Change as Love Change as Good - One Day at a Time

I love change. I can count on change. If I am willing and go with the flow of my Higher Power change becomes a source of strength.

If I can change, everything becomes possible to me.

Real change is gentle, seasonal and tender. It is not jerked or forced or harsh. Return to real change is a return to love, a return to renewal and a return to the True Self.

I love changing, becoming, being.

True self becomes dominant with real change.

I can't change the past or the future. But I can heal the past, and by doing so become healthier for the future in the present.

In this moment I can touch my entire span of life and transform everything to good. That is the power of my Higher Power, given to me. As my Higher Power is, so am I.

When I am in my Higher Power's will, everything will turn out for good.

When the anger, resentment, control and disease are felt and released, or healed, then gratitude naturally bubbles up and constant contentment becomes my companion. Everything becomes beautiful.

I told my Higher Power I was angry at him, he could have changed what happened to me when I was little. My Higher Power said yes, I could have, but if I had you would not have become who you are right now. I like who I am right now.

People around me made poor choices, but I chose to stay with my Higher Power and trust in love. Because I was able to believe in the absence of what should have been there, my parents' love, I was able to be a part of the stream of goodness.

My addictions I built became tools helping me to a better life, and for that I will always be profoundly grateful.

When I accept and love change, everything becomes possible with a Higher Power whose unchanging strength is seen in change, in the power of being able to draw good out of anything.

If I say with my Higher Power, I can draw good out of everything that could happen to me as well, just like I'm doing right now.

Just for today I will be grateful.

Just for today I will trust.

How Important is it? VERY #powerless2powerful

Today was a rage day.

It's a nice change from sadness/grief. Those emotions can be very lethargy inducing.

When I first hit the doors of recovery, I was stone cold angry.

That dissipated in a couple of months, and I was able to take a more measured approach. Now I realize that what happened to me was a gift, because it separated me from the abusive people.

Now, as I journey through therapy and work on myself, I see that there are very justifiable times for my anger. In the past, there were times when I needed to speak up, but didn't. That was wrong.

How important is it? It is VERY important.

Abusive behavior is not acceptable. Those who stand by and watch are culpable as well. They are accessories to the abuse, especially if they enable the abuse.

I am angry these people didn't listen to me. I am angry more people than me were abused. I am angry that cowards wouldn't fight for me and left me to figure out how to protect myself. I did a great job for being so young. I did what I had to do to survive the war zone that was my youth.

I didn't turn out abusive. I became a protector, a nurturer and an alligator. I built up resentments to protect myself. Sarcasm became a way to fight back.

I don't need the resentments to protect myself any more. Sarcasm hurts me more than it does others. I put down the poison, and picked up the truth.

And the truth hurts before it heals. It hurts so bad, but I'm going to get through this one day at a time.

I've got healthy tools now, and a good support network.

I stopped going to church, for now. I even stopped praying the rosary, but thank God that came back today.

Going to church is something that will come back. Right now I need to stay away, I need to give myself time and I need to heal. I need to be gentle with myself.

I channeled my rage into usefulness by emailing an editor about a victim shaming/blaming headline. I studied for grad school. I meditated, ate, and walked more than my usual mile. I stayed in the present. I enjoyed the beautiful day and I thanked God that I no longer have to be around those abusive people.

Today I will choose to be grateful in the midst of anger.

Today I will choose to see that I have been loved all my life by my Higher Power.

Today I will be gentle with myself, and let myself heal.

Today I will fight for the rights of the innocent.

Today I will feel to heal.

Today I AM IMPORTANT.

Anger and Acceptance

I determined yesterday, after walking around all day in a fog of anger and not being able to name the feeling until later, that the next time I felt like that, I would make a phone call.

I also determined to make a phone call every day I don't go to a meeting.

I can think of a few reasons why phone calls are torturous.

1. Phone as means of control - we didn't have access, so they could control us.
2. Parents yelling at each other over long distance phone bills.
3. No phone calls as a money issue.
4. Getting 'glares' when the phone was used.
5. Strange clicking noises while talking on the phone (someone listening? grrr.)
6. Constant negative feedback about using the phone.
7. Paranoia instilled about who was listening to phone calls.

