Expect a miracle - Conscious contact

I'll be staying in step 9 for a while longer.

I did some reading on forgiveness, what it is and what it isn't in my Al Anon books after I meditated for 40 minutes this morning.

I don't think I've had a spiritual awakening yet in regard to my parents. Maybe because I'm in the middle of remembering everything that happened to me, and coming to terms with it, instead of being in denial. Apparently I need to be here for a while.

I keep bouncing people on and off the list.

I do have four people that are on it, and are a "yes" right now, and I'm living amends with them.

The first person on the list is me.

Part of my living amends is not contacting people or saying thing to them that I don't mean. That means I am not in contact with my biological parents right now.

At the meetings today, I was thinking deeply on what is behind how they treated me.

I came to a somewhat final answer in ACA. My Higher Power invited me to imagine that they weren't abusing me, they were abusing my Higher Power. Then, since I was able to see that they were really abusing my Higher Power and not me, my Higher Power invited me to go deeper, and see that they were also abusing themselves.

I don't know what this means, but I feel better.

I also have seen from this past week, that what they say to me and what they do to me is not about me. It is about them - they are telling me something very important about how they see themselves, by how they treat me. By wounding me, they are showing me their wounds.

Maybe I can eventually find some compassion for them. I feel somewhat softer - but I still don't want to talk or deal with them. Just the softness is okay for now.

I am softer with myself, and able to acknowledge that what I want and say and do matters. It is not silly that I find joy in Pusheen the cat.

It is okay to have a comfortable fashion style that is understated, but with some sparkle. I don't have to stand out in a crowd. I can wear my Christmas shirt any day I want to, and it is okay. I can enjoy life.

After the meetings, I went back to my favorite thrift store. I felt like there was something there for me, and for my husband and sons. So I went shopping with my Higher Power. I found the most amazing things, and I didn't realize at the time what they meant, because I didn't remember (lack of sleep could have something to do with it.

1) I found a necklace with an angel on it that is exactly like the angel pin I remember my Grandma having. My aunt had picked it after my Grandma died, and I forgot she had it. I had a huge fight with my Mom about her giving it away to someone else. It turned out the angel pin my Mom picked was not the one I wanted. I felt like my Higher Power was telling me that everything would be all right with my Mom and I eventually. My grandma is still looking out for me, just like she did when I was a child.

2) I found a silvery gold tree made out of grapevine. Just last week I went to a super high end christmas store, and saw a beautiful silvery gold tree. It was almost two hundred dollars. I thought  it was so beautiful. This one cost me about $4.

3) At the same store they had so many beautiful crystal ornaments. I found one at the thrift store with a mother and child for less than a dollar.

4) At the same store they had candles with flickering flame that were also incredibly expensive. I found three for less than two dollars.

Those were just the things for me that were really miraculous. I followed my Higher Power's will, throughout the store, going right where I was directed, and found everything I was supposed to find.

My Mom and Dad are they origin, the vessels through which I came, but my true parent is my Higher power. He is Father, mother, sister, brother and community to me. When I walk with my Higher Power everything falls gently into place.

I don't know why my parents chose to behave the way they did to me. I am not a Higher Power, and I don't have all the information. Maybe they didn't know what they were doing.

I don't have to judge them to protect myself. I don't have to harbor negative feelings to protect myself. I don't have to control them to protect myself.

It is my Higher Power's job to keep me safe, loved and cared for, and my Higher Power was there for me. My Higher Power placed other people in my life to fill in the gaps.

Every time they hurt me, they were hurting my Higher Power. Every time I hurt others, I hurt my Higher Power. My Higher Power lives in and works through people, myself included.

I didn't expect a miracle, but one found me anyway. Several found me, based on that shopping trip!

Just for today, I will acknowledge the miracles in my life.

Just for today, I will expect a miracle, and search for it.

Just for today, I will let myself be loved.

It's not about me

My parents visited to be at my child's school event.

