I love change. I can count on change. If I am willing and go with the flow of my Higher Power change becomes a source of strength.
If I can change, everything becomes possible to me.
Real change is gentle, seasonal and tender. It is not jerked or forced or harsh. Return to real change is a return to love, a return to renewal and a return to the True Self.
I love changing, becoming, being.
True self becomes dominant with real change.
I can't change the past or the future. But I can heal the past, and by doing so become healthier for the future in the present.
In this moment I can touch my entire span of life and transform everything to good. That is the power of my Higher Power, given to me. As my Higher Power is, so am I.
When I am in my Higher Power's will, everything will turn out for good.
When the anger, resentment, control and disease are felt and released, or healed, then gratitude naturally bubbles up and constant contentment becomes my companion. Everything becomes beautiful.
I told my Higher Power I was angry at him, he could have changed what happened to me when I was little. My Higher Power said yes, I could have, but if I had you would not have become who you are right now. I like who I am right now.
People around me made poor choices, but I chose to stay with my Higher Power and trust in love. Because I was able to believe in the absence of what should have been there, my parents' love, I was able to be a part of the stream of goodness.
My addictions I built became tools helping me to a better life, and for that I will always be profoundly grateful.
When I accept and love change, everything becomes possible with a Higher Power whose unchanging strength is seen in change, in the power of being able to draw good out of anything.
If I say with my Higher Power, I can draw good out of everything that could happen to me as well, just like I'm doing right now.
Just for today I will be grateful.
Just for today I will trust.
Showing posts with label Acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Acceptance. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Monday, October 8, 2018
Anger and Acceptance
I determined yesterday, after walking around all day in a fog of anger and not being able to name the feeling until later, that the next time I felt like that, I would make a phone call.
I also determined to make a phone call every day I don't go to a meeting.
I can think of a few reasons why phone calls are torturous.
1. Phone as means of control - we didn't have access, so they could control us.
2. Parents yelling at each other over long distance phone bills.
3. No phone calls as a money issue.
4. Getting 'glares' when the phone was used.
5. Strange clicking noises while talking on the phone (someone listening? grrr.)
6. Constant negative feedback about using the phone.
7. Paranoia instilled about who was listening to phone calls.
But I did pick up that hundred pound phone tonight. I made one call, and didn't pick up.
So I sent my cat out to steal things (I discovered KleptoCats two days ago while searching for Pusheen stickers for my phone). I started to count backyard with the timer, and that was really soothing. Who knew? Video games for healing.
By the time I had counted all the way back, and my digital cat had brought me something cool - a unicorn - I was ready to make the second phone call.
I told them that I was angry and that I thought it was about acceptance. I just don't want to accept what happened to me, what is. I got the best advice: ask God what his will was for me right now. That way the focus is not on what I don't have, but on what I do have. Which take some supernatural power, let me tell you.
So I did it, and was able to get up from the digital vortex and just do the next thing. Which led me back to the digital vortex to write about it
It felt good. And I love that silly game.
Just for today I will ask what God's will is for me, then do the next thing that is his will for me.
Just for today I will make a phone call.
Just for today I will remind myself I am grown up and I can make phone calls whenever I want to.
Just for today I will remember I have a phone list, know lots of people on it, and can make that call.
Just for today I will remember that what I did in my own self will wasn't working, and I will give the next step in the program for me a try and keeping trying.
Just for today I will remember that behavior changes thinking. If I want to change inside, I need to move outside as well.
Just for today I will remember my Higher Power loves me, and he has all the power I need, I just have to ask!
I also determined to make a phone call every day I don't go to a meeting.
I can think of a few reasons why phone calls are torturous.
1. Phone as means of control - we didn't have access, so they could control us.
2. Parents yelling at each other over long distance phone bills.
3. No phone calls as a money issue.
4. Getting 'glares' when the phone was used.
5. Strange clicking noises while talking on the phone (someone listening? grrr.)
6. Constant negative feedback about using the phone.
7. Paranoia instilled about who was listening to phone calls.
But I did pick up that hundred pound phone tonight. I made one call, and didn't pick up.
