Monthly Meeting

This month's meeting offered me some new insight.

I realized why I was having such a hard time within the larger group social and business meeting.

I was trained to meet other people's emotional needs and ignore my own from a very young age. I also had to learn to monitor other people's emotions in order to survive.

I already worked through the emotions of how the building itself (design, layout, smell) reminds me of places from my youth.

However I didn't understand until to day that with being in large group the constant barrage of other people's emotions is overwhelming to me.

I've only recently begun to be able to "stay inside myself" during one on one interaction and let other people take care of their own emotional needs. I've only recently been able to identify people pleasing behavior (words) as it is happening as well.

Having that many people around me means I will need to go apart and sink myself inside before interacting in a significant way. The large group business meeting immediately follows the social, so that is 2 hours. I can handle one, but two gets trying. During the social, I can leave as needed.

Today I took time after mass to say my usual post-mass prayers in the quiet chapel instead of running off immediately to my duties as treasurer gathering up people's money.

This action made a world of difference. I was able to listen to myself, and really monitor what I was feeling and whether or not I actually needed to comment. Many times my desire to comment was simply a desire to control or fix. I remained still and continued to listen, externally and internally

I am still having difficulty in the social, but hopefully that will come with time and practice. Mostly I feel awkward and not sure what to ask or say. This usually only happens around people I actually care about. With others I can just fake it since I don't care anyway.

Now that I'm used to not wearing the mask, when I start to put it on, I feel uncomfortable.

I think I'll stick with awkward and unsure of myself, but still trying.

Just for today I will take my time with what I say. I will stop to see what I think, listen to myself and remember that easy does it.

Just for today I will celebrate how far I've come, trusting that with the help of my Higher Power, I will be able to continue in growth.

Just for today I realize that I am here for a purpose - to be myself fully and completely. With the help of my Higher Power, I can live authentically.

Step 1 - Admitted I am powerless over blog content

Step 1 - Admitted I am powerless over blog content, that my blogging had become unmanageable.

After typing Step 1, I realized that, actually, I do know what this blog will be about.

Granted, I don't know what form or story it will take each day, but I do know this is about my journey through the 12 steps and how this interacts within my life as a child of God in the 3rd order or lay Carmelite vocation of the Catholic church.

Step 1 is very powerful. The second I say, "I don't know," I admit to the possibility that someone else does, or that the answer exists outside myself. I don't have to know, right now. 

When I am okay with not knowing, then I am ready to know.

My blogging is unmanageable, because of control. I I I need to control control control everything.

I don't know which direction this blog will take, other than the above mentioned. I don't know if anyone will read it. I have no control over the fact that my mind starts to obsess about all the things I need to know if I am going to start blogging again. I have to plan for all the bad things that could happen. I have to plan for all the good things that could happen. What if. What if. What if.

No. I do not have to know. I only have to trust that, right now, I need to make this blog. IF someday I need to move it, I can. IF someday, I need to delete it, I can.

When I am okay with not knowing, then I no longer have to control. I can rest in the fact that I only have to do, right now, what I need to do next. That is all that is expected, to do the next right thing.

The unmanageable shrinks down into its right size until I am able to see only the next thing, because I never really saw the big picture anyway. The mirror of my mind had distorted everything, like one of those curved mirrors at the funhouse.

When I am okay with not knowing, then I am ready to know.

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our life had become unmanageable.

I pray that we will find the serenity we seek, and that we will see that what we seek has always been inside us, waiting for us to return to ourselves to find rest.

We are loved with an everlasting love, and surrounding us are the everlasting arms.

No-people, No-place, No-thing, can separate us from the love of God.

Let yourself be loved.