Anger and Acceptance

I determined yesterday, after walking around all day in a fog of anger and not being able to name the feeling until later, that the next time I felt like that, I would make a phone call.

I also determined to make a phone call every day I don't go to a meeting.

I can think of a few reasons why phone calls are torturous.

1. Phone as means of control - we didn't have access, so they could control us.
2. Parents yelling at each other over long distance phone bills.
3. No phone calls as a money issue.
4. Getting 'glares' when the phone was used.
5. Strange clicking noises while talking on the phone (someone listening? grrr.)
6. Constant negative feedback about using the phone.
7. Paranoia instilled about who was listening to phone calls.

But I did pick up that hundred pound phone tonight. I made one call, and didn't pick up.

So I sent my cat out to steal things (I discovered KleptoCats two days ago while searching for Pusheen stickers for my phone). I started to count backyard with the timer, and that was really soothing. Who knew? Video games for healing.

By the time I had counted all the way back, and my digital cat had brought me something cool - a unicorn - I was ready to make the second phone call.

I told them that I was angry and that I thought it was about acceptance. I just don't want to accept what happened to me, what is. I got the best advice: ask God what his will was for me right now. That way the focus is not on what I don't have, but on what I do have. Which take some supernatural power, let me tell you.

So I did it, and was able to get up from the digital vortex and just do the next thing. Which led me back to the digital vortex to write about it

It felt good. And I love that silly game.

Just for today I will ask what God's will is for me, then do the next thing that is his will for me.

Just for today I will make a phone call.

Just for today I will remind myself I am grown up and I can make phone calls whenever I want to.

Just for today I will remember I have a phone list, know lots of people on it, and can make that call.

Just for today I will remember that what I did in my own self will wasn't working, and I will give the next step in the program for me a try and keeping trying.

Just for today I will remember that behavior changes thinking. If I want to change inside, I need to move outside as well.

Just for today I will remember my Higher Power loves me, and he has all the power I need, I just have to ask!