So I sent my cat out to steal things (I discovered KleptoCats two days ago while searching for Pusheen stickers for my phone). I started to count backyard with the timer, and that was really soothing. Who knew? Video games for healing.
By the time I had counted all the way back, and my digital cat had brought me something cool - a unicorn - I was ready to make the second phone call.
I told them that I was angry and that I thought it was about acceptance. I just don't want to accept what happened to me, what is. I got the best advice: ask God what his will was for me right now. That way the focus is not on what I don't have, but on what I do have. Which take some supernatural power, let me tell you.
So I did it, and was able to get up from the digital vortex and just do the next thing. Which led me back to the digital vortex to write about it
It felt good. And I love that silly game.
Just for today I will ask what God's will is for me, then do the next thing that is his will for me.
Just for today I will make a phone call.
Just for today I will remind myself I am grown up and I can make phone calls whenever I want to.
Just for today I will remember I have a phone list, know lots of people on it, and can make that call.
Just for today I will remember that what I did in my own self will wasn't working, and I will give the next step in the program for me a try and keeping trying.
Just for today I will remember that behavior changes thinking. If I want to change inside, I need to move outside as well.
Just for today I will remember my Higher Power loves me, and he has all the power I need, I just have to ask!
Friday, September 28, 2018
Just For Today
Getting up in the morning can be hard, but I have a few tricks now that make it easier on me.
I wake up to a beautiful harp song in the morning, and I stay in bed until it is over.
I get up after its finished, do what I have to do, then head back to bed where I feel warm & cozy and have meditation time.
During the day I try to stay present. Here are some things I do when I get stressed out and begin to "go off" into my freeze response (pretty much my default), anxiety or any other emotion.
1. Put my hand over my heart.
2. Lightly stomp my feet on the floor.
3. Focus on a distant object, like a tree.
4. 60 second meditation, eyes shut, count backward from 60.
5. Take a quick walk - around the office, to get coffee, bathroom break or around the block.
6. Look up at the sky and just breathe.
7. Repeat something beautiful - poetry, music, sacred scriptures, or affirmations.
8. Read something.
9. Check in with Facebook - only works if you're following positive people!
10. Say out loud what I see (this is new!)
11. Follow the five senses. (this is new!)
12. Say the "right now" Serenity prayer.
13. Do the next tiny thing - one click on the computer, one paper, one word, one hand movement.
14. Stand up (I have a stand up desk).
15. Stare at the background picture on my computer screen (something beautiful).
16. Listen to my heart beat.
17. Hold my own hand.
18. Touch or hold a stuffed animal.
19. Water plants.
20. Put on hand lotion.
21. Make some tea & drink it.
22. Listen to music.
23. Listen to nature sounds.
24. Put on the headphones.
25. Stretch.
26. Do a few simple and gentle exercises.
27. Just FEEL whatever emotion is present for five seconds. Repeat if necessary. Do it for longer if necessary, always counting backwards.
For bedtime I have a gentle routine as well. Since having to deal with my trauma, fear of the dark came back to me.
Now I take it very easy. I leave two lights on, shower, read, and make sure I eat something before bed. I dress for bed in something I like, that is comfortable, colorful and feels good.
I leave one light on and do some reading, journaling or praying.
I have remote controlled candles, and I lay there with the candles and my stuffed bear until I either go to sleep (timer on the candles) or I'm ready to turn them off.
It feels strange being gentle with myself, when for so long I have been abrupt and impatient.
But that abruptness and impatience is a result of internalizing the family dysfunction.
To prevent you being hard on me, I will be so hard on myself I will be perfect, and I will never have to feel the pain of abandonment and rejection.
To fix you, I will be perfect. To fix me, you will treat me harshly. Because it's my fault you aren't perfect, and it's my fault I'm not perfect. Little children are given such harsh burdens, and in innocence they are carried.
Perfectionism is so painful. It feels wrong to be human, to make mistakes, to realize I am still and will continue to still learn how to be human. But being human is what I was made to do, it is God's will for me. It is okay to be human. I like it.
