Just For Today

Getting up in the morning can be hard, but I have a few tricks now that make it easier on me.

I wake up to a beautiful harp song in the morning, and I stay in bed until it is over.

I get up after its finished, do what I have to do, then head back to bed where I feel warm & cozy and have meditation time.

During the day I try to stay present. Here are some things I do when I get stressed out and begin to "go off" into my freeze response (pretty much my default), anxiety or any other emotion.

1. Put my hand over my heart.
2. Lightly stomp my feet on the floor.
3. Focus on a distant object, like a tree.
4. 60 second meditation, eyes shut, count backward from 60.
5. Take a quick walk - around the office, to get coffee, bathroom break or around the block.
6. Look up at the sky and just breathe.
7. Repeat something beautiful - poetry, music, sacred scriptures, or affirmations.
8. Read something.
9. Check in with Facebook - only works if you're following positive people!
10. Say out loud what I see (this is new!)
11. Follow the five senses. (this is new!)
12. Say the "right now" Serenity prayer.
13. Do the next tiny thing - one click on the computer, one paper, one word, one hand movement.
14. Stand up (I have a stand up desk).
15. Stare at the background picture on my computer screen (something beautiful).
16. Listen to my heart beat.
17. Hold my own hand.
18. Touch or hold a stuffed animal.
19. Water plants.
20. Put on hand lotion.
21. Make some tea & drink it.
22. Listen to music.
23. Listen to nature sounds.
24. Put on the headphones.
25. Stretch.
26. Do a few simple and gentle exercises.
27. Just FEEL whatever emotion is present for five seconds. Repeat if necessary. Do it for longer if necessary, always counting backwards.

For bedtime I have a gentle routine as well. Since having to deal with my trauma, fear of the dark came back to me.

Now I take it very easy. I leave two lights on, shower, read, and make sure I eat something before bed. I dress for bed in something I like, that is comfortable, colorful and feels good.

I leave one light on and do some reading, journaling or praying.

I have remote controlled candles, and I lay there with the candles and my stuffed bear until I either go to sleep (timer on the candles) or I'm ready to turn them off.

It feels strange being gentle with myself, when for so long I have been abrupt and impatient.

But that abruptness and impatience is a result of internalizing the family dysfunction.

To prevent you being hard on me, I will be so hard on myself I will be perfect, and I will never have to feel the pain of abandonment and rejection.

To fix you, I will be perfect. To fix me, you will treat me harshly. Because it's my fault you aren't perfect, and it's my fault I'm not perfect. Little children are given such harsh burdens, and in innocence they are carried.

Perfectionism is so painful. It feels wrong to be human, to make mistakes, to realize I am still and will continue to still learn how to be human. But being human is what I was made to do, it is God's will for me. It is okay to be human. I like it.

Just for today I will accept myself as human. I will accept it is okay to feel the feelings life evokes, to make mistakes and to keep getting up when I fall.

The only thing more terrifying than falling, is continuing to wallow in the mud and say "I can't get up, it's too hard! It's you're fault!" That's how this started in the first place.

It's hard getting up from the victim role, but it is so worth it.

Just for today, I will live through this day only, and not try to tackle all my problems at once.

Just for today, I will ask first, instead of trying to figure out what I need to do.

Just for today, I will be happy, joyous and free, dancing with my Higher Power.

Just for today, I will carry the light yoke and easy burden.

Just for today, I will let myself be loved.