this blog will be about.
Granted, I don't know what form or story it will take each day, but I do know this is about my journey through the 12 steps and how this interacts within my life as a child of God in the 3rd order or lay Carmelite vocation of the Catholic church.
Step 1 is very powerful. The second I say, "I don't know," I admit to the possibility that someone else does, or that the answer exists outside myself. I don't have to know, right now.
When I am okay with not knowing, then I am ready to know.
My blogging is unmanageable, because of control. I I I need to control control control everything.
I don't know which direction this blog will take, other than the above mentioned. I don't know if anyone will read it. I have no control over the fact that my mind starts to obsess about all the things I need to know if I am going to start blogging again. I have to plan for all the bad things that could happen. I have to plan for all the good things that could happen. What if. What if. What if.
No. I do not have to know. I only have to trust that, right now, I need to make this blog. IF someday I need to move it, I can. IF someday, I need to delete it, I can.
When I am okay with not knowing, then I no longer have to control. I can rest in the fact that I only have to do, right now, what I need to do next. That is all that is expected, to do the next right thing.
The unmanageable shrinks down into its right size until I am able to see only the next thing, because I never really saw the big picture anyway. The mirror of my mind had distorted everything, like one of those curved mirrors at the funhouse.
When I am okay with not knowing, then I am ready to know.
Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our life had become unmanageable.
I pray that we will find the serenity we seek, and that we will see that what we seek has always been inside us, waiting for us to return to ourselves to find rest.
We are loved with an everlasting love, and surrounding us are the everlasting arms.
No-people, No-place, No-thing, can separate us from the love of God.
Let yourself be loved.
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