Just for today I will accept myself as human. I will accept it is okay to feel the feelings life evokes, to make mistakes and to keep getting up when I fall.
The only thing more terrifying than falling, is continuing to wallow in the mud and say "I can't get up, it's too hard! It's you're fault!" That's how this started in the first place.
It's hard getting up from the victim role, but it is so worth it.
Just for today, I will live through this day only, and not try to tackle all my problems at once.
Just for today, I will ask first, instead of trying to figure out what I need to do.
Just for today, I will be happy, joyous and free, dancing with my Higher Power.
Just for today, I will carry the light yoke and easy burden.
Just for today, I will let myself be loved.
I wake up to a beautiful harp song in the morning, and I stay in bed until it is over.
I get up after its finished, do what I have to do, then head back to bed where I feel warm & cozy and have meditation time.
During the day I try to stay present. Here are some things I do when I get stressed out and begin to "go off" into my freeze response (pretty much my default), anxiety or any other emotion.
1. Put my hand over my heart.
2. Lightly stomp my feet on the floor.
3. Focus on a distant object, like a tree.
4. 60 second meditation, eyes shut, count backward from 60.
5. Take a quick walk - around the office, to get coffee, bathroom break or around the block.
6. Look up at the sky and just breathe.
7. Repeat something beautiful - poetry, music, sacred scriptures, or affirmations.
8. Read something.
9. Check in with Facebook - only works if you're following positive people!
10. Say out loud what I see (this is new!)
11. Follow the five senses. (this is new!)
12. Say the "right now" Serenity prayer.
13. Do the next tiny thing - one click on the computer, one paper, one word, one hand movement.
14. Stand up (I have a stand up desk).
15. Stare at the background picture on my computer screen (something beautiful).
16. Listen to my heart beat.
17. Hold my own hand.
18. Touch or hold a stuffed animal.
19. Water plants.
20. Put on hand lotion.
21. Make some tea & drink it.
22. Listen to music.
23. Listen to nature sounds.
24. Put on the headphones.
25. Stretch.
26. Do a few simple and gentle exercises.
27. Just FEEL whatever emotion is present for five seconds. Repeat if necessary. Do it for longer if necessary, always counting backwards.
For bedtime I have a gentle routine as well. Since having to deal with my trauma, fear of the dark came back to me.
Now I take it very easy. I leave two lights on, shower, read, and make sure I eat something before bed. I dress for bed in something I like, that is comfortable, colorful and feels good.
I leave one light on and do some reading, journaling or praying.
I have remote controlled candles, and I lay there with the candles and my stuffed bear until I either go to sleep (timer on the candles) or I'm ready to turn them off.
It feels strange being gentle with myself, when for so long I have been abrupt and impatient.
But that abruptness and impatience is a result of internalizing the family dysfunction.
To prevent you being hard on me, I will be so hard on myself I will be perfect, and I will never have to feel the pain of abandonment and rejection.
To fix you, I will be perfect. To fix me, you will treat me harshly. Because it's my fault you aren't perfect, and it's my fault I'm not perfect. Little children are given such harsh burdens, and in innocence they are carried.
Perfectionism is so painful. It feels wrong to be human, to make mistakes, to realize I am still and will continue to still learn how to be human. But being human is what I was made to do, it is God's will for me. It is okay to be human. I like it.
Just for today I will accept myself as human. I will accept it is okay to feel the feelings life evokes, to make mistakes and to keep getting up when I fall.
The only thing more terrifying than falling, is continuing to wallow in the mud and say "I can't get up, it's too hard! It's you're fault!" That's how this started in the first place.
It's hard getting up from the victim role, but it is so worth it.
Just for today, I will live through this day only, and not try to tackle all my problems at once.
Just for today, I will ask first, instead of trying to figure out what I need to do.
Just for today, I will be happy, joyous and free, dancing with my Higher Power.
Just for today, I will carry the light yoke and easy burden.
Just for today, I will let myself be loved.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
It's not about me
My parents visited to be at my child's school event.
