The loss of Sacred Text and the finding of spirituality

One of the saddest things that happened to me as a result of abuse was losing the ability to find comfort in the sacred text of my faith.

This was a direct result of the 'accusing voices' or 'critical parent' script, that told me what to believe about what I was reading once I physically got away from the abusive family and church I was a part of.

I was always able to find joy in the Psalms, however.

I have only just recently been able to return to other portions of the Word. The Gospel of John has always been a deep comfort, along with his other books. They are so mystical, so only-easily grasped by the heart and spirit, that I don't know if I ever heard a sermon on them. 

The Song of Songs was another - oh, to be loved that way, and to love! I have returned to this book over and over through the years, re-reading it over and over before key moments in my spiritual journey.

Before I became Catholic, it was all I read. Before I entered Mt. Carmel and before my first and second promise. I imagine if I am called to continue in Carmel the rest of my life, I shall return again to this masterwork of the Spirit.

With the freedom of the Spirit, I have been able to read and appreciate other spiritual traditions without fear of being hexed by the bogeyman.

I'm currently reading The Four Agreements, and I've found that its common sense take on life not only echoes but reinforces my own tradition, and give me muscular practice in spiritual change.

I find the sayings / teachings of Rumi inspiring as well.

Right now for formation I'm reading the Spiritual Canticle of St. John of the Cross. I feel like I am looking into his soul. It is his personal Song of Songs. Sometimes I almost feel carried away, out of myself. I can't read it through without entering a spiritual state.

Poetry has always spoken to me, has been there for me, and has given me a voice to express the inexpressible in my own life.

My day has been tiring. My sleep was broken multiple times, by outside forces, but I was able to surrender my sleep to my Higher Power, even surrender the inability to return to sleep, and took it as an opportunity for communion.

I'm getting better at moment by moment communion.

I subscribe to the emails of Richard Rohr, and his meditation today (by someone else) about the God particle was profoundly moving.

St. John preaches the "NADA" or the way of nothing. My ego, my will, my control, my addiction as they slowly drop off me or reveal to me my weakness, expose my nakedness, my personal expression of image and likeness, to the divine impulse.

I slowly become, I slowly return to the garden of delight, of intimate universal communion.

But I run from God, he frightens me, a creature, by his realness, and so he comes to me in the darkness, hidden living inside a body, my body and I give love to him by loving the self and together we walk hand in hand, moment by moment.

The way of nothing is the way to everything. Because without God everything is nothing, but with him, nothing is everything.

Just for today I will try to improve my conscious contact with God.

Just for today I will seek love with love.

Just For Today

Getting up in the morning can be hard, but I have a few tricks now that make it easier on me.

I wake up to a beautiful harp song in the morning, and I stay in bed until it is over.

I get up after its finished, do what I have to do, then head back to bed where I feel warm & cozy and have meditation time.

During the day I try to stay present. Here are some things I do when I get stressed out and begin to "go off" into my freeze response (pretty much my default), anxiety or any other emotion.

1. Put my hand over my heart.
2. Lightly stomp my feet on the floor.
3. Focus on a distant object, like a tree.
4. 60 second meditation, eyes shut, count backward from 60.
5. Take a quick walk - around the office, to get coffee, bathroom break or around the block.
6. Look up at the sky and just breathe.
7. Repeat something beautiful - poetry, music, sacred scriptures, or affirmations.
8. Read something.
9. Check in with Facebook - only works if you're following positive people!
10. Say out loud what I see (this is new!)
11. Follow the five senses. (this is new!)
12. Say the "right now" Serenity prayer.
13. Do the next tiny thing - one click on the computer, one paper, one word, one hand movement.
14. Stand up (I have a stand up desk).
15. Stare at the background picture on my computer screen (something beautiful).
16. Listen to my heart beat.
17. Hold my own hand.
18. Touch or hold a stuffed animal.
19. Water plants.
20. Put on hand lotion.
21. Make some tea & drink it.
22. Listen to music.
23. Listen to nature sounds.
24. Put on the headphones.
25. Stretch.
26. Do a few simple and gentle exercises.
27. Just FEEL whatever emotion is present for five seconds. Repeat if necessary. Do it for longer if necessary, always counting backwards.

For bedtime I have a gentle routine as well. Since having to deal with my trauma, fear of the dark came back to me.

Now I take it very easy. I leave two lights on, shower, read, and make sure I eat something before bed. I dress for bed in something I like, that is comfortable, colorful and feels good.

I leave one light on and do some reading, journaling or praying.

I have remote controlled candles, and I lay there with the candles and my stuffed bear until I either go to sleep (timer on the candles) or I'm ready to turn them off.

It feels strange being gentle with myself, when for so long I have been abrupt and impatient.

But that abruptness and impatience is a result of internalizing the family dysfunction.

To prevent you being hard on me, I will be so hard on myself I will be perfect, and I will never have to feel the pain of abandonment and rejection.

To fix you, I will be perfect. To fix me, you will treat me harshly. Because it's my fault you aren't perfect, and it's my fault I'm not perfect. Little children are given such harsh burdens, and in innocence they are carried.

Perfectionism is so painful. It feels wrong to be human, to make mistakes, to realize I am still and will continue to still learn how to be human. But being human is what I was made to do, it is God's will for me. It is okay to be human. I like it.

Just for today I will accept myself as human. I will accept it is okay to feel the feelings life evokes, to make mistakes and to keep getting up when I fall.

The only thing more terrifying than falling, is continuing to wallow in the mud and say "I can't get up, it's too hard! It's you're fault!" That's how this started in the first place.

It's hard getting up from the victim role, but it is so worth it.

Just for today, I will live through this day only, and not try to tackle all my problems at once.

Just for today, I will ask first, instead of trying to figure out what I need to do.

Just for today, I will be happy, joyous and free, dancing with my Higher Power.

Just for today, I will carry the light yoke and easy burden.

Just for today, I will let myself be loved.