It's not about me

My parents visited to be at my child's school event.

The build up to the visit had an under current of anxiety for one week ahead, beginning with an awareness of impending anxiety 2 weeks in advance, which was an improvement from the stark terror it had been for the previous visits since therapy.

The stark terror was an improvement from the denial/disocciative state in which I worked myself up for a month in advance and fell into a depressive state afterwards for several weeks, depending on length of stay etc. etc.

Since being able to name the disease and the cause of the emotions, and after work through so many of the emotions, repressed into the mists of mind-time, the visit as it was happening did not have the same effect as it has in the past.

I am in awe at the power of healing old wounds. It is truly phenomenal.

My catch phrase for the day was "where's your feet?" Several times before their arrival I caught myself floating off, but gently brought myself back to the present with some affirmations.

I am an adult. I am no longer a child. I am in control. I will do what is best for me. I am in my own house. I can leave at any time if I am uncomfortable. My Higher Power is with me and will guide me. My Higher Power has always been with me and will always be with me. It's not about me. It's them.

I even rode with them in their car to lunch and around town. I have not have been able to do that before. I was a little surprised myself, but each time I put my hand over my heart and asked myself, how are you doing? What do you want to do? Each time the answer I received was "I'm okay with doing this."

As we sat there eating lunch, some things were said and topics elaborated on that would have in the past made me feel like I had to fix something. I reminded myself that it was not about me. I was able to listen without judgment, and feel my own feelings, but let them pass.

Their method of communication is let's ignore who is right in front of us and talk about who is not here. Or, let's make this a conversation all about us. It hurts. That's their problem and it is an awesomely terrible problem. I have to be very careful to not be their therapist. That's not my job. It is not up to me to fix them, if they need help they can get it. I only have to take care of myself.

It still hurts to feel my child feel rejected, to feel like they don't care BUT it's not about me. And I don't have to fix anything for my child either.  My children are intelligent, and can see what is going on, and draw their own conclusions. I don't have to foist my interpretation of what is going on onto them. God, it is so freeing! We can talk about it if necessary.

I was ready for them to go by dinner time. I could feel my boundaries getting a little stepped on and weakening with hunger. My empath sensitivities were tired of dealing with the projections and were weakening with contact. I just didn't want to do it any more, and that was okay!

God, it was good to see them go. All I could think as I saw them off for the final time that night was relief that 1) I don't have to be around them all that much and 2) I'm an adult. I'm an adult! I have a job! I no longer have to rely upon them to live!

What a gift to be able to be moving to interdependence (as opposed to dependence/independence) and to be able to create my own reality of health. This is the gift of recovery, of self- awareness, of the first three steps.

Did I mention that I felt like myself the whole time? I did not slip into the mask even once. Miracles happen.

My boundaries remained intact. I am a little sad to think that my parents require the same boundaries as the people at work. I have accepted it, but it still hurts a little.

But you know what? It doesn't hurt as much as it did when I tried to fit them into my expectations of how parents should be. That hurt so much more. So. much. more.

I've completed my 8th step, and you know what I finally was able to put on it about my parents for amends? That I never accepted them as they truly are. I kept trying to fit them into who I wanted them to be.

I feel like I made amends by beginning to create a new relationship with them based on acceptance, and healthy boundaries. 9th step, whoa.

I feel like I am beginning amends to myself for all the times I felt like I had to force myself to be around people or do things that terrified me. This is an ongoing 9th step.

I lived a long time repressing every emotion. Thank God my childhood emotional outlet was positive, and helped me escape the trauma instead of re-traumatize myself. I can't believe I was able to live so long in denial. Wow, it was so exhausting.

I am the heroine in my own story.

What they do or say - it's not about me.

God grant me the serenity to always be myself, and to accept my parents as they are, and not as I think they should be.

God grant me the serenity to accept myself as I am, and to not push myself to do things when I am terrified or frightened, but to give myself time and space for healing.

God, grant me the serenity to accept that the time of forcing myself is over. That I can now live in the ease and flow of the Spirit of Peace.

God, grant me the serenity, to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me - ACA serenity prayer

Monthly Meeting

This month's meeting offered me some new insight.

I realized why I was having such a hard time within the larger group social and business meeting.

I was trained to meet other people's emotional needs and ignore my own from a very young age. I also had to learn to monitor other people's emotions in order to survive.

I already worked through the emotions of how the building itself (design, layout, smell) reminds me of places from my youth.

However I didn't understand until to day that with being in large group the constant barrage of other people's emotions is overwhelming to me.

I've only recently begun to be able to "stay inside myself" during one on one interaction and let other people take care of their own emotional needs. I've only recently been able to identify people pleasing behavior (words) as it is happening as well.

Having that many people around me means I will need to go apart and sink myself inside before interacting in a significant way. The large group business meeting immediately follows the social, so that is 2 hours. I can handle one, but two gets trying. During the social, I can leave as needed.

Today I took time after mass to say my usual post-mass prayers in the quiet chapel instead of running off immediately to my duties as treasurer gathering up people's money.

This action made a world of difference. I was able to listen to myself, and really monitor what I was feeling and whether or not I actually needed to comment. Many times my desire to comment was simply a desire to control or fix. I remained still and continued to listen, externally and internally

I am still having difficulty in the social, but hopefully that will come with time and practice. Mostly I feel awkward and not sure what to ask or say. This usually only happens around people I actually care about. With others I can just fake it since I don't care anyway.

Now that I'm used to not wearing the mask, when I start to put it on, I feel uncomfortable.

I think I'll stick with awkward and unsure of myself, but still trying.

Just for today I will take my time with what I say. I will stop to see what I think, listen to myself and remember that easy does it.

Just for today I will celebrate how far I've come, trusting that with the help of my Higher Power, I will be able to continue in growth.

Just for today I realize that I am here for a purpose - to be myself fully and completely. With the help of my Higher Power, I can live authentically.