The build up to the visit had an under current of anxiety for one week ahead, beginning with an awareness of impending anxiety 2 weeks in advance, which was an improvement from the stark terror it had been for the previous visits since therapy.
The stark terror was an improvement from the denial/disocciative state in which I worked myself up for a month in advance and fell into a depressive state afterwards for several weeks, depending on length of stay etc. etc.
Since being able to name the disease and the cause of the emotions, and after work through so many of the emotions, repressed into the mists of mind-time, the visit as it was happening did not have the same effect as it has in the past.
I am in awe at the power of healing old wounds. It is truly phenomenal.
My catch phrase for the day was "where's your feet?" Several times before their arrival I caught myself floating off, but gently brought myself back to the present with some affirmations.
I am an adult. I am no longer a child. I am in control. I will do what is best for me. I am in my own house. I can leave at any time if I am uncomfortable. My Higher Power is with me and will guide me. My Higher Power has always been with me and will always be with me. It's not about me. It's them.
I even rode with them in their car to lunch and around town. I have not have been able to do that before. I was a little surprised myself, but each time I put my hand over my heart and asked myself, how are you doing? What do you want to do? Each time the answer I received was "I'm okay with doing this."
As we sat there eating lunch, some things were said and topics elaborated on that would have in the past made me feel like I had to fix something. I reminded myself that it was not about me. I was able to listen without judgment, and feel my own feelings, but let them pass.
Their method of communication is let's ignore who is right in front of us and talk about who is not here. Or, let's make this a conversation all about us. It hurts. That's their problem and it is an awesomely terrible problem. I have to be very careful to not be their therapist. That's not my job. It is not up to me to fix them, if they need help they can get it. I only have to take care of myself.
It still hurts to feel my child feel rejected, to feel like they don't care BUT it's not about me. And I don't have to fix anything for my child either. My children are intelligent, and can see what is going on, and draw their own conclusions. I don't have to foist my interpretation of what is going on onto them. God, it is so freeing! We can talk about it if necessary.
I was ready for them to go by dinner time. I could feel my boundaries getting a little stepped on and weakening with hunger. My empath sensitivities were tired of dealing with the projections and were weakening with contact. I just didn't want to do it any more, and that was okay!
God, it was good to see them go. All I could think as I saw them off for the final time that night was relief that 1) I don't have to be around them all that much and 2) I'm an adult. I'm an adult! I have a job! I no longer have to rely upon them to live!
What a gift to be able to be moving to interdependence (as opposed to dependence/independence) and to be able to create my own reality of health. This is the gift of recovery, of self- awareness, of the first three steps.
Did I mention that I felt like myself the whole time? I did not slip into the mask even once. Miracles happen.
My boundaries remained intact. I am a little sad to think that my parents require the same boundaries as the people at work. I have accepted it, but it still hurts a little.
But you know what? It doesn't hurt as much as it did when I tried to fit them into my expectations of how parents should be. That hurt so much more. So. much. more.
I've completed my 8th step, and you know what I finally was able to put on it about my parents for amends? That I never accepted them as they truly are. I kept trying to fit them into who I wanted them to be.
I feel like I made amends by beginning to create a new relationship with them based on acceptance, and healthy boundaries. 9th step, whoa.
I feel like I am beginning amends to myself for all the times I felt like I had to force myself to be around people or do things that terrified me. This is an ongoing 9th step.
I lived a long time repressing every emotion. Thank God my childhood emotional outlet was positive, and helped me escape the trauma instead of re-traumatize myself. I can't believe I was able to live so long in denial. Wow, it was so exhausting.
I am the heroine in my own story.
What they do or say - it's not about me.
God grant me the serenity to always be myself, and to accept my parents as they are, and not as I think they should be.
God grant me the serenity to accept myself as I am, and to not push myself to do things when I am terrified or frightened, but to give myself time and space for healing.
God, grant me the serenity to accept that the time of forcing myself is over. That I can now live in the ease and flow of the Spirit of Peace.