The build up to the visit had an under current of anxiety for one week ahead, beginning with an awareness of impending anxiety 2 weeks in advance, which was an improvement from the stark terror it had been for the previous visits since therapy.

The stark terror was an improvement from the denial/disocciative state in which I worked myself up for a month in advance and fell into a depressive state afterwards for several weeks, depending on length of stay etc. etc.

Since being able to name the disease and the cause of the emotions, and after work through so many of the emotions, repressed into the mists of mind-time, the visit as it was happening did not have the same effect as it has in the past.

I am in awe at the power of healing old wounds. It is truly phenomenal.

My catch phrase for the day was "where's your feet?" Several times before their arrival I caught myself floating off, but gently brought myself back to the present with some affirmations.

I am an adult. I am no longer a child. I am in control. I will do what is best for me. I am in my own house. I can leave at any time if I am uncomfortable. My Higher Power is with me and will guide me. My Higher Power has always been with me and will always be with me. It's not about me. It's them.

I even rode with them in their car to lunch and around town. I have not have been able to do that before. I was a little surprised myself, but each time I put my hand over my heart and asked myself, how are you doing? What do you want to do? Each time the answer I received was "I'm okay with doing this."

As we sat there eating lunch, some things were said and topics elaborated on that would have in the past made me feel like I had to fix something. I reminded myself that it was not about me. I was able to listen without judgment, and feel my own feelings, but let them pass.

Their method of communication is let's ignore who is right in front of us and talk about who is not here. Or, let's make this a conversation all about us. It hurts. That's their problem and it is an awesomely terrible problem. I have to be very careful to not be their therapist. That's not my job. It is not up to me to fix them, if they need help they can get it. I only have to take care of myself.

It still hurts to feel my child feel rejected, to feel like they don't care BUT it's not about me. And I don't have to fix anything for my child either.  My children are intelligent, and can see what is going on, and draw their own conclusions. I don't have to foist my interpretation of what is going on onto them. God, it is so freeing! We can talk about it if necessary.

I was ready for them to go by dinner time. I could feel my boundaries getting a little stepped on and weakening with hunger. My empath sensitivities were tired of dealing with the projections and were weakening with contact. I just didn't want to do it any more, and that was okay!

God, it was good to see them go. All I could think as I saw them off for the final time that night was relief that 1) I don't have to be around them all that much and 2) I'm an adult. I'm an adult! I have a job! I no longer have to rely upon them to live!

What a gift to be able to be moving to interdependence (as opposed to dependence/independence) and to be able to create my own reality of health. This is the gift of recovery, of self- awareness, of the first three steps.

Did I mention that I felt like myself the whole time? I did not slip into the mask even once. Miracles happen.

My boundaries remained intact. I am a little sad to think that my parents require the same boundaries as the people at work. I have accepted it, but it still hurts a little.

But you know what? It doesn't hurt as much as it did when I tried to fit them into my expectations of how parents should be. That hurt so much more. So. much. more.

I've completed my 8th step, and you know what I finally was able to put on it about my parents for amends? That I never accepted them as they truly are. I kept trying to fit them into who I wanted them to be.

I feel like I made amends by beginning to create a new relationship with them based on acceptance, and healthy boundaries. 9th step, whoa.

I feel like I am beginning amends to myself for all the times I felt like I had to force myself to be around people or do things that terrified me. This is an ongoing 9th step.

I lived a long time repressing every emotion. Thank God my childhood emotional outlet was positive, and helped me escape the trauma instead of re-traumatize myself. I can't believe I was able to live so long in denial. Wow, it was so exhausting.

I am the heroine in my own story.

What they do or say - it's not about me.

God grant me the serenity to always be myself, and to accept my parents as they are, and not as I think they should be.

God grant me the serenity to accept myself as I am, and to not push myself to do things when I am terrified or frightened, but to give myself time and space for healing.

God, grant me the serenity to accept that the time of forcing myself is over. That I can now live in the ease and flow of the Spirit of Peace.

God, grant me the serenity, to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me - ACA serenity prayer