But I did pick up that hundred pound phone tonight. I made one call, and didn't pick up.

So I sent my cat out to steal things (I discovered KleptoCats two days ago while searching for Pusheen stickers for my phone). I started to count backyard with the timer, and that was really soothing. Who knew? Video games for healing.

By the time I had counted all the way back, and my digital cat had brought me something cool - a unicorn - I was ready to make the second phone call.

I told them that I was angry and that I thought it was about acceptance. I just don't want to accept what happened to me, what is. I got the best advice: ask God what his will was for me right now. That way the focus is not on what I don't have, but on what I do have. Which take some supernatural power, let me tell you.

So I did it, and was able to get up from the digital vortex and just do the next thing. Which led me back to the digital vortex to write about it

It felt good. And I love that silly game.

Just for today I will ask what God's will is for me, then do the next thing that is his will for me.

Just for today I will make a phone call.

Just for today I will remind myself I am grown up and I can make phone calls whenever I want to.

Just for today I will remember I have a phone list, know lots of people on it, and can make that call.

Just for today I will remember that what I did in my own self will wasn't working, and I will give the next step in the program for me a try and keeping trying.

Just for today I will remember that behavior changes thinking. If I want to change inside, I need to move outside as well.

Just for today I will remember my Higher Power loves me, and he has all the power I need, I just have to ask!

Angry. Angry. Angry...

It's a low grade, what I used to call sick.

Because anger wasn't allowed, but sad was allowed. But then sad wasn't allowed, so all that was left was sick.

And so I feel sick, then sad and then finally after a meeting I realized it is anger, my old friend.

Yes.

Something is wrong.

I was abused. And I am angry.

I am angry at the people who abused me. They are jerks and worse.

I am angry at the people who were silent. I was the innocent sacrifice which allowed them to remain in denial.

I am angry, right now, at people in my life who remind me of those people.

I hope they rot in hell. And I will pray for you, so I won't be poisoned with resentment and live a hell on earth. So I can move from hoping they rot in hell, to hoping they find recovery.

I am angry I can't go to church without feeling anxious, terrified and wanting to leave. All those feelings I couldn't feel as a child, having to survive in an abusive religious environment, I am angry.

I am angry that there are bullies, jerks and evil in the world that delight and enjoy destroying beauty and innocence, simply because they can.

No, you don't get a pass if you were abused. So was I, and I didn't abuse others. I became a protector. What did you become? A monster.

I hate all of you and I no longer have to be around you. But I will still pray for you, so my hatred will not consume me and make me a monster as well.

Unfortunately, there will always be people like you. People who delight in destruction. People who take it out on those who are enjoying themselves and life. People who decide to destroy what is beautiful, just because they get a kick out of it.

Would you prefer security to love? Would you sacrifice your own child to save yourself? To protect your viewpoint of the world? What does it say about you if you do that?

What the fuck is wrong with us?

Just for today I will feel all my feelings, and allow them to pass.

Just for today I will observe myself with compassion, and let myself grow at my own pace.

Just for today I will be angry, and I will let it pass.

Let Time Take Time

I am shaking with anger right now. Just shaking with it. Feeling the years that have been stolen, STOLEN, by the abuse.

What really makes me mad is that it comes out in tears, which makes me even angrier.

Tears, at least, were acceptable responses growing up. Not feeling well was also another response.

In ACA I learned the phrase, "Let time take time."

It just takes time, I will feel the feelings and heal, but right now it is really hard!

Self-care triumphs today:

1. Put on make up
2. Picked up around my back yard
3. Logged some additional time at work
4. Put up my curtains early
5. Edited my application
6. Got my boss' approval for a recommendation I wrote (for me)
7. Checked my college inbox (no updates)
8. Read today's Courage to Change
9. Read today's Strengthening my Recovery
10. Made a meal without internal drama
11. Positive positive internal dialogue
12. Watched the clouds go by and listed to Ella Fitzgerald for 15 minutes
13. Morning Prayer

Today I will let time take time, and just do the next thing.
Today I will remember that self care reflects acceptance of God's love for me.