God, grant me the serenity, to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me - ACA serenity prayer
The build up to the visit had an under current of anxiety for one week ahead, beginning with an awareness of impending anxiety 2 weeks in advance, which was an improvement from the stark terror it had been for the previous visits since therapy.
The stark terror was an improvement from the denial/disocciative state in which I worked myself up for a month in advance and fell into a depressive state afterwards for several weeks, depending on length of stay etc. etc.
Since being able to name the disease and the cause of the emotions, and after work through so many of the emotions, repressed into the mists of mind-time, the visit as it was happening did not have the same effect as it has in the past.
I am in awe at the power of healing old wounds. It is truly phenomenal.
My catch phrase for the day was "where's your feet?" Several times before their arrival I caught myself floating off, but gently brought myself back to the present with some affirmations.
I am an adult. I am no longer a child. I am in control. I will do what is best for me. I am in my own house. I can leave at any time if I am uncomfortable. My Higher Power is with me and will guide me. My Higher Power has always been with me and will always be with me. It's not about me. It's them.
I even rode with them in their car to lunch and around town. I have not have been able to do that before. I was a little surprised myself, but each time I put my hand over my heart and asked myself, how are you doing? What do you want to do? Each time the answer I received was "I'm okay with doing this."
As we sat there eating lunch, some things were said and topics elaborated on that would have in the past made me feel like I had to fix something. I reminded myself that it was not about me. I was able to listen without judgment, and feel my own feelings, but let them pass.
Their method of communication is let's ignore who is right in front of us and talk about who is not here. Or, let's make this a conversation all about us. It hurts. That's their problem and it is an awesomely terrible problem. I have to be very careful to not be their therapist. That's not my job. It is not up to me to fix them, if they need help they can get it. I only have to take care of myself.
I was ready for them to go by dinner time. I could feel my boundaries getting a little stepped on and weakening with hunger. My empath sensitivities were tired of dealing with the projections and were weakening with contact. I just didn't want to do it any more, and that was okay!
God, it was good to see them go. All I could think as I saw them off for the final time that night was relief that 1) I don't have to be around them all that much and 2) I'm an adult. I'm an adult! I have a job! I no longer have to rely upon them to live!
What a gift to be able to be moving to interdependence (as opposed to dependence/independence) and to be able to create my own reality of health. This is the gift of recovery, of self- awareness, of the first three steps.
Did I mention that I felt like myself the whole time? I did not slip into the mask even once. Miracles happen.
My boundaries remained intact. I am a little sad to think that my parents require the same boundaries as the people at work. I have accepted it, but it still hurts a little.
But you know what? It doesn't hurt as much as it did when I tried to fit them into my expectations of how parents should be. That hurt so much more. So. much. more.
I've completed my 8th step, and you know what I finally was able to put on it about my parents for amends? That I never accepted them as they truly are. I kept trying to fit them into who I wanted them to be.
I feel like I made amends by beginning to create a new relationship with them based on acceptance, and healthy boundaries. 9th step, whoa.
I feel like I am beginning amends to myself for all the times I felt like I had to force myself to be around people or do things that terrified me. This is an ongoing 9th step.
I lived a long time repressing every emotion. Thank God my childhood emotional outlet was positive, and helped me escape the trauma instead of re-traumatize myself. I can't believe I was able to live so long in denial. Wow, it was so exhausting.
I am the heroine in my own story.
What they do or say - it's not about me.
God grant me the serenity to always be myself, and to accept my parents as they are, and not as I think they should be.
God grant me the serenity to accept myself as I am, and to not push myself to do things when I am terrified or frightened, but to give myself time and space for healing.
God, grant me the serenity to accept that the time of forcing myself is over. That I can now live in the ease and flow of the Spirit of Peace.
God, grant me the serenity, to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me - ACA serenity prayer
Thursday, September 20, 2018
The Narcissistic Void and God
I was just reading my twitter feed when I saw a tweet that talked about the Narcissistic void.
In Catholicism the new take on the 'sin' of Adam and Eve is not that they became dirty, evil and deprave. It was that something that was there before, was lost, and that was the real, intimate and internal contact with God within. Or, as it is called 'original grace.' The dirt came gradually after that as a natural impact from something beautiful missing.
That sounds kind of like the narcissistic void.
I feel extraordinarily lucky to have been able to find my Higher Power by not losing Him, so to speak. He has been there for me all my life. Bad things happened to me, but I was given the gift of retaining the faith in my Higher Power.
Was that faith accurate at all times? Hell no. Probably still isn't. But I was able to talk to Him as a friend, a confidant. For a long time He was all I had.
When I entered 12 step, I was able to take a good look at what attributes my Higher Power held, and I was able to see that I had put on Him some of the negative qualities of my parents. I was saddened by this, but really, it is quite normal. Instead of dwelling with the sad, I moved on to grateful for the awareness.
The sad comes and goes, but that is my normal, and a different topic.
Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you - St. Augustine.
I think that space within me always hoped to find a God of my understanding, kind of hoping he wasn't like my parents. And He wasn't.
By having that relationship with my Higher Power, my heart is stilled and that 'hole' feels less empty. Slowly I'm able to let him in to the broken places, by feeling all the feelings I am sent. By accepting myself as I am in each moment, I find God.
After all, its not about the narcissist. It's about me and my recovery.
Acceptance is the key to all my problems.
In Catholicism the new take on the 'sin' of Adam and Eve is not that they became dirty, evil and deprave. It was that something that was there before, was lost, and that was the real, intimate and internal contact with God within. Or, as it is called 'original grace.' The dirt came gradually after that as a natural impact from something beautiful missing.
That sounds kind of like the narcissistic void.
I feel extraordinarily lucky to have been able to find my Higher Power by not losing Him, so to speak. He has been there for me all my life. Bad things happened to me, but I was given the gift of retaining the faith in my Higher Power.
Was that faith accurate at all times? Hell no. Probably still isn't. But I was able to talk to Him as a friend, a confidant. For a long time He was all I had.
When I entered 12 step, I was able to take a good look at what attributes my Higher Power held, and I was able to see that I had put on Him some of the negative qualities of my parents. I was saddened by this, but really, it is quite normal. Instead of dwelling with the sad, I moved on to grateful for the awareness.
The sad comes and goes, but that is my normal, and a different topic.
Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you - St. Augustine.
I think that space within me always hoped to find a God of my understanding, kind of hoping he wasn't like my parents. And He wasn't.
By having that relationship with my Higher Power, my heart is stilled and that 'hole' feels less empty. Slowly I'm able to let him in to the broken places, by feeling all the feelings I am sent. By accepting myself as I am in each moment, I find God.
After all, its not about the narcissist. It's about me and my recovery.
Acceptance is the key to all my problems.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Live and let live
I am grateful today for a flexible work schedule.
I'm exhausted because I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned.
One of my kids had an appointment, and on impulse I asked to make an appointment.
I haven't gone in a year, and I have two cavities that need to be taken care of. Their next opening was at one this afternoon. Hooray?
Now, you wouldn't be able to tell by how I interact with them when I feel comfortable, but I am terrified of the dentist due to how one treated me in my past. Now I only go to female dentists or non-white male dentists. I know myself, and now I just work with what I have and go with it instead of trying to power through my feelings.
Just about everyone has a problem of some sort with the dentist. It's normal. I mean, really, who wants to go to the dentist?
For the first time, after that teeth cleaning, I actually wanted to go back and get my fillings. And it was because I had listened to myself and what I needed. I will ask for nitrous at the tooth filling appointment. I've heard it works great.
Just for today I will 'live and let live' by listening to myself and what I need instead of forcing solutions on myself. I will live, and I will let myself live.
I'm exhausted because I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned.
One of my kids had an appointment, and on impulse I asked to make an appointment.
I haven't gone in a year, and I have two cavities that need to be taken care of. Their next opening was at one this afternoon. Hooray?
Now, you wouldn't be able to tell by how I interact with them when I feel comfortable, but I am terrified of the dentist due to how one treated me in my past. Now I only go to female dentists or non-white male dentists. I know myself, and now I just work with what I have and go with it instead of trying to power through my feelings.
Just about everyone has a problem of some sort with the dentist. It's normal. I mean, really, who wants to go to the dentist?
For the first time, after that teeth cleaning, I actually wanted to go back and get my fillings. And it was because I had listened to myself and what I needed. I will ask for nitrous at the tooth filling appointment. I've heard it works great.
Just for today I will 'live and let live' by listening to myself and what I need instead of forcing solutions on myself. I will live, and I will let myself live.
Monday, September 17, 2018
Fly away to detachment
It never fails that when my spouse travels, there is drama.
Since being in recovery, I now expect drama, of some sort, to come up.
The two days before the travel everything went very well. He drove off, everything was fine, he got to the airport, and all hell broke loose.
The dog had gnawed on his passport about a year and a half ago, and he has traveled with it several times, domestically and internationally.
This time, the clerk wouldn't let him through.
His phone butt dialed me multiple times, each time I picked it up, or rang him back before I got wise to the fact the phone was calling, not him, I heard key snips of the conversation.
He sent me a text message, then as I was driving to a meeting, I got the phone call. The fix me, heal me, make everything better call. He was hysterical, in a manly way, which means he was dictatorial.
I told him I was driving, but as soon as I got to the meeting I would try to find someone to take over (maybe), and then help him.
I made it there and gave him a call. He wanted me to check his email, email his travel person etc. etc. I looked up the person's phone number and sent it to him.
He rushed to the local passport office to try and get a new passport. He got a temporary passport, called his travel agent, who told him it would be a $2000 fee to change the flight, then headed back to the airport.
At the counter, the man checking him in told him that everything happens for a reason.
His original plane still hadn't taken off.
Through all of this I stayed calm. My default was calm. It passed through my head to blame him for not getting a non-chewed passport, but why?
I didn't feed into his anxiety at all. It was amazing.
I felt like oil on water, completely unruffled.
Today I will celebrate the recovery victory, and I will congratulate myself for being able to stay calm.
Today I will be grateful to my Higher Power for recovery, and for being able to carry out His will by keeping the focus on me during a stressful situation.
Today I will be glad I let myself be loved by detaching from someone else's emotions.
Since being in recovery, I now expect drama, of some sort, to come up.
The two days before the travel everything went very well. He drove off, everything was fine, he got to the airport, and all hell broke loose.
The dog had gnawed on his passport about a year and a half ago, and he has traveled with it several times, domestically and internationally.
This time, the clerk wouldn't let him through.
His phone butt dialed me multiple times, each time I picked it up, or rang him back before I got wise to the fact the phone was calling, not him, I heard key snips of the conversation.
He sent me a text message, then as I was driving to a meeting, I got the phone call. The fix me, heal me, make everything better call. He was hysterical, in a manly way, which means he was dictatorial.
I told him I was driving, but as soon as I got to the meeting I would try to find someone to take over (maybe), and then help him.
I made it there and gave him a call. He wanted me to check his email, email his travel person etc. etc. I looked up the person's phone number and sent it to him.
He rushed to the local passport office to try and get a new passport. He got a temporary passport, called his travel agent, who told him it would be a $2000 fee to change the flight, then headed back to the airport.
At the counter, the man checking him in told him that everything happens for a reason.
His original plane still hadn't taken off.
Through all of this I stayed calm. My default was calm. It passed through my head to blame him for not getting a non-chewed passport, but why?
I didn't feed into his anxiety at all. It was amazing.
I felt like oil on water, completely unruffled.
Today I will celebrate the recovery victory, and I will congratulate myself for being able to stay calm.
Today I will be grateful to my Higher Power for recovery, and for being able to carry out His will by keeping the focus on me during a stressful situation.
Today I will be glad I let myself be loved by detaching from someone else's emotions.
Saturday, September 15, 2018
Detaching with Love
I went to a meeting today. My insight was that I've learned to detach from other people's emotional reactions, and to stay inside myself. I was worried about going, but I knew I needed to go, so I went anyway.
When I am thrown back to the past, which often happens in and after meetings, it is difficult to stay inside, and some reactions are still similar to the past - but I know they are happening, and they are not as extreme. This is part of the gift of awareness.
I also know how to get myself back inside myself instead of continuing to run around wounded, wondering why I'm reacting. Self-care is huge.
I can identify my emotions. I don't always like my emotions, but I'm becoming more accepting of them. When I can accept the emotion, and fully feel it, without trying to escape it, push it away or deny it, the emotion passes and I am able to say goodbye.
Goodbye to that lost dream. Or just the dream of a dream. Acceptance is the key.
When I accept what is, then it is like I wake up, and am able to see what I have. I am able to enjoy what I have. I am able to be grateful.
By feeling my feelings my headspace is freed to to focus on my stuff, the good stuff. And there is a lot of good stuff!
Going to meetings is good because it helps stir up things that would otherwise remained unresolved. It also helps me practice what I've learned.
I read the book "The New Codependency" by Melody Beattie, and I have to say I really enjoyed the chapter about how some people need meetings their entire lives, some just need them during crisis, and some go for a time and then leave.
I have to be responsible for my own well being, not handing it over to meetings or anyone else. I can take into consideration what therapists say, what other people say, and what people important to me say, but at the end of the day I am responsible for me.
Do I love me? It is difficult when the healthy ego is destroyed to develop self love but I'm doing it.
I'm letting myself be loved. By myself. By my Higher Power and by others.
When I don't have loving feelings, when I'm all tossed up inside, or have gone outside myself, I can still behave in a loving way to myself or others. I can practice the principles before personalities on me.
Today I will let myself be loved, just as I am, without judgment, without rancour and with respect, tenderness and kindness. I trust that with time I will be able to love as I am loved, and see others as I begin to see myself, with clarity, honesty and compassion.
The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love. First, friendship with myself and my higher power by accepting my higher power's friendship, second, love for myself and my higher power by accepting my higher power's love for me.
Just for today I will let myself be loved.
When I am thrown back to the past, which often happens in and after meetings, it is difficult to stay inside, and some reactions are still similar to the past - but I know they are happening, and they are not as extreme. This is part of the gift of awareness.
I also know how to get myself back inside myself instead of continuing to run around wounded, wondering why I'm reacting. Self-care is huge.
I can identify my emotions. I don't always like my emotions, but I'm becoming more accepting of them. When I can accept the emotion, and fully feel it, without trying to escape it, push it away or deny it, the emotion passes and I am able to say goodbye.
Goodbye to that lost dream. Or just the dream of a dream. Acceptance is the key.
When I accept what is, then it is like I wake up, and am able to see what I have. I am able to enjoy what I have. I am able to be grateful.
By feeling my feelings my headspace is freed to to focus on my stuff, the good stuff. And there is a lot of good stuff!
Going to meetings is good because it helps stir up things that would otherwise remained unresolved. It also helps me practice what I've learned.
I read the book "The New Codependency" by Melody Beattie, and I have to say I really enjoyed the chapter about how some people need meetings their entire lives, some just need them during crisis, and some go for a time and then leave.
I have to be responsible for my own well being, not handing it over to meetings or anyone else. I can take into consideration what therapists say, what other people say, and what people important to me say, but at the end of the day I am responsible for me.
Do I love me? It is difficult when the healthy ego is destroyed to develop self love but I'm doing it.
I'm letting myself be loved. By myself. By my Higher Power and by others.
When I don't have loving feelings, when I'm all tossed up inside, or have gone outside myself, I can still behave in a loving way to myself or others. I can practice the principles before personalities on me.
Today I will let myself be loved, just as I am, without judgment, without rancour and with respect, tenderness and kindness. I trust that with time I will be able to love as I am loved, and see others as I begin to see myself, with clarity, honesty and compassion.
The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love. First, friendship with myself and my higher power by accepting my higher power's friendship, second, love for myself and my higher power by accepting my higher power's love for me.
Just for today I will let myself be loved.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)